The Sunday Mail
Mudzimba
Dr Chisamba
I AM 39 years of age and in a polygamous marriage. I got into this setup unknowingly, because my husband never disclosed that he had another wife before we got married customarily. I felt cheated, but I was stuck, as I was already pregnant at the time. The first wife did not welcome me at all. We were sworn enemies from the beginning up to now. We do not see eye to eye, although we share a husband.
I have three children aged 11, 15 and 17, but my husband is now saying he can no longer fend for the family. I am gainfully employed but the burden is too much for me to bear alone. He used to come and spend some time with me and the children but now he does not come to my house at all. He is staying with his first wife full-time. If I ask him why, he says he is where he belongs. This is heart-breaking and I do not know what to do.
Response
Your letter made my reading very sad because your husband misled you from the very beginning. He short-changed you by not telling you that he had another wife. Please, note, when you are dating, it is not just about romance. It is also the time to do research about the person you are going out with. It is very important to know where he stays, his circle of family and friends and where he is employed, among many other things.
I do not want to rub salt into old wounds, but you should have been more careful. I am not shocked by his first wife’s attitude; she probably was caught unawares as well. I suggest you go to a civil court and claim child support since all your children are still minors. Culturally, he cannot just say by word of mouth that he is done with you. He has to engage the go-between (munyai) to go and inform your parents with a divorce token (gupuro). It is unfortunate it took him many years to realise he belongs to his first wife. I would be happy to hear from you again.
Roommate taking me for a ride
Amai, I have learnt a lot from your Sunday Mail column. Thank you for that. I am a single guy aged 26. I am in love with a woman of the same age, who is working in Zambia. Our relationship is not going well because of trust issues. Early last year, I got into an arrangement with a female friend to share a two-bedroom apartment.
My parents said it was misguided to do so with a friend of the opposite sex. I personally did not see anything wrong with it, so I pursued it. We sat down and organised how we would split the bills. This only worked for the first two months. This woman has since stopped paying rent and buying food, saying she has hit hard times, yet she affords to go to expensive beauty spas. She is still gainfully employed, by the way. I threatened to kick her out if this continues and she sent me a text message, asking if it was okay for us to start dating. I was not expecting this. I do not know how to respond to this. Please, Amai, tell me what you think?
Response
Dear big fan, thank you so much for your communication. I am not going to dwell on your relationship with your girl in Zambia but since you mentioned it, I will say something quickly. Long-distance relationships are not easy; they have many problems that we will discuss in due course. I agree with your parents that sharing your apartment with a female friend was not the best arrangement, especially when you have your own trust issues with your girlfriend. Imagine how she felt.
The arrangement with this friend only worked for two months, so this means you are looking after an adult who can be self-sufficient if she wishes. Why are you letting her rip you off? Why did she abruptly stop contributing? Why did it take you so long to ask? I can tell you are not sure whether you should say yes or no to her request.
I do not think this girl truly loves you. She sounds manipulative. She knows that it will be very difficult to ask for payment once you say yes. As someone who stays with you, I assume she is aware of your relationship with another girl. Her intentions have nothing to do with love. Wake up and smell the coffee. The ball remains in your court. Is her name on the lease? You need to take decisive action and get a more suitable roommate. I advise you not to try to kick her out yourself without the help of law-enforcement agencies or property owner. I wish you all the best.
I played myself
Dear Amai, I am a 32-year-old woman and a mother of two lovely children. My husband is 34. We have been together for six years but our marriage is not stable. We do not agree on many things. I am naturally short-tempered and my spouse says this is pulling him away from me. He says he is now tired of episodes of my short-temperedness. When I am angry, I prefer going back to my parents’ home and coming back when I cool down. This has happened three times. Each time, my husband would back down and come to pick me up.
Last month, we had a nasty fallout and I went back to my parents’ home, as usual. I had suggested we try to go to the United Kingdom as most people are doing. This time around, he took the kids and the maid to his parents’ home and has not spoken to me since. I tried to call him but he does not want to speak to me anymore. I spoke to the gardener and he told me that he had changed most of the keys at our home. I miss my kids and home. My own parents have no kind words for me. How can I break the ice?
Response
Dear writer, thank you so much for writing in. I am glad you know your weakness; admission is the first step to resolving your flaws. Going back to your parents’ home is not solving the problem. It is as good as sweeping things under the carpet. It seems your entire inner circle is tired of these shenanigans and it spells danger. What you are doing is not good for the upbringing of the kids; this can affect them badly for the rest of their lives.
Spying on your spouse using workers is one of the worst things you can ever do in a marriage. Matters can be blown out of proportion or even twisted. Relocating is not an overnight thing.
There are many things to consider before you do that. In this case, I think you owe your husband and both sets of parents an apology for the inconvenience you have caused. I suggest you go for professional counselling. It will help you cool your temper. Have a family meeting with your parents and his tete. They will know what steps to take. It is my hope that whatever the outcome, it will be in the best interest of the children.
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