My pastor father has ruined me

I AM a 30-year-old man and my wife is aged 27. We are blessed with one son. I am a pastor’s son, who was born and bred in church, though my experience at home was different from most people.

My father used to brutally beat up my mother whenever he thought she crossed his path.

He was mean to us, his three children, but in church, he would pretend we were a model family. My mother suffered alone in fear of exposing the respected pastor.

After I got married, I moved out and quit the church because to me, it was all pretence. However, I now miss the church. I cannot join another one because my mother will be blamed for that decision. Any action deemed wrong will be blamed on her. I love my wife and I feel I am being unfair to her because she also has stopped going to church. But given a choice, she would love to attend church. I am confused. What should I do?

Response

Hello writer and thank you for reaching out to me. Your father appears to be a wolf in sheep’s clothing. It is disheartening to hear of a pastor beating up his own wife and then afterwards going on to counsel other families. What a hypocrite!

I do not understand why your mum has remained quiet in the face of such abuse. The ripple effects are now affecting your own young family. Your mother can easily fall into depression or suffer from other abuse-related ailments.

I empathise with you; quitting the church must have hurt you a lot as it was like your second home. This has also adversely affected your spirituality.

However, since you are a major and head of your own family, I think you should grab the bull by the horns. I suggest you tell your father that you would want to talk to him as your pastor and not as your biological father.

Have a candid talk in the presence of your mum and both your siblings. Pour out and let him advise you on which course of action to take to remedy your family situation. At your age, you should be able to decide what is best for your family as far as spirituality is concerned. I wish you all the best.

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The heart wants what it wants

Dear Amai, I hope I find you well. I am a 26-year-old woman studying at a university outside Zimbabwe, but within Africa. I met a guy of the same nationality as me there and we have been dating for the past two years.

When we came back home during our break, I introduced him to my family at a gathering. We were both shocked to find out that we are related through our father’s bloodline.

His dad confirmed this, too, and gave almost the same explanation. My father announced point blank that he would never accept lobola from one of his relatives.

We are back at college, but still finding it very hard to break up. Amai, I think, as youngsters, we need help. The decision we made is, if push comes to shove, we would disown our families, get married as majors, just live our lives and forget about everyone else.

Response

I am very well and thanks for inquiring. I am sorry about your predicament. It was fortunate that you discovered that you are related before you had any children or committed to marriage. I do not think it is a good idea to go against your parents because one day you will need them.

Remember, most bad choices will come back to haunt you. The two heads of your families agreed that you must not get married.

I suggest you go for professional counselling. You have to accept that what happened was unfortunate and break up. I know it will take some time because you are at the same campus. Marriage is an institute that requires family blessings, otherwise you will be building on shifting sand. I would be happy to hear of your progress.

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My friend is too clingy

Dear Amai, how are you? I am a big fan and I follow your work religiously. I went to an inter-denominational women’s conference for a week. We were blessed and there I bumped into a sister who shares the same totem as mine and we clicked. As if that was not enough, we also discovered that we stay in the same neighbourhood.

I now regret having accepted this woman as my sister. I am tired of her. She comes to my house whenever she feels like, regardless of the hour. When she visits, she really feels at home; she makes coffee or feasts on my kid’s leftovers.

I am gainfully employed and she is a full-time housewife, so our time management is different. In the six months that we have known each other, I passed through her house once, when she was not feeling well. I do not have much in common with her.

I really do not know how to shake her off without rubbing her the wrong way since she is more of a church friend than anything else. Amai, please help.

Response

Greetings dear big fan. I am well and thank you for asking. It seems you cannot have your cake and eat it. In principle, culturally, you are sisters if you share the same totem.

Maybe that is why she feels comfortable with you in your home. In my view, telling someone the truth is the most direct way of solving problems.

Address her during one of her visits. Tell her to limit some of her random visits because at times you bring work from the office or you just want to rest after a long day’s work. You also can schedule your visits in turns. Try to alternate between your home and hers as well. Try this and see how it goes. I would be happy to hear from you again.

 Feedback: beckychisamba@ gmail.com; 0771415474.