The Sunday Mail
Mudzimba
Dr Chisamba
DEAR Amai, I hope I find you well. I am a married woman and a mother of one. I am in a happy marriage. I have a great friend, who is like a sister to me. We get on very well. We met at church six years ago.
We share different life experiences and even cry on each other’s shoulders when need arises. But last week, she accused me of spilling the beans and telling her husband that she was constantly in touch with her ex-flame.
I knew they were friends on Facebook and they still talk. They even shared gifts on their birthdays and Christmas. Her husband is furious and says he is no longer interested in her.
The former lover is also married. She used very vulgar language, which I cannot write in a national paper. She vowed never to speak to me again. She blocked me and some of her siblings are calling and asking me why I did that. I am innocent. I never said anything to anyone. How do I exonerate myself?
Response
Thank you so much for writing in. It is very refreshing to hear about happy marriages. Based on your communication, my impression is that yours was more than just a friendship. You were like family, sharing secrets. In my view, as a good sister, you should have helped your friend not to drag her past into her current life.
What is the use of befriending an ex-flame and sharing intimate gifts?
This may sound old school but really, what is the intention? What do they talk about? I do not know whether you spilled the beans or not but social media is open to the masses, that is why her husband feels disrespected and exposed. It is a public platform. I think receiving gifts behind the back of her current husband from an ex-flame is no different from cheating on him. I suggest you make a plan to go and talk to the siblings who are calling and prove your innocence beyond doubt. You should have two senior relatives from both of your sides to tone down tempers. It would be great if she also joins you.
This issue must be handled with caution because it is now threatening her marriage. I cannot speak to her, unfortunately, because she is not the one who reached out to me. Please, keep me posted.
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Family is at our throats
Thank you so much for The Sunday Mail column. I enjoy reading it every week. I am a married woman and a mother of two. I have been married for five years. At our homestead, we have an extra room that we used to rent out. It is part of the servants’ quarters. My husband’s youngest brother is 24 years old and he struggled with rent where he was a tenant. He recently spoke to my husband about moving to this room for a fee. I was not even there when they agreed to this.
He was paying US$75. Now, he is paying US$20 at our place for a bigger and smarter room. I asked my husband if this was a good arrangement. He replied that they were both happy about it. He has been with us for two months only but there is noise from all corners. My mother-in-law phoned my hubby, querying why he was made to pay for a room at our place. She has ordered he moves into the main house and occupy one of the bedrooms because he is part of the family. If it is not done, she will personally come to sort out the issue.
The only person against this plan is my father-in-law.We have a three-bedroomed house and we have a daughter and son, each occupying a bedroom. The third bedroom is ours.
Everyone is saying I influenced the young man so that we make money out of him. We are heartbroken because the arrangement was made in order to help him. My husband says we should let him move out and see if he can get a room for that amount. Amai, please help. We do not know what to do.
Response
Dear writer, thank you for your communication. I do not understand why people easily build storms out of teacups. I do not even see where other family members fit into this noble arrangement.
The two brothers discussed and decided what was best for each one of them. Your mother-in-law is totally out of control and off track. She should stop fuelling this whole thing. She actually has no right to make those decisions.
The people involved here are all majors, so they decide what is best for them. Out of interest, what is your brother-in-law saying? How did he put the issue of his tenancy across? He may be the one causing this discord intentionally or unknowingly.
I do not think it is fair to let him move out before you sit down as a family to discuss this issue. Your father-in-law should rein in amai first and then you can have a family meeting where you iron this out. I think it is good for your brother-in-law to have his own space and independence. He will have a chance to buy his own things. Be of good cheer. It will come to pass. It is a small issue. I would be happy to hear from you again.
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Wife calls my earnings chicken feed
I am a big fan of this column. I am a 32-year-old man married to a woman who thinks she rules the world. When we got married, she knew that she was more educated and earned more money than me. I often asked, during our courtship, whether this was not going to be a sticking point. She was so much in love that she indicated that no problem would arise. The day we got married, she gave me US$3 000 to add to my savings because some of her friends were coming for the lobola ceremony and the amount had to be reasonable.
I asked whether this was a loan of some sort or not, and she said it was just a token she was giving me. We are blessed with a set of twins. I work hard for my family. I do not drink or smoke. My wife now calls my earnings chicken feed but I still bring it to the table in full. We have had many financial fights and I am just tired. Recently, she told me that I can keep my money because it is not worth anything. I feel humiliated and my love for her is fading by the day. I do not want to stay in this marriage simply because of my kids. Please help!
Response
Dear big fan, thank you so much for your letter. However, it made me teary. I do not understand why you agreed to be given a top-up by your fiancé. That was the first big mistake you made. It simply means you went into this marriage as an underdog. You were not true to yourselves; you agreed to cheat your in-laws and everyone who was present.
You should have stood your ground and pushed the lobola date further until you had saved enough money. In life, some shortcuts do not get you to your destination. You knew you were stage-managing the amount and you were an accomplice in this. In marriage, whatever you have belongs to the two of you. If you still see yourselves as individuals, then there are big problems in that union. You do not stay in a marriage for the sake of your kids; love should be the binding force. There are a lot of cracks in your marriage and I suggest you both go for professional counselling. I would be happy to hear from you again.
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