The Sunday Mail
Dear Amai, I hope I find you well. I am a 32-year-old married man.
When I married my lover, I did not want her to be a full-time housewife because I had seen her potential. By then, she only had Ordinary Level qualifications, but now she is degreed.
I single-handedly paid for her fees and helped out by spending time with our two kids while she studied. She is 30-years-old now and hardworking both at home and at her place of employment. She heads a department in a particular ministry.
A fortnight ago, we visited her parents, who reside at their plot. The first thing I noticed was that Baba was very moody and did not seem to enjoy our presence. As I chatted with him, I mentioned that we were not going to sleep over because my mother was visiting us the very same day since she had a routine medical checkup in the city.
He snapped at me and blurted out that his daughter was overwhelmed and tired of looking after my side of the family.
To add salt to injury, he mentioned that it was not the reason he had sent her to school. I was shocked to hear him say that. Fortunately, my wife was right there. She told him that it was not fair for him to put words into her mouth. I am angry, Amai.
Will it be okay if I send him a message reminding him of what I did for my wife so she could become who she is today?
Response
Hello writer, I am well and thanks for asking. Well done for sending your wife to school.
That was a gesture of true love and commitment. You helped bring out the best in her. At times, one can blow things out of proportion by retaliating. In your case, it is not necessary at all because your wife put your father-in-law in his place. She did not support her father’s selfish thinking.
You knew what you wanted to achieve as a family when you sent your wife to school. You did it for your family and now you are all enjoying the benefits. You do not need to explain anything to anyone.
My advice is: Do not respond now as an afterthought since you did not say anything on the day. It is now water under the bridge. Take the high road; let him wrestle with himself. At times, that is the only way some people truly see that what they are trying to stir up is a hopeless cause. I wish you all the best.
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My employer is abusive
How are you Amai? I am a 24-year-old househelp. I was employed by a young couple to look after their parents.
I am loyal to the whole family. I stay with their parents, who are both in their early 80s. I have no complaints against Sekuru because he is a good man.
The young couple appreciates my efforts and they treat me well. However, Gogo is bad news, especially when we have visitors. She calls me names, shouts at me and yet when there are no visitors, we talk and laugh.
When she is very annoyed, she calls me “nanny” or “bhoyi” and tells visitors that househelps do not last because “vane manyemwe”. She is pushing me away, yet she needs my help the most as she is not well. I feel like running away as soon as I get my pay. Amai, please help. How do I handle such abuse?
Response
I am very well, and thank you for inquiring. I am glad all the people you mentioned except one respect you and appreciate your efforts. That is a good starting point. I am not trying to fight in Gogo’s corner, but I want you to know that in old age some people behave like kids. When one becomes senile, one may exhibit temperamental behaviour like what Gogo is doing. She seems excitable when she is in the presence of many people.
She knows when to act silly and when not to, which would suggest that this is not a genuine condition. Running away is not advisable; two wrongs will not make a right. Speak to your employers and tell them how you feel about Gogo’s behaviour.
They will definitely speak to her. If she does not improve, then you may decide to formally resign. Caring for the elderly is often challenging. I am glad you are trying to resolve issues as rationally as possible. I wish you all the best.
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Am I being taken for a ride?
I follow your column weekly. I am a young woman aged 19 and madly in love with a 21-year-old guy.
The problem is he is now dating another lady in the same neighbourhood. I confronted him about this and he did not deny it.
He said I should not worry because he loves me more. When I see him with this girl, he ignores me, then calls me later to explain why he could not even greet me. He has even gone further by putting this woman’s picture as a wallpaper on his phone. I am heartbroken, but if he loves me more, what should I do?
Response
Thank you for supporting this platform. As always, my goal is to enrich all those who read and learn from the topics I discuss weekly. Wake up and smell the coffee. Your youth is showing because you are being willingly led astray.
What proof do you have that he loves you more?
Moreover, he cannot date another person without your approval or consent. That is not what a committed relationship is based on. The primary purpose of dating is to build a foundation and isolate red flags.
This man is not loyal, and he has no respect for you.
Disengage from this situation while you can still walk away. Take it easy and be more discerning when it comes to the men you give your time. I would be happy to hear from you again.
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