The Sunday Mail
Choirmaster singing in bedrooms
MAI CHISAMBA, thank you so much for your column. I have been married for 15 years and I have three beautiful kids. My problem stems from the fact that my husband complains that I do not have a son and as a result we are drifting apart. I did not know he was cheating on me until I heard through the grapevine. I also came to know that he had sired a son with one of the ladies in the church choir. He is a gifted singer and is the choirmaster in our church. I told my mother in-law about this and instead of listening to my story properly she said vaita basa shumba rudzi rwanga rwafa. I was not amused and we had a bad exchange of words. I spoke to the girlfriend over the phone because I wanted to know the truth but she did not make it easy. She said it was true but that several other women in the choir had vana nemurume wangu. I am so hurt am contemplating to quit the church but before I do so I want to expose these people to the pastor. I am so hurt I am a career woman I bring income to the table and part of this income is used to cheat on me. Please assist I am so hurt.
Thank you so much for writing in. I am sorry about what you are going through. Your husband is abusing his position as the choirmaster, he is taking advantage of these women. It is not good to create families that you cannot look after. People like your husband bring churches into disrepute. They are diverting from their mandate of preaching the word of God through singing. I know you are hurt but I do not understand why you are going in circles. For starters you approached your mother in-law who did not improve your situation at all. Now you want to go to church and speak to the pastor and expose these women? When are you planning on talking to your cheating husband? Ko kana vanhu vakungoitisana vana muchurch kuchiri kunamata here? I remember explaining a while back to a man who was having problems with his wife about giving birth to girls only. Scientifically speaking it is the husband’s fault. Love triangles are risky in the day and age of STIs. All children are precious regardless of their gender. Quitting the church without enough tangible evidence may be very unwise. You really need to see these so called children that your husband has had out of wedlock and determine their paternity otherwise you will lose money through child support. If the rumours are true he must do the noble thing and resign from his post as choirmaster and the church should punish him in the way they deem fit. People like your mother in-law should think twice before they speak kuvaka kunokunda kuputsa. It is in your best interest to speak to the pastor but only after you have done so with your husband. Always pray for your family. You can also use the law to protect yourself depending on the type of wedding you have. I hope to hear from you again.
I’m married to a tyrant
Mai Chisamba, I hope I find you well. I married a man after his friend played match maker and introduced us to each other. I work with this guy both him and his wife have become good friends of mine. This couple was so concerned about Tim because his love life was not stable and he dated so many women but could never find the perfect one. He is 35 and I am 24 and we have been married for two years now. Mai Chisamba, ndatambura I understand why it took him so long to settle down. He is always moody and behaves like a tyrant. I regret marrying him, the couple that introduced him to me is so apologetic and they admit that they had the wrong idea of who he was. We have a son and that is the only positive thing in our marriage. He is physically and verbally abusive akatanga kukutuka unotemwa nemusoro. He is so foul mouthed he calls me all kinds of names and has no respect for me. We are in the process of planning our white wedding but I do not know if I can go through with this anymore. After he paid lobola we went to court so we have a legally recognised marriage Chapter 5:11. The white wedding was going to be a celebratory one but I have nothing to celebrate. I have cried my eyes out but he treats me like a second class citizen. I do not want to talk about his background especially his mother because it makes me cry. I come from a happy family and I never experienced what I am experiencing now. My family is deeply disturbed about what is going on in my marriage. My tete once came over to talk to us vakatukwa mashoko asinganyoreke mu paper nhau re mhuri se Sunday Mail. The truth is he has pushed me to my limits. Mai Chisamba, can I throw in the towel now after just two years of marriage? Should I have a white wedding? I no longer love him.
Thank you so much for reading my column and writing in. I was deeply saddened by your letter, what you are going through is torturous. It is sad for such a young couple. For starters you should forgive your match makers they initially did this out of love. I can tell from your letter that you have almost made up your mind. What your husband is doing is both criminal and cruel. Any type of abuse is not acceptable so many people have died or having been emotionally scarred for life because of this. Yes I would want to see your marriage change for the better but that does not happen overnight. I have to be realistic with you, I agree there is nothing to celebrate and you should stop planning for the white wedding. I wish you could work things out with your hubby the environment you are in is not good for raising a child. You gave me an impression that your house is like a boxing arena kutuka kwakashata nekuti mashoko anogara muninga nekusingaperi and this is not good for your marriage. I still think there is a ray of hope even though you say you no longer love him. The fact that you wrote in to me proves it. You want to know if you can throw in the towel after two years, which implies you have not given up yet. We do not assess a marriage by how long it has lasted but by how you have enjoyed the years within that union. Marriages are supposed to be full of fond memories, love and respect. I advise you to engage a professional counselor who will help determine if you are compatible or not. Your husband’s problems could be emanating from his family background and the way he was brought up. Wanano haifanire kuramba ichingonamanuka. Use the law to protect yourself no one has a right to abuse other people. Why don’t you get a protection order so that you are safe? Lastly a loveless marriage is not worth anything. I would want to hear from you after your session with the counselor.
Christmas grocery drama
Mai Chisamba, I hope you are well. I am a big fan of your column, I just love it. Mine is a small but disturbing observation. I am a married woman blessed with four kids, so far so good. We normally work together with my husband. This Chistmas we brought groceries for our two families. We spent the same amount on the groceries but they were slightly different basing on our parents needs. His brother came up to pick the box for my in laws but I was surprised to see that my husband had added an extra box without telling me. I asked him to do so for my parents but akati haasisina mari. I am so disappointed I feel like boycotting the New Year cruise he had planned with our friends. I work and contribute to the family budget and I cannot just watch while my family is being short changed. Mai Chisamba, is this fair? Hapana asina kuzvarwa. I am just fed up please help.
Thank you big fan for writing in. Your observation is indeed very small and I think you are overreacting. The good book says “your people shall be my people” and you complain about an extra box of groceries to your mother in-law, vasikana tisadaro kani. How much is that? This attitude of always complaining is not healthy. I can tell from the way you expressed yourself that even if your hubby had told you he was going to do this you would decline. This is Christmas, the spirit of giving is in the air but you remain tightfisted mai mwana kuomera hakuvake musha. You do not need to be like business partners always taking stock. You are life partners, lovers and friends at heart. Give each other room to address family issues if need be without clearance from the other spouse, of course, everything should be transparent. Big fan if truth be told you are being childish. You want your parents to get an extra box too why? Why can’t this be done some other time when you have prepared for it? You want to boycott a cruise because of such a petty issue, inga vamwe varikutochemera kuti hatimbofambwa nesu. Please be loveable and enjoy your marriage. My advice is say sorry to your hubby. Marriage is not about competition if you still talk about kwangu and kwake then you are in the wrong game. After four kids you should be mature enough to know. I agree hapana asina kuzvarwa we should be there for our families and friends but in the process we should not destroy ourselves. There is nothing to be disappointed about, let it go and go enjoy the cruise. Zvamuri kutamba nazvo vasikana vamwe vari kutoita zvekurota. Hang on to what you have got. I wish you all the best.