The Sunday Mail
MOTHER IN LAW DEMANDS LOBOLA
Veduwe! Kwangu kwaita mashura. I am really confused and I don’t know how to start. I am happily married but my mother-in-law is too controlling and interfering.
I only have problems with my spouse when Amai comes over to visit. It seems my wife plays to her tune, she can’t say no to whatever amai says. Mai Chisamba I was shocked when I was summoned by my ambuya to sit down because she had something important to tell me. I complied because I had no idea about what she wanted to say.
This is what she said, “Hapana chakaipa nekutenga mota dzakawanda kana kuita maimprovements pamba penyu but please tipewo jeredzwa rakasara pamakaroora. Kana mukagona rongai ndinotoenda kumusha nemari yacho.”
I simply walked out on her, I couldn’t answer because I knew I could end up saying things that I would regret later. As I write this letter she is still at my house, maybe waiting for jeredzwa. My wife akungoita zviri unusual. The other day we picked up a quarrel from nothing and I had to restrain myself because for the first since we got married I felt like punching her face. Mai Chisamba please help. First I want Amai to just leave my home, I can no longer stand her. Secondly, ndozvinoitwa here kubvunzwa roora naambuya?
RESPONSE
Thank you so much for following our column, you are right mashura because what Amai has done is unAfrican and is unheard of. She has crossed the line and someone should bring sanity. You say you are happily married, the next thing is you want to punch your wife’s face how come?
Makorokoto for restraining yourself, you should never do that. It’s not good for you, for your marriage and even the law of the land does not allow that. That is abuse at its worst.
I know a lot of changes are taking place within our culture but believe me amai varasa protocol. Where is the go-between (munyayi)? Amai havabvunze roora kumukwasha. Although she is an interested party this remains baba’s domain.
Taurai navana sekuru hanzvadzi dzavo nevamunyai, mai vambosuduruka nyaya irongwe zvine hunhu pachivanhu chedu. Life is like a soccer game, these people can give mai a red card for tackling another player from behind. I salute you for having walked out on her because at times it’s not easy to recant.
You need to sit down with your spouse and iron out your differences, there is no need for tempers to run high. She should not take her mother’s side, instead ngaabatsire mai mukurasika kwavo. I think you can handle this, deal with this situation urgently because it can cause a lot of tension. Amai should go back home I repeat until this is sorted out. Good luck.
IS MY HUSBAND LAID BACK?
Mai Chisamba please help me. Mine is a very tricky problem, maybe not big enough to be labelled as a problem but it bothers me day in and day out.
I love my husband and daughter very much, but zvaanoita zvinobhowa. Special days in one’s life like birthdays, anniversaries, Valentine’s, the list goes on hazvireve chinhu kwaari. He believes in action, buying groceries, clothes and household goods.
Once I said to him sei musingambotiiwo “I love you”. Mai Chisamba his answer shocked me. He rudely said; “mune nzara here, mashayeiko?”
Ini ndoda kuudzwawo zvinofadza, vana Valentine’s Day vandichareva ava aah husiku zvaho. He comes from Chiredzi. When we visit his parents he plays musambo wemuseve all the way and this can be very frustrating.
If I don’t tell him kuti nhasi ibirthday rangu, believe me the day will be just like any other day. He is educated and has a very big post at his work place but the things I mentioned are miles away from him. How can we talk about this without offending each other? Mukadzi anoda kudiwa zvaanonzwa kani.
Response
Thank you so much for writing in. Wow!! What an impressive young woman. Am glad you love your husband and daughter, please keep the fire burning that’s the way to go. I can tell from the way you write that you want the best for your man and your marriage. It’s true when you talk to your spouse you should do it amicably.
Yes everyone anoda kudiwa, rudo ngarunzwike muropa rako kwete kuona nehuku dziri mufridge kana masofa ari mumba. First I want you to appreciate that we come from different backgrounds and at times the way we were brought up takes a toll on us right through life. Kukosha kwebirthday nemisi mimwe inokosha zvinodzidziswa vana vachiri vadiki kuitira kuti zvigokura zviri mavari. I think your man lacks exposure. You can help by celebrating your birthdays with friends and family, exchanging gifts, etc.
For days like Valentine’s go out for dinner, movies or functions. Tell him you love him tione kuti haazodairawo kuti I love you too. Rudo rwunoda kusesedzana, batsiranai kuti zviendeke. Marriage, as I always say, is a lifelong commitment, so don’t spend your whole life in a dull and boring relationship.
Do something to spice it up so that it’s enjoyable. Love is not one-sided, tell your spouse what makes you tick. Try and attend these decent musical family functions maybe his taste of music might change. He may end up preferring a variety of genres instead of just one. In marriage you make your own man or woman.
Kashoma kuwana zvese zvakaringana, munotogadzirisana murudo muchinyararire. Vamwe vanenge vari mabharanzi, vamwe vasina kudzidza, vamwe vasina chiedza, vamwe vaine maramba imba. It’s very important to work tirelessly on your marriage, this can be done without offending each other. Use terms that will keep you tight like honey, sweetheart, love and so forth kwete kungoti nguva dzose Baba Gibson and Amai Mutsa. Good luck and enjoy your marriage.
SEKURU TOO CONTROLLING
Mai Chisamba thank you so much for this platform. It’s just good to know you can write in and get advice for almost free. Mine is more of an observation than a problem but it’s slowly eating me up. I am not yet married but I am a major.
I am the first born and I come from a family of five, three brothers and two sisters. Being the eldest son at times I read in between lines without having to be told about a lot of things. We stay in a very modest house in the low density but the truth is it’s not our house although most people don’t know this.
Unlike my father, my mother has a very rich and respected background so this house belongs to my sekuru, my mother’s brother. He has several houses, hard earned so he allowed my family to use one for just a token of rent.
The problem now is I see my parents have no say to who comes to stay at the house, hama dzinongouya through sekuru. Gardening is done the way sekuru wants, he even pays the gardener. At times I feel as if my father is not as happy as he should be. Over the years my parents built a house in Budiriro and someone is renting it. I feel my parents are doing it for our sake but I don’t want them to live like second class citizens, we can handle the ghetto. Takura Mai Chisamba ndibatsireiwo, how do I tell them? Mai vangu vanoda zveclass too much but my father is definitely not happy and I am concerned.
Response
Wow! What a letter? What an observation from such a young man? Thank you for reading our column, I am humbled. As for giving advice this will always be my pleasure but I am human too I can only do so much. To say the least I am really touched. I wonder how many guys of your age can look at life and values like this.
I think sekuru is not giving your parents the respect and space they deserve. He is taking advantage of his sister and mukuwasha. What sekuru did in the beginning was a very good gesture but he did not do it hundred percent. Why does he send people to your house nokuti kana dziri hama dzamai it means they are his too and they may as well stay at his house.
Why is he still in charge of the garden? No, no kupusisa vamwe ka uku. I respect your line of thinking, there is nothing wrong about going to the ghetto life is what you make it. Our people have an adage which says chako ndechako. I am glad in your observation you can tell that your parents are soldiering on because of mhuri yavo yajaira low density. I suggest you take the bull by its horns, talk to them and let them know that you and your siblings are ready to go to your own house where you have proper elbow space.
Unoshamisika vachitotura befu kuti matigonera vana. It’s high time your father called the shots kwete sekuru. Last but not least musamhanye, musakanganwe sekuru. After your meeting tell him about your plans to move out and appreciate him for having had you in his house for so long. I hope this will go down well with your parents especially your mother. Kuda class zvakanaka asi ngazviitwe nezvinhu zvako. Good luck and keep me posted.
