Mudzimba with Mai Chisamba: Confused and guilty

17 Jan, 2016 - 00:01 0 Views
Mudzimba with Mai Chisamba: Confused and guilty

The Sunday Mail

Confused and guilty

MAKADII Mai Chisamba? Thank you so much for this platform, it is helping us and we are learning a lot. My situation is far worse than some of the issues you have addressed. In 2013 I got pregnant and confronted the guy responsible and he refused it was his, he did not want anything to do with the pregnancy. Out of pain, anger and frustration I set up another guy and he took on the responsibility. This guy has been taking good care of us and has been there for me and the child ever since. In a twist of events, the child’s real father traced me to where I am staying now. He says we either get back together or anoita chivanhu chekuti mwana anondinetsa zvekutadza kumuchengeta. The child at the centre of all this is a lovely boy who was born in mid-2014. The child has bonded well with the second guy although we are not married. I did not even tell the real father that the child already has a birth certificate. I am so confused, I do not even know where to start, how do I tell this guy who has been there for us? I have not told anyone so far because I fear resentment kumwana. Please assist.
Response
Thank you for reading my column and for writing in. I am glad you are learning a lot and some of the lessons to be drawn from here are to be true to yourself and to other people. I will be very honest with you, what you have done is cruelty at its worst. We are talking about an innocent child who looks up to his mother as a role model, please do not destroy him at such a tender age. Today Mr A is dad tomorrow things change and Mr B becomes dad, what on earth are you trying to do?
Setting up a guy when you are already pregnant and you truly know that it is not his is evil to say the least. You are a very selfish and self-centered woman. When you played all these tricks, all you wanted to do was to save your face.
What do you think will happen to this guy’s emotions, what about his family and the joy they experienced when they were told about the boy’s birth? Do you think even the real father will be amused when he hears all this?
Do you see any of these two guys wanting to be associated with a person like you afterwards? It is a very small world, your son may not know what is going on now because of his age but achazvinzwa chete akura. I do not understand what your intention was when you crafted all this because even the guy you set up did not marry you although he stood by your side all the way. You can never lead a normal life with such a guilty conscience. My advice is for you to press rewind titangire kwazvakatangira. You have to tell the guy you set up the truth, but you cannot be trusted either, maybe you do not know who the real father is. The best is to take the child for DNA tests and establish the truth. Zvechivanhu zviri kutaurwa could be just an arm twisting tactic. Clear your conscience even if it means losing both guys.
The real father wants you back ko vakambenge vaendepi? What a coward, he ran away when the going was tough, now the playground is level he is in love with you again. Be careful you may end up with a second unplanned baby.

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Tired of my irresponsible sister

Mai Chisamba, compliments of the season. I love your column so much I hope I will be assisted too. I am happily married. I own a house and a car. I am a 39-year-old father of four. I have a sister who is a divorcee. She is employed as a house maid and she is a mother of one. Her child stays with the father but she can access the child during holidays and weekends. The problem with my sister is that she does not want to spend her money on anything except her personal clothes and food.
When she was in school, I helped pay her fees and now l feel that I did my part as an older brother. During all these holidays, she does not want to go home, she goes to her former husband’s place to pick her child then come straight to my place. She comes marching and she does not even bring her toiletries or any food item. I am tired of this kind of behaviour, she is straining me. The dollar is hard to come by, when I budget I do it for my wife and our children. She is taking advantage of me being her big brother ndibatsireiwo kani. Your advice will be greatly appreciated.
Response
Thank you for writing in, season’s greetings to you too. It is very refreshing to hear about people who are happily married, yes, that is what it should be like. Congratulations you have done well at 39 you own a house and a car, aiwa sando dzako. I do not understand how your own sister is losing it, a divorcee should know better. This woman we are talking about had her own family, it is my assumption that she knows what it means to budget for and to look after a family. I think you are right to say she is taking advantage of you.
Thank you for being a responsible brother for helping out with your sister’s fees, etc. I see you are like a father to her and this will make it easy for you to correct this situation. I always say communication plays a pivotal role in our lives. People should not go in circles, they should just call a spade a spade. Tell your sister point blank what is expected of her. Mukasaudzana chokwadi munopedzesera morevana. This is a major problem in many families, people do not tell each other the truth about issues they want addressed. I think tete will appreciate this because there is nothing wrong. Continue to enjoy your marriage, I wish you all the best.

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Does my wife have a skeleton in her closet?

Thank you for your column, it touches on real issues that resonate with most of us. I need help but I want you to first put yourself in my shoes. I am a married man in my mid-forties, my wife is 39 and we have three kids, two boys and a girl. I love and respect my wife, we have been married for fifteen years now but mukadzi wangu anenge ane kachitsotsi. A male neighbour who stays two houses down our road stopped my wife as she was about to drive into our gate and they talked for about ten minutes.
My wife is very loud when it comes to laughing, anorova chikuwe chaicho, this is what attracted me and I peeped through the window and saw them. My wife had no idea that I had already arrived and parked my car. I asked what the amusement was about and she said he was wishing her happy birthday. Mai Chisamba, baba vepa next door vakaudzwa nani zve birthday? We had a bad exchange of words but my wife said maybe the kids had talked about this since they play together and go to the same school. I gave up but inwardly I was hurt. On New Year’s Eve we invited a few friends to come over for drinks and gochi gochi. My wife’s best friend and spouse were among the guests. The same guy who once wished my wife happy birthday was walking towards his house passing through ours, my wife’s friend sprang up with excitement calling him Joseph!
They seemed happy to have seen each other. When she came back she just told us all kuti mukomana aigona iyeyu we were together at high school, we were classmates tese na Kuda. My heart missed a beat, Kuda is my wife, she has never mentioned it, why? We have known this guy and his wife as just neighbours. Am I missing something here? My wife has introduced me to a lot of people whom she knows but never this Joseph. Ndakapinda mu 2016 ndakazvimbirwa, each time I see this guy ndinogaya horror. Is it me or there is something. Please assist.
Response
Thank you so much for reading my column, wow mudzimba mune nyaya. Fifteen years of a happy marriage is commendable, well done. Firstly, let me say your wife should know that acting suspiciously can cause a lot of unnecessary problems in a marriage. I have put myself in your shoes as per your request. The whole thing seems fishy. In some instances, people or even spouses forget each other’s birthdays and for Joseph, a neighbour, to remember this date and convey his wishes is something else.
A birthday is not a grave secret, though, depending on who is wishing who. Those verbal fights are not good for your marriages because each time you have such an exchange you dent your union. This Joseph saga has left you with mistrust for your wife. Why she never mentioned that she went to the same school with this guy remains a mystery.
They were even classmates. In your heart of hearts you are asking yourself kuti what happened between these two then? From your letter it seems there is no bad blood between the two because they still talk and her friend was genuinely happy to see Joseph. My advice is calm down first and then let your wife tell you why she did not tell you about this guy. Give her the benefit of the doubt.
Mind you munhu anongotaura zvaanoda muhupenyu, pamwe haadi hake kutaura nezva Joseph. Ask her nicely because this guy has nothing to do with your marriage, it is not his business.
All she needs is to clear the air but if she says no please respect that munozivana. Your wife should not let it look as if there is something that she is hiding from you.
Yes, they were classmates but they have moved on with their lives and are both married, take it easy marriage is about trust, kachitsotsi hakasi good for anyone. I think you can handle this as adults but if need be you can engage a professional counselor to assist you.
Musabate bate Joseph munopara mhosva musingazive. I wish you all the best, remember staying in the same hood is a bit difficult but do not let this destroy what you have accomplished, makumbo enyoka aya.

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