From the deep end

THIS is a true story written by Charmaine Kamhanda, a lower 6 student at Mufakose 1 High School. She failed her first attempt at O’Level at Queen Elizabeth High and repeated her form 4 at Mufakose 1. She was no doubt a misfit in the class that she had been placed, the worst class – form four (five) class for it was the only class still with vacancies for those wishing to resit their “O” Level studies. Most of the students in this class had either learning disabilities or just could not cope with form four work. They had such an inferior sense of themselves. Several teachers had already labeled them and they had accepted that identity of under performers. The Sunday Mail Bridge managed to get Charmaine’s story about how she made it from the deep end to A’Level. Read on . . .

Charmaine Kamhanda, L6
Mufakose 1 High
MY 2014 could be described in two different ways. It was one of the worst years of my life, yet on the other hand so enriching and uplifting in a way. Having to sit my “O” Level examinations for the second time was turning to be even more demanding and complicated than l had imagined. It was one of the hardest things that l had to face in my life.

In the beginning I felt as though God had abandoned me. I would ask myself, “Why me God of all people, have l not suffered enough already?”
Being at a school where my two cousins had automatically done their “A” Level studies without much of a hassle, did not make things easier for me. Every time it appeared as if the students and the teachers were always comparing me with them. I dreaded going to school at times. The thought of being among students whom l regarded to be younger than l was, who were so loud and seemed not to have any idea why they were in school, it just weakened my spirit. I would wonder sitting quietly on my own if they knew what failing really meant, but of course who was l kidding. They totally had no idea. The hurt, the pain, disappointment and humiliation had shattered the once outspoken, cheerful personality that once existed in me.

As they say time heals everything, but not entirely everything though as l was to discover. As time passed, l realized that if l was to be someone in life with something to call my own through academic achievements, I had to get my act together. I knew l had to be strong, work hard and pray hard too. That was the turning point of everything. I would spend most of my time in the library in between lessons and after lessons. At home I would do chores, go for Maths lessons as it was the most challenging of all. After supper, l would study for a few hours then retire to bed. Waking up at 1am, study for at least two to three hours then retire to bed again. It was an exhausting routine, but with time l adjusted. I also gave myself time to relax with my friends and watching movies, but it never failed to cross my mind that l had examinations ahead of me.
Despite all this, there were instances that l would lose hope. I would cry myself to sleep asking myself “What if all this hard work be in vain?, what if l fail again? What is to become of me” I would cry, cry and cry until l developed chest pains. The following day, l would never show how deeply hurt and sad l was. I would make sure that l reassured people and make them believe l was ok.

That same day my English teacher would come for the esson, give us a reading from the Bible and about life. It would feel as though he had been sent by God because the minute he would have finished talking to us, my spirit would be lifted again. I would tell myself thereafter that if others passed through this and come out with flying colours, what can stop me from doing that. What evoked the will to work even harder is that most of my teachers believed in me, so did my parents so much that l did not want to disappoint them again. Examination time came and l managed to sit the seven subjects. Well despite the fear of failing since l was rewriting even the subjects l had passed the first time.

During the holiday one thing that l tried by all means was to avoid being at family gatherings. They would make me feel as though l was a nobody in life because l had failed the first time l wrote. I would feel out of place among my relatives.

Time passed slowly. I would spend time with my friends, but whenever l was alone, reality would strike me. I would ask myself “What if l failed, God what am l going to do?” I knew l was not strong enough to face the humiliation and disappointment again. It would just tear me apart.

When the “A” Level results were released, l knew soon ours would be out too. Those were the two weeks of my life that l now cannot put in actual words. I experienced frequent headaches and chest pains. I would cry every day, but on the outside l kept the strong personality that l had always.

I had never felt so much anxiety and worry in my life before. My whole life depended on this. One thing was for sure though no matter what the outcome would be, I knew l had done my best and l was proud of myself for that reason.

The results were released on a Friday that worsened and prolonged the stress. It was the longest weekend of my life ever. The weekend passed with so much anxiety.

What if l had failed? On Monday l asked my mom to go and find out if l had done well since she teaches at the school. I pleaded with her and she agreed. However, I got nothing out of it due to school policy. From that moment l knew l had to go and collect them myself the following day.

On Tuesday after my chores, l went right back to my blankets despite that it was very hot that day. At around 10am, I knew that l had to get up and go. I felt that l was not that strong to handle anything. So l phoned my best friend to escort me.

For me, besides my cousin Ashie, she is like a sister to me, one of those people who are always there when l need them. We met at the school gate, got in and joined what felt like the longest queue that l have never been in my entire life.

When it was my time to be handed over my result slip, I discovered that l had not been cleared by all my subject teachers. I had to go and find the Shona teacher which l did and rejoined the line. How l felt is indescribable. Finally the time came.

I was there standing at the reception window shivering, my heart pounding. When l was handed the slip, l could not believe my eyes.
My eyes filled with tears of joy for the first time in a long time. I had made it, my hard work had paid off. I was going to proceed to “A” Level and further my studies just as l had always longed for. I had attained distinctions in Literature, History, two Bs in English Language, Accounting Cs in Maths and Geography and a D in Science. I was over the moon and so was my best friend who hugged me.

I had made my teachers, family and friends proud of me.
All my teachers wanted to see what l had accomplished and they rejoiced with me. My former classmates and schoolmates celebrated with me because they all knew what passing meant to me. It meant the world.When l got home later that day, l cried and cried and cried and thanked the Almighty God because l knew without him l would not have made it. From that day l understood what Mr Muusha, my English teacher, would always tell me,

“God puts us in certain situations so that we learn different things in life to uplift us.”
The experience enabled me to see things at a bigger picture.

I now believe that with God everything is possible and no mountain higher to climb. I believe in myself better and now have self confidence in whatever l do.

My advice to all those who did not make it the first time is,
“Never give up no matter what happens in the process of trying to pass. And to those writing, make use of the time and opportunity given to you wisely. Have faith in God.”

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