The Sunday Mail
Spoilt for choice, ndoroora upi?
Thank you Mai Chisamba for this platform.
I am a young guy aged 35 and currently dating two beautiful women. For your benefit let me call them lady A and lady B. I dated lady A from 2010 and broke up with her after two years. In 2013, I started dating lady B and all was well until she got a job in South Africa beginning of this year. After she had gone lady A came back into the picture and we rekindled our relationship.
I love them both and each one is so serious zvekuda kuroorwa. At 35 I feel I am ready for marriage but my problem is how to pick the correct woman, each one is unique in their own way. As I try to vet the two, the mother of lady B is very forward, she wants to control me.
I was hurt when she came to my house uninvited to talk to me, unfortunately I was not at home but she looked for me. She really dressed me down, falsely claiming that her daughter was sending me some money from South Africa.
I am only a boyfriend to her daughter but she wants me to help her financially zvinoita here izvozvo? Even her daughter says she is ashamed of her mother’s behaviour. I foresee future problems if I marry her daughter. Lady A goes mad each time things are not done her way, that is her weakness. I want a good future, a good wife. Please help me pick the correct woman.
Response
Thank you for writing in. Why are you dating two beautiful women? You refer to these women as if you are talking about some fruits in a tree. You do not know which fruit to pick.
For goodness sake, these are real people with real emotions, why do you not have respect for them? If you take your pick what happens to the other?
Please be considerate. For your information these love triangles are very dirty and tricky. Can you imagine if each one of you is dating two or more people how many are you in all? Usafunge kuti ndiwe chete unogona kuvatamba vasikana ava pamwe mese muri kutambana, which is very unfortunate.
To say the least, the mother of lady B is a disgrace, her behaviour is both shameful and unAfrican. She wants you to help financially, why?
What is the common denominator between the two of you as of now? No wonder why her daughter is ashamed of her.
Dating two is selfish and cruel, would you want to be referred to as suitor A or B? In my opinion I do not think you are ready for marriage hence the confusion. Decide on what you want and stick to it.
True love is nurtured like a plant in a garden, one heart one love. From your letter I can see that you want one wife not barika that is why you are talking about the correct pick.
Every human being has some form of weakness but when you are in true and genuine love this can be worked on muchibatsirana.
Listen to your heart and choose one of the two. I know the other will be heartbroken but it is better than kuzonzwa kuti wakaroora.
I am not going to choose a woman for you because it is best done by the beholder as it comes with love and emotions. I also want you to think seriously about long distant relationships for they have their challenges too.
Cheating on your partner is one of the worst things one can do, it can easily become a lifelong habit yekungojaira.
Lastly respect other people, do not be a selfish lover, remember what is good for the goose is also good for the gender.
I can’t take the complaints anymore
MAI CHISAMBA, I enjoy your column in The Sunday Mail.
I hope I find you well. Mine may seem like a very small problem but it bothers me so much. This problem shows its ugly head during the festive season more when it comes to the distribution of food stuffs and other presents to our parents.
I married my husband a year after I graduated from university. My mother was not very amused because she said waroorwa usati wambodzorawo mari now you are going to benefit your husband’s people.
For Christmas groceries, we give to our parents the same items and fairly but my mother still says mwanasikana akasaziva mai vake chachaya because varoora vanosvinurira zvekwavo. I love my mum, I just do not know how to please her.
A few weeks ago I took a day off and spent the day running around with my mother-in-law because she was not feeling well. Her doctor had prescribed specimens. This too did not go down well with my mum, she complained about me giving amwene more attention than her. My husband comes from a very humble family they never demand anything from us, we give willingly. I do a lot of extras for my mum but I still cannot win her heart, my hubby does likewise. Please assist.
Response
Thank you for writing in. I am well thank you for asking. It is very sad when parents see their children as money bags. Children are God-given and as parents we are duty bound to bring them up in the best possible way. It is very mean to take offense and say wakaroorwa usati wadzora mari.
How do you pay back? No one can put a dollar sign on what parents go through, to just bring up a child is a lot. Doing the best for your child is because you love them and you want them to fend for themselves in future.
Parents should not look the gift horse in the mouth. Your mum’s problem is she cannot let go hence the clash, you are now a married woman running your own affairs. Your mum should be proud of the woman you have become instead of being jealous.
You started well and you are already showing signs of maturity and responsibility, culturally most of this credit goes back to your parents, especially your mother saka vari kurasika papi. My advice is do not read too much into what amai is doing, continue to do good to both your families.
Be sincere in whatever you do, life is not about competition, it is about doing what you can to the best of your ability.
Feel free hauna chikwereti nemhuri yekwako so whenever you assist do it from the heart, it is very important. Your mother is greedy kukara chaiko vachagadzikana with time.
Remember to always pray for both your families. Vana mai vose vakakosha that is why they have responsible children like you and your hubby. When you do good, you do it for your God so be of good cheer. Please keep me posted.
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Irritable, grumpy mother
Mai Chisamba, I hope you are fine.
I am man aged 25 and have three siblings – two sisters and a brother who are aged 23, 21 and 19. We have a wonderful father – very loving and caring. I write this letter on behalf of my siblings. Our biological mother is a very difficult woman. When we were young we wondered why our mother was not popular with my father’s family and her family.
We feel sorry for our dad, no one can be so tolerant, he is treated like one of the kids. In short, amai vedu vanotyisa, havaite. I am getting married in December this year but I am worried of what will become of baba and the rest of the family after I am gone.
From our family I am the only one who can intervene when she starts her temper tantrums. I am even ashamed to let my would-be wife visit us frequently. The only time my mother acts normally is at church or when she is among other congregants. We do not understand how our father fell for amai because they are two different people, they are opposites.
All my life I prayed for a good wife, a wife different from my mother. I feel we need to do something so that baba will be comfortable. Some relatives were saying vanoda kufambirwa, some said she needs deliverance from a prophet, some even said something that scared us kuti pamwe ishavi reuroyi rinoda kugamuchirwa culturally.
Mai Chisamba, what do you think? How can we best help before it’s too late? Very soon I will be having a family of my own and I cannot imagine sending my children to such a gogo.
Response
Thank you for writing in. I have responded to similar problems on this column before but I believe each problem is worth looking into. She must be a real pain because it is not very common for one’s children to team up and write such a letter.
I feel sorry for you because amai should be the easiest person to relate to in each family as in most cases she is the one who spends more time with the children.
You say your mother is unpopular with both her family and your father’s family. Let us look at her background first because this may have something to do with her upbringing. This usually is a result of spoilt children vanokura vachipembedzwa nhando kuti ane hasha, ane chiramwa, anotuka.
Parents should try as much as possible to instil proper values in their children when they are young.
The other observation is if people like your mum were well up, very few would dare tell them off even if they were wrong. At times I blame the relatives and friends because instead of helping they tend to accept the person as she is kuti ndizvo zvaari. It is good to be tolerant but I think your father should put his foot down and say no to nonsense.
Why should he subject his life to be a miserable marriage instead of working on it positively? If you can intervene why can’t someone else do likewise? If a lion can be tamed surely something can be done about your mother. How on earth can two families be bullied by one person? Aiwa tipeiwo maserious.
All that is needed is to tell her how her behaviour offends others. When people fail they come up with a lot of things that they can’t prove like uroyi or ishavi and so forth. My advice is call the pastor and people from her church to help you out since you said she behaves normally among them. Ko kunamata kwacho kuripai?
If you are Christian your lifestyle should portray this wherever you are, it is not about the church, it is about the inner person. You as family should sit down with her and talk about the harm she has caused, it is never too late. If she is normal at church then she does not have a problem at all, vakajaidzwa chete. For now let us leave baba’s family members out. Remember to pray for her sincerely, there is immense power in prayer.
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