The Sunday Mail
DEAR Amai, I am a 34-year-old father of two. My children are from two failed marriages. I have been officially divorced twice. I love my children and I am worried since I cannot live with them or see them as much as I would want to. I do not know where I got lost or confused. I was brought up by very good parents, who respect marriage.
All of my three siblings are happily married but I continue to date endlessly. I am one of the best lovers one can ever wish for. I deeply fall in love but the moment I tie the knot, all the excitement vanishes and I lose the affection that would have led me to wed.
This is what happened with my two former wives. I spoke to my parents about this problem but they harshly dismissed me and said it was demonic. I need help. What could it be? I am a normal person. I do not smoke or drink alcoholic beverages. After a divorce, I feel a void and regret.
Response
Hello and thanks for writing in. What you are describing does not sound demonic. I think you struggle once you are out of the honeymoon phase. Marriage has its ups and downs, and you need to face them together as a couple. It is unfortunate that you have already gone in and out of marriage twice. I would advise that you do not commit yourself to a marriage unless you are willing to make it work.
Please, go for counselling to understand what marriage is all about and how being committed will have you navigate through the not so fun aspects of being in a relationship. The positive nugget I got from your letter is that you have admitted to having a problem.
Most people always try to pass the blame onto someone else. Your introspection will make a good starting point for this journey.
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Hubby not pulling his weight
I am a married woman aged 40. I am a mother of two girls and one boy. I am gainfully employed and my office is very busy. When I married my hubby, he told me that he wanted me to be his personal aide. He said I could get a helper for myself and the children but I should cook for him and do his laundry. I accepted his terms but now I feel drained; I get exhausted.
I wish I can have some days when I can sit back and relax. My husband does not assist me in any way. When he gets a drink from the fridge, he even asks me to open it for him. He even complains when I ask him to do a school run once in a while.
He wants me to personally prepare meals for him.
Most weekends, he is out with his friends, eating sadza and mabhonzo. Does he know the people who prepare those meals? Is this not a form of abuse? What he does not seem to understand is that I am no longer as youthful as I was some years ago, and I no longer tolerate being compelled to do certain chores. I have tried to talk to him but he insists that I continue.
He even said I have been participating in some women groups’ meetings, as if I do not reason on my own. Amai, how do I get a breakthrough?
Response
Hello writer, I understand how stressed you are. It appears your husband is the kind of man who is not often swayed.
The traditional family setup and gender roles are no longer as rigid as they used to be. There is nothing wrong with opting to do things for each other as long as it is reasonable and convenient for both of you.
You are getting old and you need more help. Simple tasks such as opening your own drink or picking up your own children should not be that much of a strain. As for the chores, if you already have a helper, let her assist bit by bit.
Let your husband know that you have not been active in any women’s groups but are just striving to find balance in a busy world. If he is a caring partner, he will understand.
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Hubby is out of control
I am a married woman. My husband and I have been together for 15 years and we have two children. Surprisingly, he still behaves like an unguided youth. I have been a faithful wife, declaring every cent I earn.
He misuses money; he does not think about tomorrow. He dishes out loans to family members and friends. He does this while I struggle with the upkeep of our family. Some of the loans are never paid back.
When I try to make follow-ups, at times I get answers like “Sorry, I was given the cash as a present”. We have no solid investments as a family but his lifestyle is sickening. Out there, he has been nicknamed Boss G, which means Boss Gold.
He brags about the Midas touch that he claims to have. I know what he earns from his workplace and I wonder where the surplus is coming from.
I have tried to talk to his elder brother and his parents. Unfortunately, this has not helped solve the problem because they are benefiting from his reckless lifestyle and all of them cannot lift a finger against Boss G. Amai, where do I start? Is there any hope?
Response
I am sorry about what is happening in your marriage. I am equally concerned about where the surplus is coming from. You could end up in debt or face something even more serious, for example, criminal charges.
I have often stated that the younger generation is under pressure to lead a flashy lifestyle to feed the social media.
I do not see the logic of prefixing one’s name with the word ‘Boss’.
Lay down the law. Tell him his lifestyle and failure to listen to you are eroding your marriage. I am also disappointed that his parents have joined the gravy train. Advise him to go with you to a financial services expert so that you can plan for your future and better understand your cash flow. I hope you will make a breakthrough.
Your financial freedom literally depends on it. I advise couples to plan their finances together.
If the husband fails to change his behaviour, you may need to start making the savings and investments he is reluctant to do. Though he will be aware of these savings, make sure they are iron-clad so that he cannot plunder them without your approval and signature. I wish you the best.
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