The Sunday Mail
Boyfriend went quiet on me
I am a lady aged 21 and have a serious issue that I need resolved. When I was 19, I dated this guy and really fell for him. We were intimate and he promised to marry me. He then went to South Africa. We communicated for a while until he just went quiet.
I did not know that he had lost his phone and so I tried to get in touch with him for seven months until I gave up. I then started seeing another guy in February but I was not really as interested in him as I had been with my old flame.
It just so happened that this guy from South Africa came back in June and started looking for me door-to-door in my old neighbourhood, not knowing that we had moved. He finally found me but I told him I was now with someone else. I told my current boyfriend what had happened and how I still loved my old flame. He was jealous and forced himself on me. Now I feel sick; I think I am pregnant.
He says he did this intentionally. He will never let me go. I risk losing my job because I am pregnant. I work as a maid. I am the breadwinner. I also do not want to be responsible for tarnishing my parent’s good name.
Response
You cannot just date someone for a few solid years before he goes to South Africa and then he does not have the slightest clue of how to contact you after his phone is stolen. How can you believe such a story? If he really wanted to get in touch with you, he had so many options at his disposal. He could have opted for a public phone or just asked someone close to you to help him contact you. He could have even used social media. He did not try as hard as you, why? Seven months is a long time. After this you fell in love with a guy you had no feelings for, again I ask why?
This is not a game. You should put yourself in this guy’s shoes. How would you feel if someone did this to you? Your story is stranger than fiction. The guy who ignored you for seven months jumped onto the scene and searched for you door-to-door. Vasikana tipeiwo ma serious. This does not add up at all.
After the South Africa guy came back you felt that the sparks were still there so what were you still doing with the other guy in July? You are confused. It seems you really do not know what you want. I urge you to go for a pregnancy test.
Do not treat these guys like kids. In my view, these guys do not trust you anymore because of what you told them. You knew you were a breadwinner but your priorities were upside down. Do not force yourself into a loveless marriage because it will not last. If this new guy really did rape you, he must be brought to book. Report him to the authorities.
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I love my stepmom
I am a 26-year-old married mother of one. I have a loving 28-year-old husband. My mother died when I was six-months-old.
My father tells me that he had to go back and rekindle his love with his old flame and that he felt he had let her down when he married my mother. My mother died in a bus crash; she was the only person who died. Only God knows why. My father’s relatives were not keen to look after me since I was so young.
My grandparents are still alive and so are my father’s siblings. My father, faced with this challenge, remarried quickly and my stepmother took over and looked after me as her own child. People from my father’s side were quick to accuse my father of having ignored the mourning period and said vapisa guva and that would cause problems in the family. My stepmom has one child with my dad, so we are two. She is an angel. I was well looked after and went to the best schools in the country. She accompanies me to my mother’s family during fortunate and unfortunate times and they have embraced her.
For my wedding, she really went out of her way to make it a five-star wedding. The problem now is one of my tetes — the eldest in dad’s family — is saying my stepmom is the one who bewitched my mother and caused her death. My two female cousins, who are not married, are saying all sorts of things fingering my stepmom as the reason why their fortunes are not looking up. Tete says she was told by a certain prophet that my stepmom should be sent packing otherwise problems will continue in the family. I believe she is kind. How can I help her? Do these prophets tell the truth, amai?
Response
Your letter touched my heart. I am glad that you are in a happy marriage and that your parents put you through school. Let me dispel the school of thought from tete that your mother was bewitched by your stepmom.
The only person who can determine life is God. Accidents are very common. Some are caused by defective vehicles and some are caused by human error. It is very unfortunate that after the death of your mother no one offered to look after you. It is my hope, though, that your father settled for his old flame because of love, first, and not just to have a baby-minder. According to your letter, your stepmom is like your biological mum because she looked after you. Yes, in our culture we have a stipulated mourning period, but if there is pressure as was in your father’s case, this can be overridden.
I will check with experts on how to resolve this. Your people have their priorities upside down. They rush to accuse your father of kupisa guva and jump to conclusions about who caused the accident, yet they could not take care of you in your infancy. What has triggered this witch-hunt after so many years? It is difficult for me to know whether some prophets are genuine or fake because there is no scientific evidence we can rely on. A lot of family relationships have been destroyed because of this. You and your father should weigh your options. Do not just be pushed around. This is the time when you should stand by your mother and fight in her corner. Your cousins will eventually get married; they should just wait for God’s time. Your stepmom is a shining example of a good woman. Pray for your family and for tete who is trying to tear the family apart.
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Ex-boyfriend dumped me when I fell pregnant
I was seeing this man and I got pregnant. I then told him about it. He was not ready to be a father and suggested we abort the baby.
He said he had doctor friends who could do a professional job. I refused and he dumped me. I have now given birth and I had asked him prior to this if he would like my family to tell him when our child was born.
He flatly said no. The problem I am dealing with now is that he does not communicate or support the child. I think it is important for parents to get along for the sake of the child. Please assist.
Response
It is good to take your time to know someone’s intentions when you date. It is unfortunate that this getting-to-know-each-other period is abused by others who demand sex, gifts and so many other things as a sign of love. Being intimate before marriage comes with a whole lot of problems. In most cases, people end up with unplanned babies and losing the relationships. When things happen in a flash, the issue of trust comes to play as well.
There are always more questions than answers. When people indulge, they should not cry foul when pregnancy is upon them because that is a possible end result in most cases. I am glad you refused to be pushed into committing a crime. In Zimbabwe, backyard abortions are criminal and one can get arrested for that.
Even doctors who abuse their practices and do this for money or to please friends can also find themselves on the wrong side of the law. Well done for standing your ground. I would urge you to keep your pride. Leave this guy alone, but you should go to a civil court to claim for child support.
Do not engage him for any talks. Keep your pride; just go legal. Yes, it is very noble for parents to communicate and map a way forward for their child, but how do you do it if he does not want to be bothered? You have learnt your lesson — once bitten, twice shy. You can move on with life. Love your baby and work extra hard to give him a comfortable life. Always pray for divine intervention. It shall be well.
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