The Sunday Mail
Mudzimba
Dr Rebecca Chisamba
Dear Amai, I hope I find you well. I am 26 years old and in love with a woman of the same age. She, however, has one terrible character trait: When she starts asking for something, she sounds like a broken record.
It can be very annoying. We had talked about me paying lobola for her by the end of this year. I asked her to keep this to herself since I was not a 100 percent certain about my savings. I was in and out of work because of the pandemic. To my surprise, she did the exact opposite and told everyone.
Now people are asking when the lobola function is going to be held. I am very upset about this. How can I settle for a person who cannot keep a secret? I am now faced with two things that are equally important in my life — paying lobola or buying a good second-hand car that my boss has offered me. If I do not take the chance, my boss will give the offer to someone else. I told her about this and she went mad and even her Tete tried calling me, but I ignored. She is now threatening to speak to my boss, which is very embarrassing. Amai, please advise me, what do I do? I am really cornered.
Response
Hello writer and thanks for writing in. Your girlfriend needs to stop pressurising you so much. You need to tell her candidly that it is one of the things you hate about her. You also need to work on yourself and become a man of your word. You promised you would marry her at the end of the year and now you are backpedalling.
The pandemic has been upon us for quite some time now and life is happening. Everyone is making strides to mitigate the damage it has caused. Furthermore, you claim to love this woman but you are juxtaposing marrying her and buying a second-hand car? Material possessions can be acquired at any stage in life but certain people are only available once in a lifetime.
You could miss your window entirely.
Reach out to Tete, inform her why you were not particularly pleased with how your girlfriend told everyone about your plans and how you would like to work on getting her to stop pressurising you. You then need to sit down and really consider what is more important to you, this woman or the car. Please choose sensibly and stop making storms out of teacups.
*****
What’s in a name?
I am a 29-year-old woman and my husband is 30. We get on well; so far, so good. My husband has three siblings. He is the second-born after his elder brother. He also has two sisters. When my sister-in-law gave birth to a girl, they named their child the same name as my mother-in law.
My mother-in-law was not amused and she told them point blank that they should have consulted her. My sister-in-law said it was mere coincidence and she was not naming her daughter after her, but after a schoolmate. They went ahead and registered that name. I gave birth to a baby girl three weeks ago and now Amai wants her named after her.
How do we have two kids from the same family sharing the same name? There is a lot of friction and tension among us. I do not want my child given that name either. How do we handle this? It has become so complicated.
Response
Hello troubled writer. Your issue is not as complicated as you think. Name-giving differs from culture to culture. Most people believe there are powers associated with names. Some children are named to describe a particular situation or context in that family, while others are given names with meanings that they hope the child will embody as they grow up.
Either way, it has always been the preserve of the parents to have the final say. Your mother-in-law is being difficult for no reason. Parents should be able to name their children as they please.
One would imagine she would be pleased to have a grandchild named after her even if she was not consulted prior. Just as your sister-in-law stood firm, you must also do the same and name your child as you wish. Tell your husband to try and diffuse the tension.
Perhaps rope in some relatives to get to the bottom of this. Either way, childbirth and name-giving are joyous occasions that should not be overshadowed by family politics. Cherish these times and address the elephant in the room. The more you avoid it or fear it, the more it will hang over you like a dark cloud. What are his other siblings saying about the matter? Why is baba so quiet? I see this as unnecessary drama.
*****
Family plotting against me
Makadii Amai? I am naturally a very reserved person and a loner. I do not enjoy groups and crowds, so in most cases people do not know much about me. I am married to a guy who is my opposite and this is a very big problem.
Last weekend, I bumped into a stray message where my two sister-in-laws were planning to boycott my bring-and-share function because I am a bad host. They said it was boring to hang out with me. Should I tell them about this message or not? I did not even show my husband because I do not know how he would react. I am so disappointed. Please advise me Amai.
Response
I am very well and thanks for asking. It is quite sad that people gossip about you behind your back. What is more confusing is that you “bumped” into this message. I detect an invasion of privacy. If it really was a stray message, I am sure they would have realised it by now and apologised.
I would not question your husband or relatives over this because you are also in the wrong. It would seem your evidence is not admissible. I would, however, take the silver lining from all this.
You knowingly married an extrovert and you have admitted that people find it difficult to get a read-on you because of your attitude. You can try to improve this by being more sociable towards your family. Remember, these are the people you will rely on through good and bad times.
Make an effort to open up more and do activities that everyone will enjoy. You can even take your husband’s lead and see how he does. No man is an island; you lose nothing by trying to be more sociable. Who knows? A positive aura and some effort may even result in you not just winning your family over but also gaining new friends in your community and at work. I wish you all the best.
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