I am 39 and my wife is 36. We are both professionals and we bring income that is enough to keep our heads above water.

We have two beautiful teenagers. My wife is a deputy choir leader in church, we are a Christian family.

Mai Chisamba, I understand you when you warn people that marriage does not necessarily change one’s character. When people are dating and blinded by love some of the characteristics unongoti tinozoona later but kumberi kune basa.

I married my bully while I was aware of her shortcomings. Now I regret it. Many women say “I will endure for the sake of my children”. This time around it is me, the head of the family, saying that.

I always say for how long am I going to tolerate this nonsense?

My wife is bad news. She is a problem-stirrer. My in-laws are alive but they cannot lift a finger against her. Her brothers and sister are scared of her and I am now tired of her shenanigans and am on the verge of throwing in the towel.

My wife’s eldest brother passed away in June this year. There was drama at the funeral, most of it caused by my wife. Kunyara kunokunda kufa. This was broad daylight and in full view of friends and family. Kurwira zvinhu nemuroora. She accused the widow of unfounded issues and brought goods home that I felt should be used by the widow and her children.

The worst among these and the reason for this letter imota yehanzvadzi yake yakafa yakadhonzwa. It is at my house. We have two cars so I do not understand why she brought this one. I tried to speak to her about this and she fumed and told me that she wanted to teach her muroora a lesson. When I saw the kids of the deceased crying I was heartbroken. I feel it is time I opted out but something tells me to stick around for my kids’ sake.

Response

Each time I read these letters I wonder what has gotten into our people. We are people with a culture of respecting other people, their property and space. Where has that gone to?

In our culture, parents will always be people you look up to and when they speak one listens. They may not be always right but there is a special respect in that communication. Why can they not lift a finger against their wild daughter?

Yes it is true, the leopard does not change its spots, that is why it is very important to go for pre-marital counselling. Some churches and organisations provide such services.

You describe your wife as a bully, you knew this before you married her so you needed to work on this. You have yourself to blame.

Marriage is different from a short-term prison sentence – it is supposed to be lifelong, genuine companionship. Kugarira vana is one of the worst things any spouse can do.

Children do not define a marriage. You talk of two families succumbing to your wife’s behaviour; ko zvanyanyoita sei? Anoruma here? She needs help and you as the spouse should go out of your way to see that she gets it. Now she has embarrassed the whole tribe in front of friends and strangers at a funeral because you did not apply the adage “a stitch in time saves nine”.

We have cultural and legal ways of sharing the deceased’s property. Put your foot down and tell your wife to take back whatever she grabbed. She is just greedy. If she does not comply the widow should take legal action. How can your wife create such stupid drama at her own brother’s funeral? God forbid!

People should protect children.

The two of you should go for professional counselling immediately. You or somebody should tell your wife in her face that her behaviour is shameful. I hope the bull will be tamed but be careful of its horns and kicks. I do not want to talk about Christianity, she makes a mockery of it. Go back to the drawing board and be assisted; vakomba sebudzi amai ngavabatsirwe.

To everyone else — it is good to work on your differences before you get married. If this is not done it will affect a lot of other people, including children.

***

Boss wants to leave wife for me

I am 17 and have six good O-Levels. I am employed as a maid because I thought I would help my poor parents in raising money for me to do a course.

Life is very unfair as I have now discovered. The couple I work for is pretty. They have two kids who go to primary school.

I think some marriages are built on luck and mushonga. The madam I work for is a joke and they have nothing in common with her hubby. She is a Grade Seven drop-out and could not even handle Grade Three and Five homework for her children.

It was the husband who used to do this before I came, now I have taken over and he is very happy; even the kids like me for that. When I started work the bath tubs were discoloured, the walls and the floors too. The truth is the house was very filthy and I worked hard to make sure the place was clean.

She is a full-time house wife but chabuda hapana. The only positive thing I can say about her is she drives. I do not know how she managed this. I have nothing against her — please do not get me wrong. The issue I want to highlight is she is very lazy and baba may end up running away. When I am off, daddy eats out because she is not a good cook. I am virtually running the house and I do it so efficiently ivo vakangomirira kunzi “madam”.

If you watch TV with her you will not enjoy because she keeps asking “zvanzii, uyo ndiani?”

I just wanted to give you a background otherwise you will not understand my letter. Baba told me that he is very appreciative of my services and he feels I am being underpaid but he doubts if madam is of the same opinion.

Every month I now get a private “thank you” envelope that is placed in the bin ini ndozotora. Last month I bought some groceries for my parents in Chihota and madam asked baba to drop me off at the bus stop on his way to golf. Instead he drove me all the way to my rural home.

On the way he told me how much he loved me; kubuditsa misodzi chaiyo on my shoulder. He told me that it was his tete who made him marry this backward woman.

I am confused. I do not know what to say to him. I would not want to see him cry again because ini ndakatozochemawo. He is a very kind man. My other question is what will happen to his wife? Ini barika handidi I am too smart for that.

Response

I am grateful to your parents who managed to put you through school despite the hardships. They sound like reasonable parents although I think you differ in character.

When I read your letter I double-checked your age because I could not believe it was from a 17-year-old. How do you associate with luck and mushonga at that tender age? Who told you? Why are you so judgmental?

How can you talk about this couple’s lack of compatibility as if you are part of this union? Why do you cry more than the bereaved?

You need to know that for marriage, the criteria is not a CV but true love. Yes, people should always strive to improve themselves academically, morally and so on.

Madam is not a joke. She is your employer. If she decides today that she does not need an aid then you are done. Do not bite the hand that feeds you. Instead of calling her a Grade 7 drop-out why do you not encourage a fellow woman to read and maybe help her as you are doing with the kids?

People come from different backgrounds. You do not know why she did not go further with her studies. I do not encourage people to be lazy and filthy but I think madam this time scored high when she realised her weakness then employed a maid to do the work for her.

I will speak to you as a mother.

Do not get carried away. Usakwidzwe ndege yemashanga -—unodonha. You are working because you want to further your studies so do not be distracted. Do not let this guy take advantage of you.

Reading between lines I can tell he has already won your heart. You asked me questions but it seems your mind is already made up. Why are you talking about chipari/barika if you just want advice?

Stay away from this game – it is not for the faint-hearted!

Ko baba ava waivabatsira kuchema uchiti uri kuiteiko? What a spectacle! Remember you are not the first maid at this home. Maybe this is what he does all the time.

Love triangles are most unsafe in the wake of diseases like HIV and Aids. Fambira chinhu chimwe chete seambulance chisikana.

Who told you that dad eats out when you are off? Remember you are just a passerby. You are young, intelligent and full of potential. Do not lose focus.

Desist from hate language. This woman has done nothing wrong to you. Finally, leave this man alone. Ibhinya. He is already married. He does not want to be arrested for rape that is why he is persuading you to fall in love with him. Wake up and smell the coffee.

Pray sincerely to avoid such temptations. All the best.

Write to [email protected] and WhatsApp +263771415747.

 

Married for wrong reasons

I am a 40-year-old lady who got married recently. I know you will be surprised as to why so late but the truth is I could not find the right man in the early stages of my life.

I dated in my 30s and I found all men to be similar to my abusive father. I was raised by a single mother who went through an unpleasant divorce.

My story is similar to that of the lady who married for the wrong reasons, which appeared on August 7, 2016. I married my husband out of desperation because of my age. I never loved him and still loathe him though he seems to love me. I hoped things would change once we started staying together but alas it is getting worse. I cannot stand his touch. What makes it worse is that he gave me the impression that he had lots of properties only to discover he has nothing.

He lives in my house, drives my car and eats my food. What do I do? Please help. He was working when I met him but now he has no job.

Response

I am so sorry about your past which affected you so much. I know it is not easy but it is high time you let go and move on. You have bottled a lot of anger and bitterness and this may affect innocent people.

You need the services of a professional counselor where you can go to empty your burden and start on a clean slate.

I am not surprised that you married late because I believe that God’s time is important: you cannot slow it down or fast forward it.

People have different preferences so I do not know who in your imagination Mr Right is. For now you think all men are similar.

In my view I think that is a very wrong perspective because people are distinct individuals and you cannot paint them all with the same brush. It is cruel to play with people’s emotions – for goodness sake, never say “yes” if it is not for true love.

I have received so many letters along the same lines kuti it was because of my age or because of my family. This is wrong. Why were you desperate for marriage if you did not fancy any man because of your abusive father’s character?

It is not like marriage completes you. You are 100 percent in your own right with or without a spouse.

Why are you wasting this guy’s time? It is grossly unfair. When he touches you to him it means the world and yet you feel disgusted.

You are venting your childhood anger on an innocent person who loves you, what a shame! I always say marriage does not bring love into a union the love already has to be there. If you put a rotten product in a fridge it does not make it fresh.

Marriages are there to nourish existing love. If you walk into a loveless marriage it is a waste of time because it gets worse as you are experiencing.

You are a strange couple.

Your husband lied and gave you the impression that he owned properties and you in turn lied that you had fallen for him. Why? Dzanga dzasangana shasha.

Lies have no room in any union because you will always regret. Muwanano hapana ane chake ega unless mazvigadzirisa pamutemo kuti izvi ndezvangana izvi ndezvangana musati machata.

My house, my car, my food and my this . . . no! Marriage cannot survive like this.

When someone loses his job it does not mean apera. Help each other until he finds a job. Please do not be so negative. Cheer up, there’s only one life to live and you are only 40.

I will give you my final say after you have been to a counselor. Love and peace are more important than acquisitions. I will be in touch.