The Sunday Mail
AMAI, I hope I find you well. I am a 30-year-old woman, married to a husband of the same age. He has three siblings — a sister and two brothers. My in-laws stay at their rural home with Tete and her six kids. She is the eldest in the family, but the most inconsiderate. She has never been married, but acts like a baby-making machine. Six children with six different men! She is arrogant and does not take heed when people advise her against having unplanned children.
Her siblings take turns to send provisions on a monthly basis. All of us are overwhelmed because of the demands from home.
We all have our own families, although Tete has the largest. My mother-in-law is always complaining that what we send does not stretch far because of the large family.
We are all doing our best but are not appreciated. Last week, Tete sent a long Christmas grocery list and reminded us that her kids needed new clothes for the festive season. We are always having meetings; everyone says they are fed up. There is nobody who is courageous enough to bell the cat. Amai, how do we deal with such a disaster?
Response
I am very well. Your issue seems straightforward. Unfortunately, I think the family has let it go way out of hand. The responsible fathers of these children must contribute towards their upkeep. She can legally take them to court.
As for your husband and brothers-in-law, they must simply inform those back home that things are tight. There is a common misconception that those who live in urban areas have plenty of resources, compared to those in rural areas, which is not always the case.
You can hold a thousand meetings but if you keep choosing inaction as a course of action, then nothing will change. Encourage your husband to be vocal and to be frank. If not, this will go on forever. How old are these children?
Do any of them work or help around the house? Are there rural-based initiatives you can set up to generate revenue for those at the homestead? If so, then spring into action. I encourage you to live within your means and not to be afraid of telling those who are dependent on you about it.
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Mother-in-law is an undertaker
I am 26 years old and a mother of a one-year-old son. My husband is 30. We got married last year and moved to his parents’ house. I am a full-time homemaker. It is only my husband and my father-in-law who are gainfully employed. I have been reduced to my mother-in-law’s armour bearer and I am not amused.
My mother-in-law tries to attend each and every relative’s funeral as long as she can afford it. She has been nicknamed “The Undertaker” within family circles, but she is not aware of this. My problem is wherever she goes, she wants me to tag along with her. She does this so that I can carry her heavy luggage and attended to her.
At times, I feel out of place because there are very few women of my age at these functions. Deep down, I feel like spilling the beans about her nickname so that she gets angry and stops this habit. I also fear for my baby because the crowds are usually big and hygiene is compromised. I cannot continue like this.
Response
Hello writer. You seem annoyed and rightly so. It is not fun to be forced to be someone’s travel companion. You and your mother-in-law seem not to have the same interests or priorities. The nickname is cruel and excessive, especially if she attends these funerals out of the goodness of her heart.
You must not feed into it or go a step further and disclose it. If anything, dissuade people from using it.
Kindly inform your husband and mother-in-law that you have other priorities and cannot always accompany her. The health of the child must come first. This will bring about some friction, no doubt, but you need to be reasonable.
As a homemaker, most of the domestic duties and upkeep of people in the household are your responsibility. Inform your hubby that you cannot always stray away from that. Make him see it from your perspective. Also, inform him of the terrible nickname your mother-in-law has picked up and try to come up with ways of putting it to rest. Another suggestion is to encourage your hubby that you want to move out and start out on your own. A healthy bit of space between family is never entirely a bad thing.
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Wife always wants to pick a fight
I am married to my childhood sweetheart and high school classmate. We are blessed with two kids. In high school, my wife was the chairperson of the debate club. Many students knew her for stirring debate over anything just for the sake of it. I did not know that she would carry this into her marriage.
Amai, there is nothing that we agree on without her going back to her debating antiques.
I actually dread starting a discussion at home. Even when we have family meetings, she argues until everyone is quiet. She is gainfully employed. I just do not know what goes on at her workplace. She has a very close friend who is not of good moral standing.
I tried to find out what they have in common, but realised they are two different people. I summoned my courage a fortnight ago and asked why she befriended this woman. I went on to suggest that she befriend my brother’s wife, instead. Amai, I do not think even bees sting like that. She blew up and I was given a lecture on women’s rights and told never to choose a friend for her.
I apologised, but up to this day that issue is still a thorn in her flesh. I now do not know whether there were other underlying issues or not. Please, help because her character is now getting on my nerves. How do I put out the fire without causing more problems?
Response
Congratulations on your marriage and for raising your family right. I am not sure how to categorise your wife. She may be a bigot or she may just love arguing for the sake of it. Either way, she risks alienating herself from people surrounding her as she becomes more unbearable by the minute. Simply put, you need to go for counselling.
These issues must be brought to light and worked on. One does not always need to be the smartest person in the room or yearn to debate everything. Good humanity focuses on finding common ground and the best ways to resolve conflict.
If this is not addressed, it will haunt you for the rest of your life. As for her choice of friends, it is also something a professional can help you discuss.
On her questionable morals, I hope, in this case, birds of the same feather are not flocking together, otherwise we may have an even bigger issue on our hands. Tackle this issue head-on and work on saving your marriage. Even traits that have been prevalent since high school can be reformed. I wish you all the best.
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