The Sunday Mail
I AM 37 and my wife is 36. We are blessed with twin girls. My wife is a difficult person and suffers from mood swings. We have been together for over a decade, but I really do not know how to handle her. I am peace-loving. I always say sorry even when I know I am right.
I often also give her something (kuripa) to go with my sorry. If kuripa is not done she carries on with her fierce and foul mood. Amai, I feel I cannot keep on paying for peace in my home. I am overstretched and out of budget most of the time. The worst bit is she dictates to me what she would want me to give her when she is upset. Please help. How do I stop this practice without picking a fight?
Response
You are right in trying to put an end to this. I think you are an enabler and your wife takes full advantage of this. There is nothing wrong with being a peace lover. It is an admirable quality. However, conflict, no matter how small, is unavoidable in life. I think you must start by explaining to your wife how out of pocket her behaviour is putting you.
You must then tell her you are no longer going to stand for it regardless of whatever blowback she may want to inflict. Try to get her elder relatives involved. These mood swings and unexplainable behaviour may be something more complex. Get her medical attention. It could be an imbalance that can be treated.
Mental health needs to be taken seriously, especially if your marriage is to remain intact. I can tell you are so frustrated. I also believe relationship counselling with a good mediator can help normalise your relationship. Do all this and develop a spine. A firm course of action is the only thing that will make you resolve this situation. I wish you all the best.
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In-laws invading our house
Thank you for your Sunday Mail column. I am a married woman who is blessed with three kids.
My husband’s parents stay in the same town with us and they are both retired and comfortable. We even take turns to help them with their general upkeep because we feel their pensions do not stretch that far.
However, something very unusual is happening in our lives. My in-laws came to our house for Christmas last year but as I write this letter, they are still with us. Every now and then they go back to check on their house and grandchildren.
But they come back all the time and with more clothes and things to use. I asked my husband if there has been any arrangement for them to permanently move to our place without my knowledge.
He said he is just as surprised as I am. They are a big inconvenience and they are using my daughter’s bedroom who has since permanently moved to the couch. Amai, how do we send them packing without causing a stir?
Response
Hello writer and thank you for supporting this platform. They say there is no smoke without fire. I am struggling to believe your husband is not in on this. Nevertheless, he has to take charge. He needs to ask his parents why they have decided to move in with you. Is there something wrong with their own home? If so, what are the best ways to resolve this? The truth of the matter is that personal space matters.
If you do not set boundaries people will walk all over you. I feel sorry for your daughter. You can even start the probing by asking about the security of their home now that they are spending more time with you. I find it irresponsible that they are leaving the grandchildren there.
I hope there is an adult to take care of them. I think the best way forward is to summon the courage to address the situation. It will be hard for your husband because they are his parents. It needs to be done tactfully and respectfully. I think what makes it difficult is that you allowed them to overstay their welcome. Does your husband have any siblings?
What is their take on the matter and can they equally assist? You have to bite the bullet soon otherwise this will never end. Continue to assist them with their upkeep. It is a good initiative.
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I am in love with the maid
Amai how are you? I am 17-years-old and still in high school. I am madly in love with sisi –the housemaid. It is a grave secret because I know that my parents will not approve of it. We only have our quality time when the rest of the family members are away. This has been going on for the past six months and she now wants us to get married or else she will spill the beans.
I told her I still need to carry on with my studies and I do not have any money for lobola. She says marriage is more important than school. Please advise me, my parents will kill me if they get wind of this. The other day when we were arguing, she got very angry and put some of my school books in a bucket of water just to spite me. Please help. What do I do?
Response
I am very well and thanks for asking. Young man, are you really 17? The trouble you are stirring is really beyond your years. How old is this maid? There are issues of consent involved, I assume. You are being taken advantage of and being forced into a situation of having to marry her.
The next thing is that she is going to fall pregnant. You talk of the importance of school but you have strayed from that path and continue to do so more and more each day. There is no coming out on top of this situation. The best option is to try to get ahead of it. Come clean to your parents. They will take it from there.
You need reform and discipline. You cannot talk of love at 17! This is more of lust and excitement. Steady yourself if you do not want to shortchange your future. Stop all of this and ask for forgiveness.
Do not waste time negotiating with this woman. She is manipulative. Get your parents involved and get this resolved as soon as possible. I would be happy to hear from you again and assist in resolving this very disturbing situation.
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