The Sunday Mail
AMAI, I hope I find you well. We have been very close to our only neighbours for the past 15 years. We are all married and have children and they go to the same school.
Many people think we are related, but it is just a deep friendship.
Last week, all this came to a screeching stop. I advised my neighbour to get professional tree cutters.
He had previously shared the idea that his gardener was going to cut a few trees in his yard.
His gardener cut a tree and it fell on my side of the yard and destroyed three metres of my pre-cast wall.
The gardener was also hurt in the process. I told my neighbour that repairing the wall was on him.
He said we should meet half way because he is still paying the gardener’s medical bills as well. I do not understand where he is losing it.
I wanted this to be resolved quietly. He has really pushed me against the wall.
We have not been talking.
Please Amai, how can we do this amicably.
Response
Thanks for writing in. What happened here is a classic case of cheap fixes turning out to be very costly. He should not have insisted on doing things his way. If he is refusing to listen to reason, then you have no choice but to lawyer up and make sure he repairs the damages he caused.
It is unfortunate that your relationship will be sacrificed in the process.
I urge you to stand by your principles and do what is right even when it is the hard thing to do. I sincerely hope that with time, your relationship will be repaired.
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Mother not on guest list
for daughter’s wedding
When I married my husband 24 years ago, he had a one-year-old daughter from a failed relationship. I loved and embraced the child with all my heart.
The biological mother did not want to be bothered with the child’s affairs because she was out in the world living recklessly.
I was blessed with two children of my own, a girl and a boy.
When my kids spent holidays with my side of the family, my stepdaughter tagged along and my people loved and embraced her. She is smart and intelligent and she graduated with honours from a local university.
We are so proud of her.
Amai, she is going to tie the knot in December with her childhood sweetheart. I plan to partake in the ceremony as the mother representative because I am the one who brought her up.
We were planning to invite her biological mother and her siblings to come and grace her wedding.
She has categorically said no to this. She disdains her biological mother because she was never present in her life.
She says if we insist then she will not have a white wedding instead, they will have a private one at court. We do not know what to do.
She is very bitter about her mum and her family. Please Amai, advise us because it is also tearing our own family apart. My husband thinks the girl is justified.
Response
In this case, I think you must honour your daughter’s wishes. I commend you for doing a good job and raising her. It is her special day and it must take place without a glitch.
Unfortunately, you cannot restore a relationship overnight and make it work for the sake of a large event such as a wedding.
You can only advise her to consider making amends with her biological mother when she feels the time is right. Your husband is somewhat right; however, I do not recommend dwelling on the past or holding grudges.
An eye for an eye makes the world blind. If this lady who has led a remarkable life thus far wants to focus on the people present in her life, then I would advise that you let her. Until such a time when she is open to reconciliation. You can take the horse to the river but you cannot force it to drink.
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Hubby treating me
like a child
I am a 32-year-old woman married to my 35-year-old hubby.
We are blessed with a four-year-old son. We love each other so much but most of the time my husband forgets that I am a major too.
I do not like it when he tries to micromanage me. I know when I need help and when I need advice. He has a friend he went to school with. They are very tight and I respect that.
I do not mind going out with his friend and his wife occasionally or even hosting them at our place because they often reciprocate the favour. My hubby is now forcing me to befriend his friend’s wife.
He cannot choose a friend for me. I already have friends of my own who I have a lot in common with.
Of late, he has started ignoring my other friends because he now prefers the one he handpicked for me. It is not automatic that when the men are friends the wives must become close too.
I need help as soon as possible. I see this as a huge red flag. When he goes to his friend’s house, he forces me to join him so that we have a couple’s night. It is just not working, when I say no he takes offence.
Response
I think it is great that your hubby wants to spend time with you and his friend. However, as you rightly stated friendship is not something one can force, it must be nurtured and the chemistry has to be there. I think you are cordial with this other woman and that is okay. You may not be as close to her as compared to your other friends and that’s something you need to explain to your husband as candidly as you have done to me.
Marriage is not about picking out friends for each other. I think this issue would be best resolved by a relationship counsellor who can explain how you can be one entity but not lose your individual traits and associations because of marriage. Does he admire your other friends?
I sense he could be pushing this woman on to you because he may not view your other friends in a negative light. Oftentimes, spouses are not too warm towards their better half’s single friends as they fear they may not be a good influence which is a confusing assertion.
Both single and married friends can equally be a nuisance and full of bad ideas. Please work towards what I have instructed so your husband learns to respect your preferences. I think you are already meeting him half way as you are agreeing to go visit this other couple occasionally. I wish you all the best.
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