Spouse’s closeness to secretary worrying

22 Jan, 2023 - 00:01 0 Views
Spouse’s closeness to secretary worrying

The Sunday Mail

Dear Amai, I hope I find you well. I am a married woman aged 32 and a mother of two boys. My husband and I dated for seven years before we tied the knot. We are both degreed and gainfully employed. My husband is a good father and spouse. I need help.

Maybe I am reading too much into it, but he has a strong bond with his personal secretary at work. He is always talking about her and refers to her as a model woman.

It is as if she never makes any mistakes in life. He remembers her birthday and buys her a present every year without fail.

They go to resort areas for company workshops and travel together. I once asked why she does not travel with other colleagues in the company bus and he said he does not see any problem with the secretary because they both know their boundaries.

Amai, I am now very bothered because we are frequently invited to this woman’s family functions. I tag along, but with a very heavy heart. I found out that she is a divorcee. The reason she got divorced was that she cheated on her husband. Amai, I am not settled. What do I do?


Dear writer. I am very well and thank you. One of the first things you mentioned about your husband is that he is a good spouse and father. For me, that sums it all up. I take it that means he has time for his family and time to make you happy. One of the biggest pillars of any given marriage is trust. Yes, he may be getting too familiar with his secretary here and there but you do not dig for the information; he tells you or just does it without hiding. If there was something between these two, do you think he would tell you everything? If you are not happy with what is going on, sit down as a couple and discuss this candidly or get a professional counsellor to iron out the trust issues.

Mind you, in most companies, people do not work with their spouses. It may not be easy to appreciate but this is what it is. At times, we hear about office romance but we need to have tangible proof.

There is no smoking gun. The more you mull over this, the more likely it appears. Do not stress yourself for nothing. Please, let me know the outcome after your talk and counselling. I wish you all the best.


Hubby is possessed

Dear Amai. I hope you are well. I am a 24-year-old woman and a nursing sister by profession. In October last year, my husband paid lobola for me but we are yet to solemnise our marriage in church. He is 27 years old and degreed.

I am now worried because his lifestyle has, all of a sudden, changed for the worst. It is now like that of an old man.

At times, I do not understand him because of the weird things he says and does. When we were still dating, I told my tete that I wanted to discontinue the relationship after seeing some red flags.

She told me not to break up with him. She said maybe I had a demon that was about to prevent me from getting married.

He does not want us to go to church, saying he gets possessed by an ancestor.

He works as a receptionist for a non-governmental organisation but now wants to quit so that we can go and stay at his rural home. I do not think it is good for us to quit our jobs and go home. We need to save money because we are yet to have our own family. How do I stop this? Please, help me.


Thank you so much for writing in. It is sad that you have been married for only a short time, hardly three months, and things are not looking good.

Dating is a special time when you try as much as possible to notice any red flags before you commit yourself to marriage. In your case, you saw it coming and wanted to break up. I do not understand why you married him; you should have convinced tete or waited longer to prove your point. You have many differences and preferences.

I encourage my readers to go for pre-marital counselling sessions because it helps you decide your future. I advise both of you go for counselling. It is also good to talk to family elders so that you understand where the notion of possession is coming from. I wish you all the best.


Husband has quit church

Dear Amai. Thank you for your column. I am a married woman aged 40 and my husband is 42. We are blessed with two teenage children. We used to go to one of these Pentecostal churches together as a family.

My husband was very active in church and participated in several guilds. Early this year, he announced that he was going to quit church. We all laughed it off because we thought he was joking.

He loved the church and the Word. True to his word, he has stopped and everyone, including the pastor, cannot figure out why. I tried to sweet-talk him but he said no amount of pressure could make him go back.

On Sundays, he stays home and makes lunch for us while we go to worship. I told his parents about his decision and they put the blame on me because of “what I did to him”. This was very hurtful and I am now confused. How did I contribute to this?


Dear writer, thank you so much for writing in. This made my reading quite sad. I cannot speculate either because I am wondering what really caused this sudden change.

His parents did not help either. Instead, they passed the buck and left it there. I

f I were in your shoes for now, I would not push for an answer but rather give him time to reflect. You said he participated in several guilds.

Maybe this had become very demanding or even costly. At times, it can also be quite draining.

Finally, and yet importantly, pray about it, as family. There is power in prayer.


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