The Sunday Mail
I am a 25-year-old woman living with my husband of four years. We have a beautiful daughter that we both love so much. My husband is 30 and works for an NGO and makes good money. I am not gainfully employed because when I eloped to my husband’s family I had just finished my O-Levels.
I got very good results but I did not go further with my studies because I was already pregnant. Amai, the issue here is I am being used.
We live with his parents and they view me as a housemaid. I work harder than I did at my parents’ home but I am never appreciated. What breaks my heart is my hubby seems to have no time for me anymore.
When he goes out he just tells his mother and I am always left wondering about his whereabouts. I miss my family so much. He has not paid lobola, kana tsvakirai kuno Amai. I heard through the grapevine that he now wants to marry his childhood sweetheart. His parents seem to be on board with that idea.
His elder brother’s wife is very close to me because we have the same totem, so she tells me a lot. I told my tete all this in confidence and she thinks she can go to convince my parents so that I go back home. I am between the depth and the devil, I cannot think straight. I dread making the wrong move. I can feel the distance between me and my husband.
Do you think my parents will take me back after four years in exile?
Response
I feel for you. At times life pushes us into situations that we can deem unfair. I do not want to rub salt on old wounds but the truth has to be said.
The guy you are referring to as your husband is not your man because you are not married. The truth is he is the father of your beloved daughter.
He makes good money as you rightfully say but why does he not pay lobola as our culture demands? Why is he not telling you the truth about your relationship? Kuchaya mapoto is not good most people have been let down and left stranded.
This guy has a right to marry whoever he wants to spend his life with because he did not commit to you or to anyone else for that matter.
I am sorry because you are being overworked. If you feel the distance, why then continue to waste your time? Are you waiting for him to send you packing? If I were in your shoes, I would ask tete to go and apologise to the parents and tell them that you want to go back home as soon as humanely possible. The prodigal son did worse in the Bible but he went back home and was forgiven, so why not you?
You can also go to a civil court and claim for child support. You are young and full of potential, you can do better. Do not waste any more time. Go back home. If he truly loves you he will fight for you.
Pray about your situation, there is immense power in prayer. I would be happy to hear from you again.
Struggling to quit my toxic relationship
I am a 23-year-old unmarried lady. I went to the same university with the guy I am dating. He is 25 years old and we are both gainfully employed. I love this guy with all my heart and I am ready to spend the rest of my life with him.
The problem is that this guy is hot tempered; he beats me up when he is angry or annoyed. He has no respect for me whatsoever. His colleagues at work even complain about his behaviour when he comes to the office.
What bothers me is he is a womaniser, he does not allow me to go to his place unless he invites me. I feel taken advantage of because he comes to my apartment whenever he feels like it and he eats and drinks as he pleases. His friends always tell him that I am the best girl for him because I am genuine.
He does not allow me to go out with my female friends unless he says yes. He behaves like a tyrant. My family do not want to hear about him and even my mother said she is tired of my complaints because I still listen to him like a fool.
When I go to visit them he follows me and sits in the car and hoots when he feels it is time to go.
My father gave him a stern warning the last time he did this. He goes through my phone and shouts at me if he comes across what he does not like. Amai, I am enslaved but please do not ask me to quit this relationship because I love him, he is my soul mate. Can we make peace and plan for our future because he avoids this topic at all costs.
Response
To tell the truth your letter made my reading sad. If I were a musician, I would have sung Enzo’s song which asks “Ko uri kutsvireiko kana tea isina sugar?” Please wake up and smell the coffee.
A guy who loves and respects you will never beat you, no matter what. Love is not one-sided as in your case, it takes two to tango.
If you are good enough for him, why does he go after other women? Love triangles are risky in the wake of STIs. This guy is very mean and self-centred. He does not allow you to do the same things that he does, why? He has no right to go through your phone without your permission.
Use the law to protect yourself otherwise you will be maimed or killed by this guy. Your parents and family are not in good books with him. Even at his workplace he is unpopular. From what you told me I think he is a player wasting your time.
He ignores you when you try to talk about building a future because he is not ready at all.
He needs help to manage his anger; at 25 he should do better. Last but not least, please refuse to be enslaved. There is no need for this. For now I suggest you just give a few weeks to think about it. It is not love. Call the police on him next time he beats you up. Do not suffer in silence.
Wife is terrorising me
I am quite a man in stature and I am married to a very big woman referred to in our small community as “giant”. I am 35 years old and she is 32. We have been married for two years and we are yet to have children. Many people laugh at us because they think we are a mismatch. For this reason, we rarely go out together unless it is very necessary.
Amai, she has a table at a nearby market where she sells veggies. I am a part-time gardener because I find it more rewarding than to be employed by one person. I work in several gardens but my wife demands that money be paid into her EcoCash account. When I ask her for that money for me to just buy a beer she beats me up, ndanzwa nekurohwa.
Last time I diverted money into my friend’s EcoCash account. He did not give me anything, claiming he used my $100 by mistake. I told my parents about this issue and they mocked me saying ndizvo zvinoita munhu akadyiswa. I am very unhappy and was thinking of stopping my part-time jobs but already I have been warned by “giant” that she will beat me up and let me starve.
Response
I am really impressed by the way you work.
There is nothing like a mismatch in marriage. As I always say this is a game of emotions and true love comes from the heart, so do not worry about people who laugh at you. I think your wife is a very violent person. She is also selfish at the same time.
I think you need to go back to the drawing board. Each one of you needs their financial freedom. Inasmuch as you may budget together what is so difficult about getting a cheap phone and getting your own EcoCash line?
Your wife needs help — she is of a violent nature. Use family structures like tetes to help you sort your issues amicably. If she continues beating you up get a peace order, please always use the law to protect yourself.
I know many men do not open up when their wives abuse them. You are doing well because you are both working for a living. Marriage is all about true companionship, you cannot achieve this by being at each other’s throats every time. Continue to work because you need the money to sustain yourself. Is there a good reason why she demands to receive the money on your behalf?
Do you use your money responsibly? Your parents should be there for you. I do not think makadyiswa, zvinongoda kurongeka chete. I would be happy to hear from you again.
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