The Sunday Mail
Kunyara kunokunda kufa
MAI CHISAMBA, thank you so much for this platform. A lot of people are going through hardships and the truth is we relate with most of the issues that come out in your column.
Towards the end of September this year, some of my husband’s shirts and a few other things went missing. The suspect was the maid because she is the only stranger who has access to our closet and the whole house.
Our two teenage children denied any knowledge of this. We gave the maid two options – either to pay for the missing things or take her to the police. She broke down and pleaded with us that paying was a better option even though she is innocent.
Being a maid, the only payment plan was to let her go for three months without pay. My husband felt sorry for her and suggested we fire her and forget about it. I was so angry I wanted to teach her a lesson. I said she should pay vana sisi vanojaira kufamba vachiba.
We did not pay her for October and November and she wrote me a letter saying she never stole the items but would never go away before her innocence was proven. In the first week of December we went to my husband’s rural home for a wedding.
We got the shock of our lives when we found babamudiki, my hubby’s younger brother akapfeka one of the shirts. To cut a long story short, my mother-in-law took these things when she passed through our home in September, kuba chaiko. She said she took the shirts because takaomera and there was nothing wrong about what she did because they were both her sons and that I should keep out of this.
We have punished sisi unnecessarily, should we tell her the truth? How do we pay her for the two months? What do we do with amai? Kunyara kunokunda kufa. Please help.
Response
Thank you for writing in, I think the column is helpful indeed because people can now confess the truth and seek advice instead of partaking in the usual blame game. I understand your anger. You felt let down by sisi who you had entrusted with your family home. But even in anger we should try and reason as adults, you suspected the maid was the culprit but the measures you took were very drastic. You spoke about a payment plan but you did not put one in place.
If you wanted to be fair the maid should at least have had a say about the plan. Taking everything from a maid for three consecutive months is inhuman, as a fellow woman you did not even care whether she had money left to buy basic provisions needed in every woman’s life. In your case it was actually your husband who felt sorry for sisi and wanted to set her free, vasikana ngatisadarano.
The fact that she wanted to continue working should have shown you that she was desperate. When things go missing the first people to call should be the police.
Had you done that, they could have investigated the matter and even questioned the visitors who came to your home around that time. It is unfortunate the maid made it look suspicious by refusing to go to the police, vana sisi vanorarama hupenyu hwakaoma akangotya.
Even if she saw gogo taking these things I do not think she would say, maybe she was threatened who knows. My advice is please do the noble thing, tell sisi the whole truth and apologise. Please give what belongs to her in full, you can even advance the December pay. Saka manga mave kumutorerawo nekamari ke Christmas kese since three months dzanga dzichipera after?
You may lose this maid if you do not handle this well because once there is a question of mistrust you are bound to have problems. For amai please have a small indaba in the company of her brother or sister, kuba kwakashata.
Just imagine if you had engaged the police, this was going to be very embarrassing. People should always ask, it is wrong to just assume that when you are the mother you can do whatever, imba yemuroora inoremekedzwa. I said you should include amai’s siblings in your talks so that she does not twist the facts or say ndakatukwa. Last but not least I just want to say mukugumbuka nemukutadzirwa ngatisarase hunhu hwedu. I wish you all the best.
Should I act now?
Mai Chisamba, I hope I find you well.
I am a single mother of one and have a very close male friend who lost his wife three months ago. This couple had three kids and it is very sad that they are going to grow up without a mum. Since this woman died, I have dreamt several times ndichitamba nevana vake iye achisekerera.
I know I can take good care of her children but how do I tell my friend that? I love him so much and would want to be his life partner. I suspect he is not making a move because he does not know how I would react to this. Please help before it is too late.
Response
I am very well thank you for asking. Death is a very painful experience no matter who passes on. We are talking of a guy who recently lost his beloved wife, the mother of his three beautiful kids, he is at his lowest. So much is going on he has to figure out how he is going to carry on without his better half, imi matove kumberi mberi. When did you start having feelings for this guy?
Do you ever feel sorry for him or you want to take advantage of the void that has been left by the death of his wife? Culturally this mourning period should go on for a period of twelve months but even then it is still not easy. Why not give him time to grieve? Of late you have been dreaming about being his wife maybe that is what has been on your mind. My advice is please do not push it, this is not the time it may send wrong messages. If you want to help console this family you can still do that in your capacity as a close friend, you do not need to be his wife to assist. Mugoti unopihwa anyerere, dzikamai henyu who knows he may surprise you. Lastly, please do not bank too much on dreams because they are difficult to interpret. I would want to hear from you maybe six months down the line or so but for now let us respect this family they still have tears on their cheeks.
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Am I cursed?
I hope I find you well Mai Chisamba.
Thank you very much for the splendid job you are doing. I always make sure that I buy The Sunday Mail just to read your column. I have a big problem on my hands. I am 30 and my wife is 26 and we have a healthy 2-year-old son. We have been together since 2013. I was previously married to another woman and we divorced in 2009 after she cheated on me.
Anyway I was out ne basa and I came back unexpectedly. I arrived around midnight. I knocked on the window and I saw her grab her phone and log onto WhatsApp as if she wanted to delete something she did not want me to see. I asked her why she was doing that instead of opening the door for me and she said I was being suspicious of her for no reason. But I smelt a rat.
So the next time I tried to talk to her about the issue she started to insult me with some words I cannot repeat. Then I told her that I called the service provider to request for a WhatsApp printout since her line is registered in my name. That’s when she confessed kuti on that night aitaura zvinyadzi na half-brother wangu.
I asked her why she lied to me and why she insulted me when she knew what she had done. She said nothing else has happened between them. Honestly, Mai Chisamba, I do not believe it because that is exactly what happened in my previous marriage. What can I do to fix this? I am considering sending her to her parents while I clear my head. Help me, Mai Chisamba, because now I do not know if I am cursed or not.
Response
Thank you so much for reading my column. My heart breaks when I look at your ages, 30 and 26, so young and you are already in a rocky second marriage. I wonder why people ever get married if they still want to enjoy the single life. I always say when you write to this column give me enough information so that I can give a balanced response.
You told me about these two cheating ladies but you did not tell me about yourself. I am keen to know what type of guy you are. From the look of things I think une kachiramwa and you are a bit impatient. I agree both ladies let you down but cheating has very serious repercussions on any marriage. I know you are angry but I want you to handle this as a father and as an adult. I want you to think of your child and the fact that this is your second marriage. Do you have any children from your previous marriage? Most spouses have gotten into the habit of abusing social media and one fine example is your wife. Anotaura zvinonyadzisira nemuramu kuti zvigodini? They are both backstabbers and way out of line. As husband and wife you must learn to talk things over without insulting each other.
Another problem you seem to be having is that you are comparing your spouse to your ex wife. Please treat them as separate individuals even though there are similarities in their behaviour. You have contacted the service provider so that you can access the chats then why must you send her away before you know exactly zvaitaurwa?
Ko zvikauya zvisirizvo unenge usina kufumura mhuri yako here? Do you ever spend any quality time with your spouse? Did you marry the second wife out of love or you wanted to prove to your ex that you could do it within a short space of time? Munoudzana here kuti munodanana? People who spend a lot of time on WhatsApp at the expense of their spouses are either lonely or have nothing better to do in their lives.
You are not cursed, this can be sorted out if you give it your all. I suggest you both talk to a professional counsellor who will resolve this issue bit by bit. I think you need to talk about your fears and suspicions. Your marriage is bigger than WhatsApp do not let this tear you apart. Asi mudzimai wako ngaazvibatewo kwete kungopeperetswa nezvinopfuura seWhatsApp. Keep well.
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