The Sunday Mail
Mum-in-law has crush on my hubby
I am a 28-year-old woman married to a 35-year-old man who was previously married and had two kids but the wife died.
I have no problem whatsoever with this situation because I knew from the beginning. We have been married for four years now.
My problem is my husband’s former mother in-law (ambuya) is getting in my space and she gets too personal with my hubby and I do not like it. She is constantly in touch with my husband through WhatsApp and phone calls all in the name of the children.
My husband has two sisters: harisiro basa ranatete to keep communication na ambuya ava here?
In the four years that I have stayed with my husband this gogo has never asked to take these kids for a holiday or just for a weekend so what is the big deal about the constant communication with my husband?
She periodically comes to see them kumba kwedu but never takes them to her house for even a day or two. I do not mind being with the kids but zvaamai ava kwete.
Mai Chisamba, can my husband fully concentrate on his present when his past is kept under his nose by this nagging ambuya? I cannot take this any longer, am I being unreasonable? Please help me.
Response
From your letter it shows you are being the bigger person in this whole scenario. Well done for keeping your cool and seeking advice first, very few people in your situation would do that.
I am glad you have accepted the children whole heartedly that’s how it should be especially after they lost their dear mum at such a tender age.
This woman is off track, kurasika kunotoda betsero.
First and foremost she must accept that her former mukwasha has moved on there is no reason for her to cling to the past.
For the past four years she has never asked to take her grandchildren home, what a gogo?
Her daughter must be turning and tossing in her grave. This is very unusual and no wonder why you doubt her sincerity when she keeps in touch with your hubby. Vana ndidzo hama dzavo kwete mukwasha.
Secondly, she should not be coming to your house to see the kids unless you invite her to visit. Where does she get her authority from?
Vana tete, your hubby’s sisters, are sleeping on the job there are the ones who should come up with a proper arrangement, for instance, when the kids should go to see their granny, who will pick them up back and forth.
You and your husband will oversee that these arrangements are smooth. You should be involved with these kids full time because you are the mother who is going to bring them up and you should not lose your grip on them.
Once you have an arrangement in place she will not be coming to your house pavadira ivo. Gogo’s behaviour is very untoward and it may be miscalculated. Marriage is about trust,
love, respect and communication.
My advice for you is to talk to your husband about what’s been eating you up and suggest that instead of gogo communicating with your husband ngavachitaura newe samai. Let gogo know about this development because I see nothing wrong with it and it is much easier that way.
If the communication between gogo and your husband was clean then it will continue only this time she will be communicating with the both of you.
Tell gogo it is important for the kids to know and bond with relatives from their mother’s side, this can only be achieved if they visit and spend time with them.
Lastly, you are not being unreasonable – you have every reason to be concerned: protect and guard what you have jealously. Your hubby should not be the weak link in your marriage.
To gogo, I say remember the adage that says “gudo guru peta muswe vadiki vagokuremekedza” musarerutswe ne WhatsApp.
Pray for your marriage and take good care of the kids. I would be happy to hear from you again.
I was misled and I regret it
I am a 33-year-old lady married to a 34-year-old guy. We are both degreed professionals and blessed with a two-year-old son. We are of the Christian faith and go to one of these main line churches.
When we were still dating, my would-be mother-in-law used to tell me bad things about her family and tezvara’s family.
We had a long courtship I ended up hating people I did not know much about. She had no kind words for most of these people. I eventually got married, had my bridal shower and wedding.
To my surprise, most of these people supported and gave their all but she would come to me and say they are not genuine.
Now I feel lonely because we closed our doors to everyone except a handful so most relatives do not come to visit.
My mother in-law now complains that handidi hama dzavo kumba kwangu instead kunogara kwakazara dzangu but she is the one who told me not to entertain these people because vanoshereketa.
She is very demanding tezvara is better, she is almost a resident pamba pangu. I do not know how many times she comes inside a month.
I regret taking her word for it when she used to tell me kuti so and so anoita zvemushonga now I have discovered that even if she is a member of ruwadzano at her church havabve muchiporofita nemun’anga.
Please help me, how do we join the rest of the family?
The very same people we used to ignore because now nobody really cares about us. We are left out in a lot of family functions it is like we live on a desert island. Although, we have church friends we miss mhuri yedu. I feel it more than my husband because I come from a background where the family is intact. Please help.
Response
Thank you for seeing the light and reconsidering your decision to isolate the family fast. In Shona we say: “Zano unopangwa uine rako.”
At times I wonder why people bother to mention their faith because what is on the ground is totally different with what is expected of them.
Instead of a Christian mother in-law moulding her Christian daughter in-law they spend their energy talking ill of innocent family members. What a shame and what nonsense.
It is very common that people judge and say negative things about others without knowing anything about them – you have proved it yourself.
As a young woman and mother you should know that a combination of education and hard work will help get you where you want to go to in life. This is why the good book says Mwari vanoropafadza mabasa emaoko edu.
The dollar is hard to come by that is common knowledge, so if anyone goes out of their way and assists or supports you financially I think it proves they are genuine and that they care about you. Why would they bother if they were not for you?
To your mother in-law, I say here is the taste of your own medicine, nguruve yakukangwa nemafuta ayo. Mind you, muroora is your successor so do not destroy your family.
My advice is it is never too late to join the family. Start communicating, offer your services visit when you can. Never tell anyone about what vamwene used to tell you – it is not worth talking about.
Go by your faith do not hate anyone instead pray for them. Convince your husband that you need to embrace both families.
I know amai will feel very uncomfortable about this move to begin with but soon she will realise that things have changed for the better. She may isolate herself vachifunga kuti vari kurehwa. When she talks ill about other people tell her that it is not a good practice.
This change may even reduce her trips to your house but remember she will always be your vamwene and gogo to your children.
Give her the respect she deserves. You need to forgive her in order to move forward. Lastly do not be too hard on yourself otherwise you will stress yourself for nothing. I wish you all the best.
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Should we withdraw son from school?
I am a happily married mother-of-two. Our eldest son is doing Grade Seven. We have relocated because my husband was transferred from Harare to Bulawayo.
We agreed not to transfer our son because he is in an examination class so we asked my hubby’s young brother and wife to stay with our son during the school terms and they both agreed.
We did this just for school but conditions kwana babamudiki hadziite. They have a big family plus some relatives from mainini’s side stay there.
We do assist with provisions but rumour has it that we give very little and our boy is not happy at all. I am afraid this may disturb his performance at school and beat the purpose of why we left him in Harare.
My husband suggests we move him and take him to our friend’s house apedzere next term ikoko. We do not know what to do. We are torn and this is affecting our life so much. At times I cry my eyes dry when I think of him going to bed on an empty stomach. Please help.
Response
It’s very unfortunate that the rumour machine never breaks down. In life we hear one rumour after another, how reliable is your source?
It is not good to base your argument on the grapevine because at times issues are exaggerated or blown out of proportion. Why are you now complaining about babamudiki’s big family and lifestyle as if you did not know?
This is a thing you talked about as a couple and agreed to before you took your son there, ndiyo yekukurumidza kumedza imi muchada kutsenga.
You say the boy is not happy that is to be expected because he is in a new environment among people he never used to stay with and he misses his nuclear family too.
It’s good you are helping out with provisions I advise you not to worry about comments coming out of the grapevine as long as you are doing your best do not worry about negatives. He is at his uncle’s place ari kwababa vake kunaka nekushata kwazvo ari mumusha make chaimo.
Ko dai kuri kuti mafa maidiiko? I advise you not to involve your friend in this otherwise it will send wrong messages to family and friends.
If you want to give him a break then he can go to visit your friend during weekends but after babamudiki grants him the permission.
Please put your energy in making sure your son passes his grade seven.
It is my hope that you had not talked about this nababamudiki already.
Keep your families intact, you need each other hunonzi hupenyu uhu. Lastly, be careful of a rumour it can destroy a marriage, a family, an organisation or even a country. It destroys more than a bomb. Be of good cheer – the boy will be fine.
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