The Sunday Mail
Dr Rebecca Chisamba
Mudzimba
Is lobola necessary?
HELLO amai, how are you? I am a 29-year-old single mother of one and my boyfriend is a divorced 33-year-old. We love each other very much.
The problem is that he does not have money to pay for my lobola. I want to elope, reason being that good men are hard to find especially the ones eager to care for me and my child. Is this a good idea or will I live to regret it?
I often wonder if lobola is even necessary at all?
Response
Hello dear writer. I am very well, thanks for asking. I am saddened by how you want to get into a make-shift arrangement with this guy. Great haste makes great waste. If he is unable to raise money for lobola, how is going to take care of you and your child?
Why would he buy the cow if he can get milk for free?
Culturally, we do not condone kubika mapoto.
How much does he have and can it be a starting point for dialogue with your family?
In as much as you care for him, your child is also involved.
Do not get involved with him in that capacity if there is no security. Build your future together the right way. Lobola is a must if you want your family to recognise this man as your husband. Plan together and try not to go over the top with your ceremony.
At the end of the day, it is about him putting something towards your bride price the rest will follow. What line of work is he into?
What lines of credit are available to him and how best can you optimise his finances?
Use the energy and effort you put into wanting to elope into coming up with a plan and I am sure love will win. I am rooting for you.
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Brother blocking my romance
I am a 29-year-old and have a 31-year-old boyfriend. He has become weird all of a sudden ever since he found out he works with my brother.
He even told me he was also like a brother to him and as such he could no longer date me. What nonsense is this?
I really do not see the problem. I am heartbroken because everything before this was going great. How can I talk and breakthrough to him in order to save our relationship?
Response
Your issue seems simple at first glance. Why not talk to your brother about it and hear what he has to say.
Explain how you are in love and how nice your boyfriend is. I think he may even be a little scared of your brother. What are the work dynamics like? Is your brother his superior?
Either way, you already fell for him. I think your brother may need to give his blessing for the relationship to go forward. If he really is a stand-up guy and treats you right, I do not see a problem here.
However, be prepared for anything. Your brother may be privy to some additional information you may not be aware of. I do wish your boyfriend would man up a little.
If he truly loves you, he has to find the courage to tell your brother himself. He has left you to do the hard bits alone, what a shame. If you are to turn the tide you need to be open and get both of these guys to speak up. I hope it works out well for you.
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My mother is very abusive
I am a 19-year-old child and I stay with both my parents. My mother is abusive to me and my siblings as well as my father. I have three siblings.
My dad works for the Government and has been going to work non-stop in spite of the lockdown. My mom stopped going to work at the onset of the lockdown.
She lives to torment everyone with this extra time. At times she calls my father to shout at him when he is at work, accusing him of having girlfriends when she sees him online.
She demands to go through his phone when he comes home and recently announced that she would poison the entire family if my dad continues to cheat.
My father is a peace-loving man and often tries to pull her aside to resolve things. They argue well into the night. How can we end this? We live in turmoil amai. They tried bringing in a marriage advisor and it changed nothing.
Response
I am very sorry about your situation at home. Your mother is not treating her spouse and children with love. Lockdown has seen a spike in gender-based violence (GBV) cases and abuse in general. How old are your younger siblings?
Your father seems to be failing to calm things down. I can get you in touch with an organisation that specialises in such cases.
The next step would be to get the courts and social welfare involved in the matter. The children will be placed in a good family-friendly atmosphere. As for your father, he needs to receive legal assistance and weigh his options.
It is one thing for the marriage advisor to be shunned but to continue to live in such an environment hoping it will change is madness. Talk of poisoning the family is dangerous and decisive action must be taken now.
I also think your mom needs to assessed so she may also receive the help she needs. It is tough to separate a family but at times it is the only way to salvage the futures of everyone involved. Thank you for confiding in me. I will do my best to help.
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