The Sunday Mail
DEAR Amai, I hope I find you well. I am a 26-year-old woman and married to a guy of the same age. I was born and bred in the northern suburbs and went to good schools.
My husband is a ghetto boy and he went to mission schools. We met through a friend, however, my sixth sense told me we were two different people. My husband lacks exposure.
When I started dating him, I was under immense pressure from family and friends to get married. I got married just to silence my critics.
I am an animal lover, so when I joined my husband who stays with his parents they found it very awkward that I brought my black cat with me.
I struggle to keep my cat inside the house because the whole family does not approve of it. Rumour has it that some even think that I am a witch and that breaks my heart.
The cat is a special birthday gift from my parents. My husband is pressuring me to either abandon the cat or take it back to my parent’s house.
Amai, I know my parents will respond angrily and it is not worth it.
My husband kept nagging me about the issue and I ended up telling him that I loved the cat more than him. He is so angry and wants me to retract the statement or pack up and go. Amai, do you think this is about the cat only or there are other underlying issues? Please help.
Response
Hello and thanks for writing in. As you rightly put it, you and your husband are chalk and cheese. You seem to be worlds apart. In some cases, opposites attract because they find common ground and appreciate the different aspects and qualities they see in their significant others.
It pains me when you say things like your husband lacks exposure or that you went to superior schools. It seems like you deem yourself to be above him. In marriage, you are supposed to treat each other as equals.
There are serious issues in your relationship that go beyond this cat. As much as it is a treasured pet, you do not have a place of your own and you should have returned this animal to your parents until you move out so as not to cause a lot of tension at your current residence.
It was mean to lash out at your husband. I think you need to go for counselling. You need to find the spark that made the two of you decide to get married and you need to begin to compromise.
If the spark is gone or never existed, and if you unearth that you only got married to subside the growing pressure as you stated then you can go your separate ways.
I want to urge all my readers to make the right choices and not worry about societal pressure. I also want to encourage people to pair with compatible spouses to avoid disappointment down the stretch. I wish you well.
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I hate living in filth
I am 32 years old and married to a very untidy woman. We are parents to two kids who are also poorly looked after. I try my best to help but she does not get the message. We have a maid but she goes off every weekend and that is when most of all this drama unfolds.
I love my wife very much but I really want her to improve. It does not please me to rely on the house cleaner all the time.
Culturally, it is not proper for me to cook in the kitchen or do other chores in the company of the helper.
I am trying to do things diplomatically because I do not want to hurt my spouse but the point at issue is urgent. She has to read between lines and follow suit. How best can I do this?
Response
It is quite unfortunate that your wife is not as tidy as you would like her to be. I think you need to man up and tell her the truth. Do not be ashamed to help out and put your house in order.
Cleaning is basic and not necessarily a gender role. How old are the kids? You can also try to teach them young to look after themselves. The sooner you bring it to her attention the more she will try to meet you halfway.
I think you deeply care about her and you can find a very sensible way to express your concerns. Do not sweat over small things. It shall be well. Continue to take care of your family and house as best as you can.
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I have a big appetite
I am a 22-year-old guy and I am still in college. My eldest brother is married to a very humble woman. When I secured attachment in Harare, they readily offered me accommodation and I agreed.
My sister-in-law gave me some pocket money to buy toiletries and whatever I deemed important. She promised to do this fortnightly.
I am enjoying staying in the leafy suburbs and their food is first class.
Amai, everything else is wonderful but I am starving.
The portions they serve are far too little for a village guy like myself. I am used to big portions of sadza. I cannot complain because everyone seems to be used to these little portions. Even their teenage boys do not eat that much. After each meal, I am left licking my fingers.
The problem now is instead of buying what the money I get is intended for, I buy sadza in the afternoon just to fill my belly. At times, I feel like crying when food is put away as leftovers when I will still be hungry. When my sister-in-law says “babamudiki you can have some more” I lie and say I am full because others will have left the table. Amai, please advise. Is it ok if I open up?
Response
It seems like things are on the up and up for you. The big move is working out well. I am impressed by the generosity and kind-heartedness of your family.
They say mwana asingacheme anofira mumbereko. There is nothing wrong with going for seconds. Do it confidently and respectfully and this issue will be a thing of the past. You can even confide in your brother before you start doing this just to get some reassurance. Just make sure you stay fit and do not live to eat.
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