Mudzimba with Mai Chisamba: Stuck in the mud

25 Oct, 2015 - 00:10 0 Views
Mudzimba with Mai Chisamba: Stuck in the mud MUDZIMBA with Mai Chisamba

The Sunday Mail

Stuck in the mud

THANK you so much Mai Chisamba for letting us write to you.
I am 26 years old. A few years ago I was at college and when I came home for the holidays there was a new maid. I used to watch movies in my room and this sisi would come to join me.

Dr Rebecca Chisamba

Dr Rebecca Chisamba

Seven months down the line she was carrying my baby. Family and friends were disappointed; even the girl I was dating broke up with me. I never loved this girl handina kana kumupfimba, it was sex for convenience.
Now I’m stuck with this woman who doesn’t know how to dress, cook and is uneducated. I wasted my money trying to educate her. I tried to force myself to love her, but the truth is I just can’t love her and I don’t think it will ever work.
I now work far away from home so I only visit my family when I am off duty. Also kubasa I’m now staying with a girlfriend I love so much. So my question is should I send my wife packing because I don’t want to have two wives, after all I don’t love her. Please help; it seems as if I’m stuck in the mud.
Response
Thank you so much for reading my column and for writing in. First and foremost let me tell you that what goes around comes around. An enlightened guy from college taking advantage of an innocent and uneducated maid.
It seems you have no kind words for this girl but do you realise that for so many times you brought yourself to her level muchiita bonde. You never proposed to her, you never loved her but why did you bed this girl? Sex for convenience, what’s that?
No wonder why we have so many children on our streets and so many sexual diseases. Isu tinotofunga kuti imi makadzidza ndimi muchaunza chiedza munyika -what a contradiction. You sound as if you don’t have a conscience. Why do you create families that you can’t take responsibility for?
Marriage comes with responsibilities. It’s not just about sex, it’s a lifelong companionship and it should be taken seriously. In life we are supposed to learn from our mistakes but to my surprise this did not happen to you. You are at it again kubika mapoto with the new girlfriend.
I don’t know whether she is expecting or not because you did not say. For how long are you going to disappoint your family and friends?
To be very honest, I don’t understand where the superiority you are showing now is coming from.
According to your letter you are stuck with a good for nothing woman? What’s your take on this adage “birds of the same feathers flock together” (food for thought).
Sarudzo yako yeupenyu ndiyo inoratidza zvauri. My personal opinion is it’s not a good thing to play with other people’s emotions. Time is money, do not let other people build castles in the air for nothing.
Cheating on your spouse is one of the worst things a person can do. Decide what you want and stand by that.
Marriage is about love so if there is no love at all why don’t you set this woman free instead of letting her
go through life as a second class citizen or an inferior species.
I hope you know that you are duty bound to pay for child support and its best done through the courts. I suggest you rope in a professional counsellor who will help because it is not as easy as saying take your bag and go. Lastly you need to take one step at a time, fast track is very short lived.

Why should I fight for my own son?

Mai Chisamba thank you for The Sunday Mail platform. I am a married woman blessed with a child. We stay with my in-laws but I’m finding the going tough.
My mother-in-law behaves as if I don’t exist. Whatever she wants done she plans with my husband even if it involves me.
I recently got employed away from home since I am a professional in my own right. And now I visit my family fortnightly and on month-ends only. The problem is takarwira mwana wangu navamwene.
I told my husband that I would want to stay with our son because he is only two and half years old, iniwo I am very lonely. Mai Chisamba my husband and mother-in-law did not take this well.
I went ahead and took the child. Now they all want the child back. My hubby is not even talking to me. I have been given an ultimatum to either bring back the child or else . . . I don’t understand this, I am the mother of this child asi vamwene vari kutopenga kunge mwana wavo.
I think she is using this to settle old scores. Life is tough, staying with a mother-in-law you don’t get on well with is the worst thing that can ever happen in someone’s life. I don’t know what to do. I love my husband but he is so henpecked namai vake, please advise.
Response
Thank you so much for reading my column. Each week I receive hundreds of letters from Zimbabwe and outside the country. The sad thing is 70 percent of these letters are from disgruntled mothers and daughters in-law.
Their fights rage on like veld fires, most of them are always at each other’s throats for very petty issues. When you get into some of their homes you see plaques written – “Musha Mukadzi” and you would wonder if they understand the meaning of the messages on these things.
How can this be then? I always say to parents it’s good to let go as soon as your sons and daughters start their own families. Give them space to fend for themselves. It may seem economically good to all stay under one roof but it’s not healthy for marriages.
In your case I think your husband is not thinking straight and is overreacting. He is the man in the middle, he should just let you look after your child. Raising your children and instilling values is every parent’s dream.
Mbuya vakakudza vana vavo kare she enjoyed each and every step in their growth now it’s time to pass the baton and let the next mom do likewise. Your hubby and mother-in-law are brewing a storm from a tea cup. Honestly there is nothing to fight about here. Amai should be the bigger person, she should be actually proud of you for taking responsibility.
Vanodirei kuti mwana akure senherera inochengetwa nambuya amai vari vapenyu. Ikodzero yemwana kugara nemubereki.
Why is your husband not talking to you? Why is he taking offence? It’s not like you are taking the child out of the universe, they will see him every fortnight and every month end when you visit.
This is the time you should be enjoying each other and your marriage, don’t soil it with unnecessary fights. My advice is rope in vana sekuru and your mother-in-law’s sisters and discuss this as adults.
Kurudzi kwambuya kana kune dzimwe nherera kana vanotambura ngavatore ikoko kana vane shungu dzekuchengeta. Lastly the best for you as a couple is to look for alternative accommodation, rumukai. Always remember to pray for your families. I wish you all the best.
***

A woman is a woman despite her age

Mai Chisamba thank you so much for your platform, we enjoy and also learn from it.
I hope you will understand my concern as a fellow mother. I have a 26-year-old son, educated and civilised but I don’t understand what has become of all these values. He is madly in love with a 47-year-old mother and he wants to marry this woman, chembere iyoyi Mai Chisamba. As family we have tried to discourage him but he won’t take heed. As a mother I cry myself to sleep most of the time. We went to see this woman, all she said was talk to your son ini ndiri kutodiwawo hangu, handina kuponda munhu. Our son was so respectful asati asangana nembuya iyi.
Could this woman be using juju? Please help, we are so confused, his brothers wanted to go and beat this woman up iye akati angatofa because that woman is his soulmate and the love of his life.
His father said we would disown him if he married this old woman. Akupenga mwana uyu mufunge, he said, “munhu anozvarwa kamwe chete saka penyu neni makatopedza”, he is not deterred by any threats. This woman is well off and my son drives her around sababa, they even go to this woman’s church.
Don’t you think the church is lost kunyararira zvakadai. What does the law say? How can we rescue our son from this chembere?
Response
Thank you for reading my column and for writing in. Yes as a mother I hear and feel your concern about what’s going on. We are people with a culture but I don’t want us to mix the law of the land netsika nemagariro, at times the difference between the two is like cheese and chalk.
This week alone I received several letters from parents going through the same problem as yours. I picked your letter because it’s a bit extreme.
Things are changing by the day. It was not common in our culture for older women to date younger men. I don’t know whether it’s genuine love or not. Older women now even brag about having a pain killer or a Ben 10 vachireva kamurume kechidiki.
In our culture it’s very common for older men to marry younger women and it’s acceptable. These days there is a saying yekuti “game rachinja, shiri yabvuta rekeni”, maybe that’s why we have so many unusual things going on. The other thing we should bear in mind is that the world now is like a global village, there are so many inter-marriages and technology plays a part too.
As a result people tend to pick things from other cultures. First let’s look at this issue pachivanhu chedu, 47 versus 26, the common problem is madzimai anokura kupfuura varume, before long your son may be attracted to girls or women of his age.
The other problem is your son will be expected to play a fatherly role to this woman’s children and yet some of them are his age mates’, zvinonetsa. The woman is well off, this could be another attraction but we are just speculating.
Culturally families and friends have a say in our marriages but here you are already talking of disowning him, this is not a good sign. You asked about juju, I don’t want to dwell on that, I personally don’t believe in muti because there is no scientific evidence yekushanda kwazvo or not.
The law of the land allows anyone who is 18 or above to make their own choice. In this case they are all majors and can take care of their affairs. Your hands are tied as far as the law is concerned. I advise your other sons not to beat-up this woman.
They will be arrested for violence and for taking the law into their hands. I also don’t see how the church can intervene here, ava vanhu vari kubvumirana vakura. I just want to remind this woman that kuzvara kwemumwe kuzvara kwakowo, mangwana ndinhasi.
Lastly the only way to rescue your son is not to fight him but to make him see sense for example, that marriage is not about driving cars, it comes with responsibilities.
If he is genuinely in love achiziva zvazvinoreva then let it be, gashirai. Pray about this sincerely. God who knows what’s best for each one of us will do the best. Please keep me posted.

Write to [email protected] or Whatsapp 0771415747.

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