The Sunday Mail
Wedding gifts tearing us apart
I married a woman aged 24 and I am 25. We started fighting on our honeymoon.
My wife complained bitterly about how poor my people were and the gifts they gave at our wedding.
Her people brought more but to me what was important was I had married the love of my life. My parents had gone an extra mile, they gave us a lounge suite and a deep freezer. My parents had to part with two mombe dzavo to assist with the wedding.
My wife wanted a Hollywood-style wedding and we paid dearly for most of the things. People danced and ululated when my parents brought their gifts ipapo my wife spoke into my ear and said “nhai vakanovezesa kupiko zvisofa izvi?”
I was hurt but I controlled myself. On my honeymoon night I reminded her that the gifts should not tear us apart. She bragged about her parents and her background. Her parents had given us the five-star honeymoon hotel voucher and many more.
I could see that we had started on a wrong note. We have been married for 18 months but I do not think I can take it any longer.
She is so artificial and complains about almost everyone and everything. In her mind kuri right chete kumba kwavo. She is three months pregnant.
Mai Chisamba, do you think such a person can ever change because hupenyu hunongotenderera paari iye chete? I want a happy life. We both work. I have an executive job and she is a receptionist but she forgets this when it comes to budgeting. She loves zve competition all the time. I regret marrying this woman. Please assist.
Response
It makes me sad to read such a letter. You have been married for only 18 months and you cannot take it any longer – oh! God forbid. How on Earth can you start fighting on your honeymoon night? This was supposed to be one of the most memorable days of your marriage. Did you think the honeymoon night was for taking account of your wedding gifts? Nhai maiwe kani!
When you are given something always remember that the thought behind the gift is greater than the actual gift.
Your wife should learn to appreciate other people. In your case your parents sacrificed their cows just to make the wedding a success. They did it out of love. It is wrong for couples to compare their backgrounds, life is not about that. I wonder why people with such attitudes marry.
The fact that one gets married shows that you have decided to build your own home with your spouse, zvekumba kwenyu zvasara.
I can see that you did not take enough time to know your woman during the courtship phase of your relationship.
Now we have to map a way forward. I suggest you engage a professional counsellor who will work with you as a couple. Baby is already on the way so you have to make sure the environment is conducive for the upbringing of a child.
The counsellor will also help your wife to find her true self not the artificial outward person you are talking about.
You should start operating as one entity and seeing people from both your families as part of one big family. Wedding gifts are for both of you because muwanano hapana ane chake ega.
You should be geared to work for your life. Yes, your wife has a chance of changing and becoming less superficial if you go through professional counselling but she also needs to make an effort. You too should stop regretting about what happened and look at the bright side of life.
In marriage the executive boss and receptionist are reduced to one component – muri nyama imwe. Kakushamisira kamwe chiratidzo chehudofo nehubharanzi zvinoda polishing up.
Embrace each other and work on your marriage and make it a success. Respect your families. Pray for your family. There is immense power in prayer. I wish you all the best.
I have stingy siblings
I am happily married the issue I want to talk about ndeya mai vangu.
In our family we are four, two females and two varume. God has been good; we are all well off. My brothers and their wives do not do anything for our parents.
It is us the sisters and our husbands who make sure the parents have their medication and food. We meet all their needs. I am not complaining because I do it with love and it comes from the bottom of the heart. I know for sure that my brothers look after their in-laws, why can they not do the same for their parents? When they go home vachiona everything in order vanoti zvinoitwa nani? I am not even asking for contributions all I want to know is how can I knock some sense into their heads?
I spoke to my mother about it and she vowed that she would never beg from her children she would rather die. What worried me most is when we had this discussion her eyes filled with tears. Our parents worked hard and provided us with a good life, good education kana hunhu tingatadze hedu asi vakatidzisisa sezvazviri. Should I speak to my brothers and their families? Varoora vanouya vachifora pasina chavakabata I am hurt.
Response
Makorokoto to your parents for bringing up all their children in such an environment.
Thank you so much for your testimony. Yes, your parents taught you good life lessons but I think both your brothers missed or forgot the lesson on appreciation.
I agree with your mother. Demanding from your children is one of the worst things normal parents can do. Vana should cater for their needs sekugona kwavo.
Your brothers should not sit back and say vanazvo. I will speak as a fellow parent it is wonderful to get something from your children no matter how small for it is the thought that counts rather than the magnitude of the gift.
You should not look a gift horse in the mouth, anogona kupa mota ngaape, anogona kana kupa mutsvairo wepanze ngaape, asina ngaape hushandiri, rudo kana mazano. My advice is talk to your brothers and find out why maybe they have a reason.
Encourage them to help out.
If they are already doing that for their in-laws why can they not do the same for their parents? I agree that help comes from the heart so do not be in the habit of always calling for contributions. Kanzatu kanongodikanwa when it is very necessary, for now do what you can. I think your mother was teary when you brought this up because she loves you all the same and vanofunga kuti dai pasina vana vasikana pamwe vaitambura.
There is an adage that says “kupa kuturika” so even your sisters-in-law should take a leaf from that. I believe in communication, discuss as siblings and map a way forward when one gets married it means you have two families.
It is selfish to just assist the family you come from because this may soil your relationship with your spouse in the long run. Last but not least the truth is hapana asina chokupa it is just one’s attitude. I wish you all the best.
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Insulted for buying birthday present
How are you Amai? I love your column and it is the reason why I buy The Sunday Mail.
Please help. I do not know whether I am wrong or not. I am a 32-year-old married civil servant and my wife is also a civil servant and currently she is furthering her education so she comes home weekends. My problem is that I do not think my wife is appreciative of the things I do.
January 29 was her birthday and I bought her a dress and a necklace, which all added up to US$40.
When she came home we had our supper and after that I thought it was the right time to show her the present but to my surprise instead of thanking me she started asking how much I had bought the dress for?
She said it was too expensive and that I should return it. I tried to tell her that she should accept the dress since I had bought it for her as a present but she declined.
So handizivi. Did I make a mistake in trying to surprise my wife with a dress? She does not appreciate what I do for her but in most cases she ends up regretting her actions. I have decided not to ever buy her anything in future because it pains me kupopoterwa iwe uchiti wagona. Please help ndodii nemunhu asingatendi?
Response
Thank you so much for reading my column. Thank you for remembering your wife’s birthday you are a great guy.
So many people complain about their spouses either ignoring or forgetting days that matter in their lives. I do not understand your wife’s attitude after such a beautiful surprise. In my view that was very thoughtful and very romantic.
You need to enrol your wife for a grooming etiquette class. It is very unbecoming of a lady to ask the price of a birthday present.
I do not think US$40 for a necklace and dress is too expensive but even if that had been the case it was a lovely gift from a spouse.
I am sorry about how she treated you after you had budgeted and bought her what you thought was perfect for her. My advice to people is to never mix issues. Zvimwe mai vaitofunga kuti dai watenga hupfu or something else vakataura, January disease takes a toll on so many people but you had beaten that.
The worst thing that happened was for her to take back the dress and the necklace, kupopota was uncalled for. Please reverse your decision of not ever buying her anything else again she is still your wife vanoda kupiwa rujeko. Calm down first and discuss this you do not even need a third party. Kupopota hakusi kukurukura kungohukura chete.
If she thought the dress was too expensive after taking it back she should have looked for a cheaper one to replace the gift some people are born cheapskates. You definitely need to talk about this since it is now her habit and these things die hard so you need to act now. Some people will never know what they have until it is gone for good. I would want to hear from you again. I wish you all the best.
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