The Sunday Mail
Mudzimba
Dr Chisamba
Dear Amai, I hope I find you well. I am a 35-year-old mother of two. I was married for four years, but we did not get on well as a couple. Each one of us would go back to their parents’ home to seek solace when the going got tough.
When this happened, the kids would go with me to my parents’ place and this did not go down well with my husband and his family. To cut a long story short, we had a messy divorce and there was a lot of mudslinging from both sides.
After a year, we started seeing each other privately and we are very much in love.
We would like to be together for the sake of our kids and ourselves. We cannot even begin to announce this to family members or friends because of what happened in the past.
I tested the waters by presenting the idea of reconciliation to my twin sister and she told me directly that I would be on my own if I did that. Amai, we love each other. How do we go about this?
Response
Dear writer, thank you for reaching out to me. I am very well and thanks for asking. I empathise with you. Your kids have been through a lot, especially in their formative years. Your home was not a conducive environment for their upbringing. I always advise people to go for professional premarital counselling to manage expectations of marriage before diving in.
I also believe dating should play a pivotal role because that is when you look for red flags.
Marriage is a lifetime commitment; you should never jump into it blindly. I am sorry about the messy divorce; it is unfortunate that many people were affected.
The disadvantage is that people heal at different times and this may continue to haunt your reunion. From your communication, I feel you were two different people and this affected your compatibility. You never tried to solve your own problems; instead, you each ran back home for help.
My million-dollar question is: What has changed? At times, absence makes the heart grow fonder. I suggest you go for professional counselling with your partner first, then engage your tetes from both sides and have a candid meeting.
After this, if you still feel a reunion is necessary, then they can approach your parents. It is not going to be easy because you owe apologies to many people but you have to live your life and do what pleases you. I hope you have both learnt your lesson. Once bitten twice shy.
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Family is sucking me dry
I am a married man and I have three daughters. I was unemployed for three years and tried to hustle, but nothing tangible came from my efforts.
I am now employed as a domestic worker and I am struggling to make ends meet because of the demands from my father.
He has six unemployed wives. All of them have children and he cannot fend for them. Every month-end, he demands money from me.
My brother, who strives to impress dad, often pledges a large amount. However, he later asks me to contribute half the amount. Every month, he visits me, demanding cash. I have lost interest in my work and my family is suffering. Amai, please help. How do I get out of this situation? I am upset.
Response
I feel sorry for you but do not allow yourself to be forced into doing things you cannot afford. Your brother should never pledge on your behalf, especially without consent. You are a father and a husband.
I advise you to take the bull by the horns. Speak directly to your father and tell him how this is affecting your family. Tell your brother that if he continues doing that, you will not pay up.
You can try to set aside a few dollars every month and then, when you are ready, you can help your dad. You should not be pushed into giving when you have nothing. I do not understand why your father continues to take more wives when life is tough nowadays. I wish you all the best.
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Neighbourhood hates me
Dear Amai, how are you? I am a tenant and I reside where there is no borehole water. In the town we stay, the council does not supply water consistently.
So, in most cases, we ask for water from our neighbour. The husband is very friendly and does not mind us getting as much water as we need from their place. The other day, we went to fetch water and found the wife at home. She told us she did not mind us getting drinking water only from the borehole.
As for our laundry, she advised us to do it when there is council water. She said she did not want the borehole water to run out before the rainy season.
On our way home, I jokingly passed a comment that it seemed she was treating the water as gold. Amai, I was betrayed; she got wind of what I had said. The couple has since uprooted the tap, which was located outside, and we have to go very far to look for water. I have fallen out of favour with most of my fellow tenants. I do not know what to do. Please help.
Response
Dear writer, thank you very much for writing in. What you did was very ill-advised. Water is life and getting it for free from a neighbour was a blessing.
The lady was right. All she said was for you to preserve water and not to do your laundry outside her yard. You may feel betrayed but you are the one who is to blame for everything. You have to take accountability.
You have inconvenienced many people, who now have to go far to fetch water. Please, for the sake of good relations, apologise and take back your words. You should also apologise to your fellow tenants and learn to keep some of your thoughts to yourself. I would be happy to hear from you again.
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