The Sunday Mail
Mudzimba
Dr Rebecca Chisamba
Family squabbles stressing me
I am an avid reader of your column and I appreciate the advice you give to others. My story is quite long but I will try and make it short and straight forward. I am a young lady aged 23. Two years ago God blessed me with a job and I must say it changed my life for good. I am now working and studying at the same time and I live alone in a low density suburb. Nyaya yakatangira pakuti my stepsister from my father’s second marriage came over during the holidays and asked if she could stay with me since she had enrolled at a local teachers college. During that time my younger sisters from my mother’s side were around and as the eldest of my siblings I had no choice but to accept her request. When my mother heard of it she forbade me from taking her in stating how my father left her for my stepmother. To be honest amai I love my siblings equally, those from my mother’s side and those from my father’s side. After all my stepmother took good care of me when my parents divorced. My brother and I were two years old when my stepmother took over. We had a good childhood. My biological mother eventually came and took us to go live with her when we started secondary school. I have always had a good relationship with my stepmother and my siblings. I do not know why my mother is angry at me for allowing my stepsister to come and stay with me. Every month I make sure I send her some money and supplies for my younger sisters who still attend school. She tells me that I am breaking her heart by choosing my father’s other family over ours. My stepmother was gainfully employed and my father was not when I was growing up. So she basically provided for me. How can I make her understand? Ndirukubatsirawo hama yangu if it had been me her stepsister she would be doing the same. She has nowhere else to go here in Harare our parents are based in Bindura.
Response
Thank you so much for writing in. First and foremost let me say thank you so much for being a shining star in your family. In life it is very noble to often reflect on past events, it helps you set your present course. Your stepmother is one of those people that are in their own league because of her uniqueness. She looked after you well, put you through school and even made sure you had food on the table when she was the only breadwinner. You had a good childhood, you were never segregated, this should be commended. What you are today came from the foundation your stepmother laid. Your biological mother is wrong and should not derail you from what you are doing to help your siblings from both sides. She may be bitter from her divorce with your father but now she is turning up the heat on the wrong people. She actually should be ashamed of herself. She came to get you when you were at secondary school level so it means it is the stepmother who did the heavy lifting in your early years because you were left at very tender age. You were only two years old. I urge you to continue to look after all your siblings in the same manner. You are 23, have a candid talk with your mother and if need be politely remind her about the past. If you cannot for any reason, then try to speak to one of your mother’s siblings. Someone just needs to knock some sense into her head. Do not give yourself unnecessary pressure. I hope she will not sink low and try to reach out to your siblings from baba’s side and cause mayhem. Pray for your family’s stability, there is immense power in prayer. I would be happy to hear from you again.
I want to get married
I am a young lady aged 27 and have been dating my boyfriend since 2015, making this the 4th year in our relationship. He is still in varsity and I go to work. I met his mom and other relatives and they seem to like me. From my side he met my mom and siblings only. The problem is this year we moved in together, which I know is bad but it happened. So now I have been asking him when he is going to marry me since we have been living together since 2016. He always says next year but there is no progress. I love him and I have shared so much with him, I do not wish to break up with him. He looks like he wants to marry me but mari ndoisipo I guess. So ndoita sei andirore nhai amai?
Response
At times I find it very difficult to understand why people try to rush into marriage when they are not ready. It takes two to tango, so it means the two of you should be in agreement. You have been going out together for the past four years and you did not mention anything untoward about your relationship. On paper it comes across as steady and mature. I really do not understand why you moved in together (kuchaya mapoto). Even if you stay together you will still feel the void, for instance, you still want him to marry you as soon as yesterday. This pressure may upset your relationship and spoil it for good. You are anxious that he should fulfill this. In my view you may now be operating on different wave lengths. In his heart of hearts he may have slowed down, why buy a cow when the milk is plenty? In most relationships the urge to live together is the one that pushes people to commit. It is unfortunate you went this way. In your letter you say he is a university student and he is failing to raise money for lobola. Please bear with him I think there is a lot on his plate. For now he has to play a role as an artificial husband, concentrate on his degree programme and do so many other things. He is overwhelmed. My advice is please be patient and wait for God’s time, as long as you love each other. I hope your staying together will not spark fire with your parents. Very few in our culture are big fans of this arrangement. I wish you all the best.
Distance is ruining my relationship I really appreciate the assistance you give to people and I enjoy watching your shows. I am a young man aged 23 and my girlfriend is 21. We have been dating for 7 years now. I recently completed my diploma in human resources management and I am unemployed. My girlfriend went to South Africa to look for work when I was going to school. I was not ready to take care of her. We promised each other that when I finished school and got a job she would come back. Now she is saying time is moving and she wants us to be together and I am still not ready for that. She is so good to me but the pressure she is giving me makes me feel so depressed. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Response
It is similar to another letter I am responding to this week. Why are young people pressurising each other so much? True love will blossom into a marriage. It is a solemn thing, it is not supposed to be rushed. Marriage is a lifetime commitment and it should be treated as such. It is not an overnight arrangement it cannot be rushed. This is one of the reasons why divorce rate remains high and there is so much abuse in some marriages. Engaged couples please take it one step at a time and up your game before you tie the knot. When people are educated they understand many concepts and this is a plus in any union. The chances of getting employed are also many. Tell your girlfriend to hold her horses, you are still pursuing your goals. Staying together and happiness are two different things. From your letter I agree the pressure is definitely too much for you if it is causing depression. This affects your health negatively. Watch her steps. If my maths serves me right you started dating when she was only 14 makamukira nhai? Have a serious talk with her and tell her the whole truth that for now you cannot commit. I would be happy to hear from you again
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