The Sunday Mail
Dr Rebecca Chisamba
My father is a deadbeat
I am writing to tell you my unique and rather disheartening story. My father is a deadbeat and has not been involved for most of my life, I am 25 now. My mother raised me as a single parent and she never spoke of how she and my father separated. She would often mention his name only in anger. My mother tried her best to make ends meet until her passing in 2011.
It was not hard for me to locate my father once I really started looking for him. I read that he was playing golf in Harare and I went to the event. I was denied entry into the event but I left my information for him with the receptionist. He later called me and we met. I do not think anyone could deny that we were related, takafanana kunge mabhanzi.
He told me he had been told that I had died in 1994 and that he was eager for us to reconnect. He also said a DNA test would be necessary to prove I was truly his son and convince his wife. I was not really keen on this idea at first but we ended up taking the test in 2016 and it proved what we already knew. I thought now since he knew I was his son he would help me out financially. This was not the case. I ended up dropping out of school after my first year.
What pains me is that he has more than 14 luxury cars and he has businesses spanning throughout Zimbabwe and South Africa. My siblings go to schools in Europe and Asia.
He also frequently goes for vacations there. Recently he bought his small house a home in Borrowdale. All this while, I am suffering. He often says his wife manages the finances so he cannot help me. Must I expose him in the media? I do not know kana vakadyiswa but I am really disappointed in him.
Response
I am really sorry about your family background and the passing on of your dear mother. Your mother did a very commendable job of bringing you up and putting you through school until the day she died. Afterwards you made an effort to look for your father, who took you for DNA tests to establish your paternity. It was fortunate the results proved that he was your biological father. I hope that put your mind at rest. Now you are 25 years old, a major in your own right. I do not understand why you are behaving like a cry baby. Yes, your father may be stinking rich but that has nothing to do with you. Nobody can force him to share his resources unless he wants to. From your communication, you are wasting a lot of energy trying to track your father’s lifestyle. This does not help you in anyway. My sixth sense tells me he rushed for the DNA tests because he thought the results would be negative. It seems he never whole heartedly accepted you. I urge you to find your feet and start working. Do your own things, in Shona we say “hupenyu idungamunhu”, that’s how it should be. Learning does not end, you can continue with your education if you persevere. Your mother wanted nothing to do with this womanising and seemingly selfish man and for good reason. It is hard to go on knowing that your father shuns you. You have been dealt a hard hand by life but you need to try and play it well. Go easy on the self-pity and continue persevering. Nothing is promised in life, perhaps tables may turn and he may actually end up being the one seeking help from you down the line. I wish you all the best and keep well.
Love life playing out like a horror movie
My love life is causing me great agony. I am 24 and my ex-girlfriend is 20. When we started dating it was great and she would do anything for me, even support me financially. We were intimate from the word go. When I was in Form Six, she fell pregnant and I did not deny it.
I told her to keep the child but she ended up aborting it, saying if I ever left her she would kill herself. This was after I had found out that she was seeing other guys behind my back. She said she was doing this so that she could continue supporting me financially. I used to stay with her when her mother was away, she is a cross border trader. I forgave her and we moved on. She fell pregnant again and had another abortion.
This time I forced her to give me her phone and found out that she was still cheating on me. I ended things and did not speak to her for three months. She somehow got hold of me on my new number and started saying she loves me and that she went to fix me kwasangoma. She also said nothing will work in my life if I continue neglecting her. In truth I am failing to make ends meet and I wonder if this has anything to do with it. Please assist. I am so confused.
Response
In my view I think it is good that you are separated because you were a horrible couple. The idea of dating is not to play man and wife, it is for the two of you to know yourselves better. This girl used to support you, did the fact that she was not employed not concern you? You do not need to be a rocket scientist to know where all those goodies came from. They came from the other guys she went out with. I was shocked when you said you would reside at her mother’s place when she was on business. What a disgrace, shame on you! How on earth can you do that? My heart bled when I read your letter because it exposed the evil that is taking place among some of our young children. Impregnating your girl while in High School, ndoo chii ichocho? Backyard abortions are criminal and can be very fatal, it is nothing to boast about. This girl should have been brought to book. She is so ungrateful and unreasonable, her mother is working hard as a single parent to put food on the table for her children but she does not care. She is misusing those resources and you are benefiting from that. At your ages, makurumidza to be dealing with sangomas. I urge you to go and seek help from respectable church elders or priests. You have soiled your young lives. The two of you should never reconcile. You are a very bad combination. I would want to hear from you after the prayer sessions.
Grapevine ruining my relationship
I am a young lady turning 20. I have a boyfriend and he went overseas. We were so in love and spoke almost daily up until recently. He changed and began blue ticking me or contacting me after numerous hours, telling me that he was busy.
Recently I asked him what the problem is and he told me that he heard I am now married. I told him that it was a lie and that I was still waiting for him as we had promised each other. He just said “makuramba varume venyu” and left it at that. I really do not know what to do or if he is still serious about us.
Response
If you were a follower of this column you would know that I am not a big fan of long distance relationships. They are not easy to manage and in most cases, fiancés end up cheating on each other. It is not easy to bond when you are miles apart. Dating is meant for lovers to get to know each other better. All this is lost when you stay apart. For your information, when someone is online, it does not mean they should reply immediately. People go online for different reasons, at times for real business, so it is not only about love. I am not conclusively saying that this is what is happening in your case. Your boyfriend’s behaviour has gone a gear up as he no longer responds to your messages. I think the writing is on the wall. I do not think he still feels the same about you. Please wake up and smell the coffee. I know you love him whole heartedly as you rightfully say but it takes two to tango. Love is never one sided, it does not work like that. This guy knows pretty well that you are not married, he is just looking for a way out. If I were in your shoes, for now I would wait and see. Stop communicating with him and see what story he comes up with next. If he truly loves you he will ask why, just give it some time, the answer will come up. Do not put yourself under pressure, love is a compromise. Why do you sound so desperate? You are not even twenty yet, do not worry it shall be well. I would be happy to hear from you again.
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