Who should I say yes to?

Bombarded with marriage proposals

I am in a dilemma, I do not know the right guy to get married to. I am 32 years old and I lost my fiancé in 2012, just three weeks to the wedding day. I had moved on and started dating a guy for two years and in April he cheated on me, and he never denied it. We parted ways. Three weeks ago he came back apologising, asking to meet my family for lobola negotiations. In August I travelled to South Africa for some job-related workshops where I met another Zimbabwean man based there and we became friends.

To be honest, the guy never proposed zviri official. He too has already communicated with his relatives about paying my roora and over the weekend I met his tete and sekuru and they asked for the official family introductions. I am taken aback with the speed at which this guy is moving. We are both 32 and he is only a week older than me. Who should I say yes to?

Response

I am really sorry about the passing on of your fiancé. To make matters worse this happened just a few weeks before your white wedding. As for your lover of a few years, cheating is not a good sign in any relationship. It has a lot of unforeseen ripple effects. After two years of courtship, you broke up. He then popped up three weeks ago to say he wants to marry you. It does not make sense at all, why rush for marriage before you have even fully made up? It seems like he wants to silence you with a marriage or the promise of one.

 I smell a rat. I suggest you work on your relationship first and see the outcome. As for bachelor number two, the guy you met in South Africa, you seem to have your nationality as the only thing in common. He did not even ask you out, so what is going on? Marriage is a lifetime commitment, you cannot just marry a stranger for the sake of getting into a union. Dating someone who is based outside the country is very tricky. The distance and time apart is a great hindrance.

In normal circumstances, love figures itself out and when it is ripe it blossoms into marriage. Do not push it, you will regret it for the rest of your life. Maybe you feel the urge because you almost tied the knot, it was a case of being so near and yet so far. It is never too late, it is good to be patient and to wait for God’s time. The best man to marry you is the one who loves, respects and commits to you. These feelings should be mutual. I always encourage families not to exert too much pressure on their children to get married. Think and pray about this, God will give you your heart’s desire. I wish you all the best

Ready to call it quits after a month

I am writing to you with a heavy heart. I am so distraught, I am in a marriage I wish I had never gotten into. I got married on October 5. He is 38 and I am 32. In that short space of time, we have had several fights. We live outside Harare. Each time we fight, he skips town. He was married previously and got divorced in 2016. He also lost his job that year and he is still unemployed. He had a family with his ex-wife and I had a child before I met him. We do not have any children of our own yet. Ndarambwa three times already.

Recently he dumped me because he claims I am a bad driver and that is why I got into a car accident. He also wants me to pay his ex-wife’s rent because she refuses to go and stay kumusha. He actually impregnated his ex-wife again and they are expecting a third child together. He is always trying to commit suicide. The other time he climbed a tree and threatened to jump from it after we had a disagreement over one of his kids. Every time things get hard, he wants to go to Harare in the name of seeing the kids. Another problem is that he is always airing our business in public. Sending voice notes to members of my family. Apart from you, the only person I have confided in is my mother. He is an only child and both his parents are late, I do not know who to turn to. He is really not fond of tete, his cousin. Without his knowledge, I have told my own tete to visit this weekend. I am hoping she will be able to counsel us.

Response

Let us get right into it, the way you are getting in and out of marriage seems as if you do not understand how serious these unions are. It is as if you are playing that game called jump in jump out. In my view, you are rushing. This is supposed to be a lifetime commitment. I do not understand why you chose to fall for this man. It is very sad when innocent kids are involved. It seems like this guy dumped his family for your sake. Are you in a polygamous marriage? This guy seems to be enjoying the best of both worlds.

 In my view, he is still married to the woman you are calling his ex. They have another child on the way. From your communication, there is a lot of drama in your life and marriage. Too many people are involved. In short, I think if you are serious about each other you need to engage a professional counsellor. You both need help. Your husband is always threatening to commit suicide. The counsellor will also take a look at this and see how best he can be helped.

Taking one’s life does not solve anything, it actually brings a lot of problems to the family. You have a child. Remember to make decisions that do not affect that child negatively. Please take it one step at a time, life in the fast lane is very shortlived. He needs to man up and choose who he wants to be with. I would be happy to hear from you  again.

Family squabbles over renovations

Dear Amai, I am a young woman and I am staying with my partner. Handina kuroorwa ndakangobvisirwa tsvakirai kuno. I currently reside at my partner’s rural homestead. There is a lot of friction between me and a lot of the in-laws. They do not want us staying there and potentially upgrading the place because they rightfully believe we are invading my mother-in-law’s territory. Any ideas on how I can tackle this issue and keep the peace?

Response

Hello writer, it is very important to understand what lobola means in our culture. I know you mean well, your intentions are good. Tsvakirai kuno is not lobola, it is just a token that is paid to let your family know of your whereabouts. The guy has not done all the formal introductions and has not taken you to his father’s home because he knows you are not official yet. Culturally makangotiziswa. The bride price is called rusambo so without this you cannot be considered to be in a traditional marriage. I do not think it is a wise thing for you to start upgrading and renovating that place. I urge you to first encourage your future husband to go and pay his dues, then we can move a step ahead.

You have not said why you settled for eloping. In most cases, people who end up with unplanned pregnancies opt for this method. You have a lot of plans for your new home but I encourage you to hold off on all of them, including having kids, until you have done the correct things. Thank you for your big heart, already I can see that you are taking good care of amai and tete. Do not read too much into the squabbles in this home yet. I wish you all the best. You have to talk to him now, otherwise he will just sit in his comfort zone and end up thinking why buy a cow when milk is already plenty?

 

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