The Sunday Mail
I am a 28-year-old guy who is married to my 26-year-old wife. We are parents to a one-year-old daughter. I love my wife very much and for now I would say so far so good. Our daughter is the icing on the cake. My wife works for a private company and has done well for herself and for our family.
When I started dating her she had just broken up with a guy she went to university with and I know the guy pretty well. The bad news is he is the reason why I am writing to you. Fate has decided that my wife’s ex flame is going to join the top hierarchy of the organisation as one of the directors this February. Well, so I hear anyway. This means they are going to see each other and work together daily. Maihwe zvangu! What will happen if they share the same office space and facilities? Is this not going to rekindle their romance?
The guy is married and he is a father of two. Rumour has it that his marriage is on the rocks because of his wife’s infidelity. To be honest, this is eating me up and I hardly sleep well these days. I am just putting on a brave face but I am worried sick. If we were financially stable I would have pulled my wife out of her job, but we cannot do without her salary in this economy. To make matters worse it is also a travelling job so I would not know who would be travelling with whom. I love my wife and I do not want anything to come between us. Do you think it is a good idea if I warn her about my suspicions? Amai, please help I am going through hell.
Response
It is very refreshing to hear about happy marriages, especially from people your age. I really do not know what you are scared of. In my view it seems your marriage is on solid ground. You love each other, so it means you have the main ingredient. Some relationships lack that and it is disastrous. Love is about trust, respect and commitment as I always say.
This guy you are talking about broke up with your wife years before you even married her. The reason why most couples break up is because of a loss of their spark. Their love died years ago if we are to go by the truth. Are you bothered by that history? Please let sleeping dogs lie. I urge you not to bring up this issue with your wife. You heard about this guy coming to join your wife’s company through the grapevine.
What happens if he does not commit? Is the source dependable at all? Your wife married you because she loves you and she is committed to spending the rest of her life with you. Love is a job and a half. Do not lose sleep over things that have not and may never happen. Even if he joins the company, he remains just an ex-flame. Enjoy your marriage. I wish you all the best and keep me posted.
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Must I quit my marriage?
I am a young lady going through very hard times. I am 37, married and mother to two teenage children. I have been abused ever since the start of my marriage. We were married pachivanhu so as I write to you my husband has taken another wife. The worst thing is that this arrangement is just as good as being dumped. He no longer comes to my house and he does not eat what I cook anymore.
He says he does not care for me and he often says uchaenda hako wega. He has violent tendencies. I work as a vendor for the sake of my kids. He is 40 and very happy with his younger wife. My parents are saying if he does not end the marriage I should stay put. It is a very tall order. His younger brother, who is 38 years old, lost his wife three years back in a bus accident and has proposed love to me. I have secretly fallen in love with babamudiki. I think he is a good man.
We are so much in love and I am afraid that people may soon know about us. What should I do? Amai, it is not as if I am cheating on my husband. He wants nothing to do with me anymore. My children do not know that I am dating babamudiki. They think he is just a relative with a big heart. My brother-in-law was even suggesting that we make it official and get married. He has two kids as well, I would gladly look after them, especially now that they lost their mother.
Please help, I have come to you because of your frankness, I know you will tell it as it is.
Response
Thank you so much for writing in and trusting me with your story. I feel sorry for the way you have suffered under this man in the name of marriage. Abuse must never be justified in any way whatsoever, that is why I always encourage people to use the law to protect themselves because there is a provision for all forms of abuse. The fact remains that you are legally married to your husband despite the problems you are going through.
Our country recognises customary marriage and it can be polygamous depending on the husband. If he does not love you anymore, he should take the necessary steps and set you free. Love is the main ingredient in marriage so if it is no longer there then it means the union has lost its salt. I do not understand your parents, it seems they condone abuse and this is very dangerous. As long as you are not divorced, you are cheating on your hubby. Fortunately for him, customary marriage can be polygamous. You say you are secretly in love with your brother-in-law, in my view this can spell danger.
Considering your husband’s violent nature, how dare you fall for his brother? He is not the best person to date. Even if you divorce, how will you relate with your current husband? These guys are family. Please do not take your teenage kids for granted, they may be aware of what is going on. This may affect them indirectly.
You are a stakeholder in this union, you have the right to divorce him instead of waiting for him to take the initiative. Please get started with the process because you are playing with fire. Take note of the adage that says “royera kure vomumuzinda vagokureverera”.
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My fiancé is 39 years older than me
I am a young lady aged 21. I work as a secretary in Harare. I come from a harsh background economically, but now things are stabilising because I found a boyfriend who is assisting me.
He wants us to tie the knot as soon as possible but there are a few hiccups within our families. My fiancé is 60 and has been married before. He has two adult children who are married and their ages are 36 and 38 respectively. The daughter hates me but I am not the reason her mother was divorced. The son told his father that he does not want to be involved in our affairs at all. My parents also say they are worried about our age difference although the ball is in my court.
We love each other and I feel at home when I am in his presence. We have never quarrelled. His life is stable and well sorted and I think I will fit in well. I am tired of people’s comments. Whenever I am with him people assume that I am his daughter. Amai, I am head over heels in love with this guy. I have never loved anyone the way I love him. Would it be wrong if I married him? My parents are talking about his age. What has age got to do with it?
Response
Big fan thank you for reading my column. I can feel the love all the way from here. Your parents have given you the green light to marry him as long you are okay with your decision. Their worry is about the age difference. As parents they look into the distant future as well. I really do not know what they have in mind. As people get older, chances of succumbing to chronic diseases and health threats are many and as a spouse you have a duty to see that all is taken care of.
There are so many ifs, nobody really knows the future. Some say age is just a number and they are many theories around this. Some say life begins at 40 but by the time you are this age your husband will be a very old man and may be even retiring from public life. We are talking about love, it comes from the heart and it is a game of emotions and you remain the judge and the jury.
What I would urge you to do if you can, please mend your relationship with his children before you get married. You may never know when you need them. Your boyfriend can help you reach out to his children. Be true to yourself and give yourself honest answers before you commit. Is it about love or provisions? Are you prepared to spend your whole life with this guy? Are you going to constantly ignore the people’s assumptions you mentioned before? Do not be in a hurry, think about it seriously and see if you can come up with some positive answers. I would be happy to hear from you again. When it comes to love, it’s only you who can decide.
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