The Sunday Mail
DEAR Amai,
I hope I find you well. I am a 32-year-old married lady. I have sisters but I am the eldest. We are all married. Our parents are still alive, however, our mother is a very demanding woman.
We actually do not know how to please her. My siblings and I have set aside an account that we make regular deposits to, in order to assist our parents.
We do our best but it seems our mum is in competition with friends and relatives. She always wants things similar to what others have. At times, we are compelled to buy things for our father to match mum’s demands. Our father has told us not to waste a lot of money on unnecessary items. The problem is when you do not comply she takes offence. We try our best but we also have families of our own.
Furthermore, our husbands’ families have to be taken care of every now and then too. Recently, she went to a wedding function where one of her friends had a very modern smartphone which costs nearly US$1 000 and now she wants one as well.
We told her we do not have such money and she is now not talking to the three of us. She already has a good smartphone. She often complains about the high fees she paid for us to be educated. Please help. What can we do? Our mother is a pain in the neck.
Response
Hello and thanks for writing in. You are in a world of trouble because you give into your mother’s every whim. It is a great initiative that you help your parents as much as you can. As baba rightly said, do not waste money on unnecessary items.
You must speak to him so he can be as vocal when it comes to trying to make your mother understand that you simply do not have money to splash on smartphones and the likes.
The fees complaints are nothing more than shameless attempts to guilt-trip you. Continue to focus on what you can assist with and surely, your mother will eventually realise that a firm stance has been taken against her unnecessary expenditure. You can also rope in her close friends and relatives to assist with mediation. I wish you all the best.
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I feel like running away
I am a 21-year-old woman. I did not do well in school, so I spend my days at home assisting with chores. I stay at our rural home with my parents and I am happy to be where I am.
Some of my relatives look my way when they need a helper around their homes. I am often used as a stopgap.
My parents always volunteer on my behalf. In most cases, I am not paid or appreciated because of the relationship between our families.
They just conclude that I am part of the extended family. I hate being made a sacrificial lamb. At times, I am treated like a second-class citizen only to be kicked out when they get a substantive helper.
As I write you, I am staying with my cousin who recently gave birth to a baby girl. I start very early and finish when everyone else has retired to bed. I sleep on the floor and yet there is an empty bed in the room that I sleep in. How do I tell my parents to stop this nonsense? I hate them now. I am homesick. I feel like running away.
Response
I am very saddened by how your parents volunteer on your behalf and how these so-called relatives treat you like a basic employee who works for no compensation.
Do not run away. Rather, express to the relatives you are staying with that you desire to return home.
Upon your arrival, inform your parents of the harsh treatment you have received in relatives’ homes and ask them to stop this practice of volunteering on your behalf. If they are understanding and loving this should not be an issue.
I am, however, concerned about your age and lack of ambition or aspirations. You managed to express yourself clearly in your letter, so, just how bad were your academic results?
Why not re-enroll and try to acquire some basic qualifications?
If money is an issue, I can get you in touch with organisations that assist women in similar situations.
Beyond education, do you have any other practical skills you would like to nurture?
Have you ever had career guidance? I am asking all these questions because I think you are not seeing the bigger picture. I hope these questions allow you to think carefully about your next move as well as give you a new lease on life. Please get back to me so we can plot a constructive way forward. You have a full life ahead of you. I think you can do more than spend your days doing chores.
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Husband lied about his earnings
I married my childhood sweetheart and we get on well. We are blessed with two sons, one is 10 years old and the other is eight. I recently got the shock of my life when I came across my husband’s payslip when I was taking his clothes to the laundry room.
It just fell right in front of my eyes and I was tempted to go through it. We are both gainfully employed and I thought there were no secrets between us.
The first shock was that he gets far more than what I am told. The second shocker is that he had two loans from his company that he never told me about.
I am confused. Is he living a lie?
We have not made any purchases of late so I wonder what this could be about.
I have not asked him yet but he is panicking going through his clothes every now and then. How do I handle this?
Response
Congratulations on marrying your childhood sweetheart and making it work thus far. In Shona, they say rine manyanga hariputirwi. Information tends to come out in strange ways.
You can clearly see that he is struggling with losing his payslip. Have a candid talk and ask him why he is keeping so many things from you. As a couple, you need to be on the same page. Explain to him how his behaviour has led to the rise of many questions.
What are the loans for and what else does he get up to behind your back? Afterwards, I advise that you go for counselling.
If he cannot confide in his partner about his finances then trust is lacking across the board, which I deem to be fundamental to making a marriage work.
I urge all my readers to be upfront with their partners and try to be as honest as possible. Only once his reasons for his actions have been revealed can you begin to plot a course of action.
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