The Sunday Mail
Nhai, ndakadyiswa here?
MAI CHISAMBA, thank you so much for your column, now we can write to someone who is independent of our families and get fair solutions pasina tsvete or favour.
I am a happily married man aged 36 and my beloved wife is 34. We are blessed with two kids, a boy aged 12 and a girl who is 10. I enjoy doing household chores, I help most of the time. I cook, do laundry, clean and so on. My wife is hard working too, at times we alternate our duties. We are both gainfully employed but still we enjoy cooking for ourselves even though we have a maid.
Sometime last year my mother came to our house unannounced and found me busy working in the kitchen while my wife was taking a nap. She got so upset and wanted to know whether my wife was sick or not. When I told her that it was my turn all she said was zirema. I made her a cup of tea which she refused to take. When my wife finally came to join us in the lounge mai vanga votofemereka nehasha. I was shocked by what my mother did, she just did not have any kind words for my wife – she complained bitterly kuti ndakadyiswa. My wife was so confused she did not know what amai was up to. Before we calmed her down my sister drove in and said tauya kuzotora mai.
After this Mai Chisamba, there was drama in the family. My sisters even tetewo my father’s sister munhu mukuru suggested kuti vafambe neni ndinorutsiswa. I do not even understand what this means. The family relations have been so strained ndiri kungoudzwa zvakawanda about my wife. My mother has vowed never to set foot at my house again until vafamba neni because I am no longer normal. We later discovered that the maid ndiye aitaura with my sisters kuti hanzvadzi yenyu chave chitototo chaicho. They have isolated my wife and she is so unhappy. Please advise me could it be true that ndakadyiswa? Should I listen to what my mother and family are saying? Pane zvine mukadzi wangu here zvandisingaone? All we did is to continue the lifestyle that we had when we worked out of the country for 10 years.
Response
Thank you so much for reading my column. It is most refreshing to hear about people who are so much in love. You sound as if you are still at your romantic stage even if you have been married for more than a decade, well done I give you full marks for that. How I wish more couples would emulate that.
To me you are a perfect couple taking turns to help each other, that is awesome. If I were in your shoes the first thing would be to relieve the maid of her duties with immediate effect. Instead of giving her the official three months’ notice, pay her off because she will undo whatever you try to work on because of her relationship with your people.
It is shameful that your sister fished for information from muroora’s maid, that is sinking very low. I think your mother overstepped her limits. She was bossy and arrogant for nothing. Your letter says you enjoy helping out so these are things that you are not compelled to do. Her confrontation with your wife was uncalled for. In my view you are actually an extra normal guy who wants the best for his family, do not be intimidated hapana kudyiswa apa.
If you worked for 10 years out of the country it falls into place that you are used to doing the chores because out there it is not easy to get domestic service. My advice is do not degrade yourself by going kunorutsiswa, there is nothing wrong with you.
Do not listen to anyone who talks against your wife regarding this issue hapana chaakatadza. If your mother does not want to come to your house because she found you doing what you enjoy best let it be, she shall see sense later. I suggest you go and talk nana sekuru and mbuyas from your mother’s side and explain your stance.
Mai vakataurwa navo your sisters will follow suit because vari kungotevedzera sezvireyi kana kuti ngoro. In the meantime continue doing what you love best. Enjoy your marriage, wedzerayi rudo there is nothing wrong with both of you. The isolation will come to pass hapana akatadzirwa saka hapana nyaya. Always pray for your families there is immense power in prayer. Be of good cheer and take care.
***
I’m pregnant by my boss
I am a 20-year-old woman. I did O-Level but did not pass even one subject.
Instead of just staying at home I decided to come to town and work as a maid. The woman I work for is a true Christian because when I hear stories from other maids dzekuti vanobatwa sei I am very shocked. The couple I work for is quite a young one they only have one baby boy aged two, they are both in their late twenties. Baba vacho made advances one weekend when the wife was out on a workshop. I wanted to report this to his wife but he told me that he loved me more than his wife and would want to marry me as a second wife. He has so far bought me a beautiful top of the range cellphone inotokunda yaamai mufunge.
This has been going on for a year now. When his wife is away I also call him by his first name. My mother has no problem with this because she said to me adiwa adiwa hake chero achida kukuroora. He is a very generous man he gives me money, now I can afford to send provisions to my family back home. The reason why I have written to you is I am now two months pregnant and all of a sudden he doesn’t look as keen as he used to.
He used to come back home during odd hours pretending to have forgotten something asi rwuri rudo rwekuti timbofara. I suggested that he gets me alternative accommodation before I bulge up, now he says dzokera kumusha tozoronga uriko. Do you think if I go home he will come and marry me? Do you think his wife will embrace me as an equal? Please help, I do not know what to do.
Response
I know you did not pass your O-Level but for someone who went up to that level you sound so foolish and show a very low reasoning capacity. A woman of your calibre aspiring to be a second wife kutoronga kunoita chigamba, why? This guy did not rape you, you fell for him willingly.
In your own words you say his wife treats you with respect, she does not treat you as a maid so why bite the hand that feeds you? I am shocked by your mother’s comments kuti adiwa adiwa, what a parent! I thought she would be mad at you. At her age she should know that love triangles are full of risks in the wake of diseases such as HIV and AIDS.
There can be violence or even deaths when such affairs are exposed. Your mother would rather have a box of groceries than protect your life, what a shame. You did not do well at school I thought this was a good chance to improve yourself academically because learning does not end. You should have known better, this guy was just taking advantage of you he never loved you at all, maybe to him you were his stay in concubine (pfambi). He knew you were so petty wakazvipotsera because of a few extra dollars and a phone. The saddest thing is baby is on the way and you have no plans for the kid. It is cruel to create families you cannot take proper care of. The child may temporarily bring your plans on hold because unomusiira ani uchitsvaga basa?
I base my response on your letter, you say this guy is no longer as keen as before so I doubt very much if he will come to marry you. To me he is just an abuser and a womaniser who took advantage of a poor maid. If the wife finds out obviously she will not be amused considering that she treated you well, she may go legal and sue you for adultery. Personally I think the best thing is to quit employment and go back home before the cat is out of the sack.
When baby is born go to court and claim for child support. Close this nasty chapter in your life and move on, leave this guy alone he has already messed up your life.
You are still young and full of potential usade zvechipari you should not spend the rest of your life as a second class citizen uchimirira duty rekuti baba vanouya rinhi kwako. If you want a good life you have to work for it do not sell your body for food and phones. Keep your pride. I would be happy to hear from you again.
***
I’m married to a bully
I am married to a divorcee. I love my wife with all my heart and would want to spend the rest of my life with her. We have one child in this marriage but she has another one from her former marriage. If we happen to have any misunderstandings she quickly puts her ex-husband who used to physically abuse her on her WhatsApp profile and the status will be I miss you. This is breaking my heart. In our marriage she wants to be the one who has the last voice on anything, she even dictates when we can be intimate or how we should budget or whatever. Mai Chisamba, I do not know what to do because of the love I have for her but inwardly ndatambura.
Ndotangira papi kuti nyaya iyi ipere. I want to speak to her in a way that will not make her angry. As I write this letter she took the children to her family’s home because she was upset with me, I miss my son so much but ndodiniwo?
Response
Thank you so much for reading my column but seriously speaking I do not think you are as hurt as you say. Your wife displaying her ex-husband and writing a status – “I miss you” on her profile and you look at that and say ndarwadziwa – what nonsense.
If she misses her former husband then what is she doing with you? Set her free and let her go. Why did she leave that guy in the first place? She wants to be the last voice because you have allowed it to be that way, marriage is give and take, it should be balanced.
In my view I think your union is like a horse and rider relationship. In a healthy marriage people communicate, discuss and agree on what they want to do even if you make compromises but mese munenge muchifara. Why is your wife bulldozing everything? Mukwasha tipeiwo maserious. Your wife needs to go for anger management.
She took the children away from the marital home – that is not fair, it is child abuse at its worst. What wrong have the children done? Is she a violent person? It seems like you are so scared of her because everything you want done should be done with kid gloves.
We condemn violence, I know this is the reason why she parted with her first husband. I always say only animals fight when they are in conflict, people talk over their differences. Talk to vana tete if you cannot solve this alone but for anger management she needs professional help. You have to be patient and work on your marriage, you are so much in love and that is how it should be, unfortunately there is no reciprocation. Remember to pray for your family. Mumunamato mune simba rinoshamisa. I wish you all the best.
Write to: [email protected] or WhatsApp 0771415747
