Mudzimba with Mai Chisamba

27 Sep, 2015 - 00:09 0 Views
Mudzimba with Mai Chisamba Dr Rebecca Chisamba

The Sunday Mail

Am I confused or unreasonable?
Mai Chisamba, thank you for your column. I divorced my first husband in 1999 and left three children who are all grown up and I have since remarried.
My problem is my children are saying I should go back to my first husband who is their father. I love my children and miss them so much. Please advise me.
Should I go back? I am really torn apart.
Response
Thank you for writing in. Although I encourage people to keep their letters short, I need enough information to respond to this one. Instead of just giving advice, I will bombard you with questions because I have to be sure of what brought you to the current situation.
Yes, your children want you back, but the fact is you were not married to your kids but their father. This is your children’s wish; it may differ from your former spouse’s because he has not said anything.
You make it sound like you can easily go back to your former home, but what about the new husband? Are you just going to walk out on him just like that because your children have said so?
Are you not in genuine love?
Why should you hurt his feelings? He is not part of your past? Do you have any children with the new hubby?
Please shed more light on this.
Divorce should be the very last resort in any marriage. It affects the spouses, the children and both families. The Book says God hates divorce. Your children are grown-ups, but still long to have their mother around. These are the results of a divorce and it’s very sad.
Makubvunza zvekudzokerako; zvakambokusvitsai pakurambana zvakashanduka here? My advice is please take life seriously, think before you act. It’s very important for people to seek professional counselling before they divorce.
The implication now is you are regretting what you did and that’s why you want to go back. How stable is your second marriage? Mhuri hadzidi kungosiya siya nekuti moyo haubvepo kunyangwe ukafuratira. You should also know that you are dealing with real people with emotions.
Please don’t play the back-and-forth game.
Take love and marriage seriously; it’s a lifetime commitment.
Lastly, I just want to say be careful when you make your decisions. You may lose both men in the process. Furnish me with all the necessary information. It is my hope that you have time with your children. Love and pray for them. It is tough growing up without a mum.
***
Much ado about nothing
Thank you very much for this platform. Mine is not a very common problem, but it’s bothering me.
Sometime back, I read something similar in your column. My child was named after my mother-in-law against my wish. We have three kids – two sons and a daughter. Ivo mai started calling my girl gogo.
Now it seems most of the relatives on my husband’s side are following suit. I don’t like it and she doesn’t either. When she comes to Harare, wherever she goes to visit, she asks to go in her company.
“Ndipei sazita andiperekedze.”
I call her by her middle name, Tatenda, but it’s just me and my two boys.
This has strained my relationship with my mother-in-law. I talked to some of my friends at work and they say I should change the name officially.
Chizita chacho ndeche chichembere. My problem is I don’t know how my husband will take it if I suggest that we change the name. Mai Chisamba, what do you think about this? My husband knows that I dislike the name, but has never said anything.
Do you think he is bothered?
My girl is only in Grade One, mufunge.

Response
Thank you for writing in. You sound very bothered indeed. I remember in the communication you are referring to, I said zvakanaka kupa the biological parents a chance to name their children. This is what people dream about when they get married or are blessed with children.
In some instances, couples may ask their grandparents to name the children, but this should be mutual. No one should impose herself/himself. To be honest with you, I think you are brewing a storm in a teacup.
Why do you sound so upset?
Are you sure it’s just about the name or there are other issues you did not talk about?
What is in a name?
I think your friends are misleading you. Why do you want the name changed now? Where were you when it was registered?
Musatsvaga nemumhuri; you are a mature woman. How can a Grade One pupil identify zita rechichembere?
Please don’t spoil the kid.
In your case, why don’t you just call her Tatenda?
At least she has two names.
Why do you think your husband has kept quiet about this whole circus?
Remember, this chembere is his beloved mother. Who knows? Maybe he sees his mother in that child. She is only in Grade One. I don’t think she would age if people called her “gogo”.
It’s just a nickname.
There is nothing wrong in getting old.
Iropafadzo.
Everyone goes through that, including you and your daughter. There is nothing unusual about what your mother-in-law is doing. Muzukuru kufamba nambuya hazvi shamise. Aah… vasikana musadaro kani. Don’t entertain wild and weird thoughts.
You did not tell me kuti izita regombwa here or kungopiwa chete. Zita regombwa ndiro rine zvirango.
I may need to explain in detail what it means some other time. For now, embrace your mother-in-law and the rest of the family. Remember, as long as we live, we can’t run away from getting old.
Don’t put your husband in an awkward place; hapana kana nyaya apa. Some of the people telling you to change your daughter’s name vanotove nazvowo. Who knows? Try and call her “gogo” for a day, you will see that it means nothing. It’s just a nickname.
Pray for your family and for yourself. Hasha, shungu, nekuoma nhando zvinopera.
I wish you all the best.

Mai Chisamba, thank you so much. I have learnt a lot from your Sunday Mail column.
I am heartbroken. I just don’t know what to do. I dated my boyfriend for more than six years and all seemed ok. Just after the formal introductions from both our families, I discovered that he was cheating on me with my best friend.
The first time I smelt a rat was when I found my friend’s scarf in his car and he denied it, saying it was his sister’s. I almost asked his sister about this, but I thought it would be wrong.
Kana iri yake, ndinoita munhu wemanga manga. To cut a long story short, just a fortnight ago, I passed through his apartment in town unannounced and I got the shock of my life. I knocked and tried the door. To my surprise, it was not locked.
I then went straight to the bedroom.
I just stood by the bedside and called his name. They were in bed with my best friend. He cried – misodzi chaiyo.
I don’t understand why he wouldn’t let go of my hand. He pleaded with me, but I was upset.
All I managed to say was, “We are done.”
My friend managed to sneak out, but I never said a word. My boyfriend has engaged elders from his family to persuade me; navatete vangu. Ini zvangu I think handichada.
We were going to get married traditionally just before Christmas this year. I loved this guy. He was my everything. Why did he pick my friend?
Vanga vatanga rinhi? He says it was the first time and it was a mistake.
My friend sent her apology via email, but we have never spoken. I will have nothing to do with her. Mai Chisamba, please help me: What do I do? I am confused. I am 26 and he is 28 years old.
Response
Thank you for your letter. I am glad this column is helping you. Dating and loving someone for more than six years is no joke. Long courtship is very rare these days. I am sorry two people you loved and respected let you down.
This is betrayal at its worst.
He says it was a mistake; what kind of a mistake?
I think he is misusing the word.
According to your letter, everything regarding your relationship was set, the dates etc. Your friend is a backstabber, but it takes two to tango. Your boyfriend is a cheat, too, and a very stupid one.
I feel sorry about the whole circus, but want to commend you for acting maturely. Vakawanda vanorwisana, but you controlled yourself. That’s how it should be. Love is about trust. But if he cannot be trusted with friends and family, then it becomes a problem.
I feel your anger; your confusion is justified. Zvakaoma. I picked a few positives from your letter. You describe him as previously your everything. This type of love does not disappear overnight. Secondly, the fact that you have written to ask for help shows that you are not decided yet.
Nyaya yenyu can go either way.
Let me help clear your confusion. My personal opinion is do not rush it. Give this relationship another six months or so to see if you still care for each other in the same way. Marriage is not about dates. It’s about true love. If you are going to forgive him, are you going to forget about this incident and put it at the back of your mind forever?
Marriage is a lifetime commitment.
Long courtship shows you have a lot in common.
Rope in a professional counsellor.
You both need to pour out your hearts. Last but not least, it’s good to get tested for HIV and Aids. Love triangles are very unsafe. Muri vanhu vangangoroorana. Pray for your relationship as you go through all this. God will do the best for you. I may be wrong, but my sixth sense tells me you have a place for this guy in your heart.
Please keep me posted.
I wish you all the best.

Write to [email protected] or whatsapp 0771415747.

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