The Sunday Mail
Mai Chisamba, zvakaoma, murume wangu akadzidziswa nemukoma wake achibatsira vabereki vake. We are so grateful and we really appreciate what he did, actually we can never thank him enough. Chanetsa ndimaiguru mukadzi webrother, chakunge chikwereti she commands us around vachingoti murume wako dai pasina murume wangu ari kumusha achirima makandiwa nekufudza mombe. Pose panoungana vemhuri anototaura nyaya iyi. Isu tine mota mbiri nekuti kubasa ndakapihwa after my promotion ivo havana, Mai Chisamba inotori nyaya. Vari kuti ndiwo unonzi moyo wakaipa kuunganidza mota akakudzidzisa achienda kukombi. Taimboteerera asi taneta tazvitadza. Ini nemurume wangu tanga takufunga kuti babamukuru vaite calculate kuti vakaparadza mari yakawanda zvakadii pamurume wangu tidzosere pamwe tingawane zororo. Zvinoita here izvi? Babamukuru munhu akanaka akanyarara ivo maiguru ndivo vanoita semhengera mumba. Paya panonzi vemhuri vaite mudengu mudengu (kanzatu) panhamo kana pamuchato ivo havabatikane nazvo, unonzwa voti chimboitaiwo isu yedu mari yakapera nekudzidzisa murume waAgnes. I am just sick and tired of this zvatokanganisa relationship yevarume vedu. Please tibatsireiwo because at times I feel like punching maiguru. —Stressed up, Harare
I hear you, dear Agnes, but for goodness sake usazvideredze kusvika pakurwa namaiguru. Mukadzinyina wako akarasika, anotoda kubatsirwa. Chekutanga regawo nditi mukuona kwangu ivo vauri kuti munhu akanaka akanyarara ndiye arikuita senyoka iya inonzi mhunza musha. Ko sei babamukuru Noel vachinyarara ipo paine bongozozo, mukoma rudzii? Sei panoitwa mafamily contributions vasingataure kana vachiona zita ravo nemhuri yavo zvisipo? Ko sei mari yakadzidziswa murume wako ichibata maiguru vako chete imo muwanano mune vanhu vaviri? Dambudziko rine vanhu vakawanda ndere kuramba vachida kutendwa nekuzivikanwa rubatsiro rwavakaita pamunhu. Kana tichiita zvakanaka tirikuitira Mwari zve ndivo chete vanogona kutenda nenzira dzakasiyana siyana. Iye Noel ari kutoitirwa zvizhinji naMusikavanhu ari kupihwa makomborero ekunge akadzidzisa munin’ina wake. Kurudziro yangu ndeyekuti garai pasi semhuri mubudirane pachena kuti vanoda kuripwa here maybe in a way they see fit. Nyaya iyi ngairege kuve yenyu imi madzimai maviri. Kana vabereki vari vapenyu ngavapindewo mudare iri muchitungamirirwa navatete kana vana mbuya kana sahwira. Usaore moyo mushonga wemhosva kuikurukura.
Mai Chisamba, ndibatsirei musha wedu waparara, nherera dzauya kushata. When my sister died she left two daughters. Mumhuri medu taive three brothers and three sisters, muchakabvu ndiye aive dangwe. Ndakafunga kuti ndagona ndikataura nemurume wangu tikatora vana ava, zvese takavaitira tisingaite rubatsiro rwekukumbira. Nhasi ini nemhuri yangu ndisu tave mhandu havana zvakanaka zvavanoyeuka zvatakavaitira, all they remember mahardships. I don’t want to say much but the truth is we did the possible best. Hama dzangu dzotondireva kuti vana havasi kugara zvakanaka. This is now affecting my marriage because my husband is really fed up, ndinotoda kuuya kuzotaura nemi zvimwe zvacho hazvinyoreke. Ini handichada vana ava ndoita sei, moyo chena unoparira. —Tired aunt
Ndine urombo nekushaika kwemukoma wako, may her dear soul rest in peace. Nyaya iyi inoita seyakaoma nekuti urikutya kurehwa zvakanyanya, chakakosha ihana (conscience) yako iri kuti kudii? Ko kana vana ava vasina kugara zvakanaka kwauri vaendesei kune imwe hama kwavanganogara zvakanaka. Mumhuri yekwamai vavo kune vashanu vapenyu, why can’t they go to any one of your brothers or the other sister? Hauna kundiudza kuti mukoma wako anga akaroorwa here, but still kwababa vavo kune vapenyu. Muhukama hamudi makuhwa, zvikuru sei nevana nekuti vanobva varasika zvachose, iwe nemhuri yako kana makaita nemwoyo wese musatambura regai vamwe vamboedzawo. Zviri nyore chaizvo kuona kutambura kwemwana wausingagare naye, uchazondinyorera uchindiudza kuti makazobudirira kuita sei. Ndapota iwe nemurume wako musanetsane nenyaya iyi ingoonai kuti anozvigona atora vana ava. Musaite vekupotedzera, garai pasi semhuri zvozivikanwa kuti ndiani akuvatora. Wonekanai zvakanaka nekuti vakuru vanoti, ‘mangwana ndinhasi’. Take it easy and pray about it, munyengetero une simba.
My wife is moody
I love my wife but she is always moody. Munhu anoda kunyengererwa too much. Most times I can go for three weeks pasina bonde. She treats me rudely. If I go out ndinenge ndakuvadza future yemwana. Help me mukadzi uyu andirwadzisa. Hama dzake hadzitotaure neni becoz she spoils them nenhema. —Help me
Mood yauri kureva haitodiwi muwanano nekuti kushungurudza mumwe wako, kutsamwa hakusi kutaura munguva zhinji hapana chinobuda kana kuvakika. Mudzimai wako ari kubva pasungano yemuchato kana achikunyima bonde sepunishment. Izvi zviviri hazvitendedzwi kunyange ndisingazive kuti paanopinda mumood iwe unenge usina kumunyongosha here? Zvinondityisa kufunga kuti vanhu vanoroora kuti vozoita makwikwi ekutsamwidzana, kubhowana nekutukana. Aah, No God forbid! Wanano inoreva kuti you are one flesh, saka ukaita makuhwa kana kushora uri kutozvimhura. Ndinoda kukutenda nekusema kubuda kunze, well done!! Nyika ine mazino, unorumwa. Kune zvirwere zveshuramatongo zvinoparadza hupenyu. Mutsika nemagariro tine hurongwa hwakakosha hwekuenda kumadzitete kana madzimbuya moenzaniswa. Kana musingade kuenda kuhama kunyange zvakakosha endai kuma professional counsellors munobatsirwa. Muwanano hamudi kutsamwa segurwe rinozvidimbura makumbo kana ratsamwa, kana rozofara panenge pasisina chokufambisa. Continue to love your wife. If you follow this advice you will live happily ever after. Wati anoda kunyengererwa too much, maiwe asi hauzviite here? It’s part of the game kana iwe unotozvishuvira kana zvisingaitwe. Kunyengererana, kurezvana, kutaurirana zvakanaka nekudanana ndiyo nyaya yacho. Zvinogadzirika usarase mbereko nekufirwa.
Mai Chisamba, dambudziko rangu nderiri: murume wangu anoita kana three months tisina kana kusangana pabonde dambudziko rake anoti nhengo yake inorwadza. Ganda renhengo yake rinotsemuka obva arwadziwa zvakanyanya. Zvinomboitika here kune vamwe varume uye zvinorapika sei? Ndakamboti aende kunochecheudzwa asi anenge anotya. Tine vana vana, ndibatsireiwo. —Please Advise
Ndinotenda netsamba yako asi chandinoda kuti uzive ndechekuti, mazuva ano, netechnology (humizha) huripo zvishoma zvinganetse kugadzirisa. Dambudziko randinoona vanhu vakati kuti havaende kuchipatara kana kwamedical doctor just for a routine check-up. Zvatinoita nedzimotokari kuendesa kuservice nekugadzirisa zvakupera nezvakafa, ndizvo zvinofanira kuitwa pamiviri yedu nenhengo dzakasiyana siyana. Ngatirege kumirirra kurwara kana kurwarirwa. Murume wako anongofanira kuenda kumaspecialist vanobata nezvesikarudzi dzevarume. Svondo rapera ndakapa zita rachiremba ane mukurumbira ari muguta reHarare anonzi Dr Danso, endai nababa vanobatsirwa. Ndinonzwisisa kutambura kwako, wanano isina bonde rakakwana inoita sekudya sadza risina usavi. Be of good cheer! I am sure this will be sorted out easily.
I am in a dilemma that I believe might not be unique to myself only but to many men out there.
I had been dating this woman since 2012 and in January 2013 I was introduced to her aunts and family where we revealed our intentions that we wanted to get married. We had been sexually active for sometime and had not been using any contraceptive with the intention of having a baby.
She broke up with me at the end of March 2013 and despite all attempts by myself and her aunts to find out what the problem was — she refused to discuss the issue and became very insulting. I moved on with my life and forgot about her.
In May, I heard that she was getting customarily married which was a surprise to many including her aunts and sisters who I was still in talking terms with as friends. I asked the aunts if there was any chance that she could be pregnant and they insisted that they had also interrogated her but she denied and insisted that she was not pregnant.
On November the 18th she gave birth to a baby boy — I found out through social media when mutual friends were congratulating her. Something at the back of my head told me there was something fishy and upon calculating backwards — I realised that the pregnancy had been conceived in the month of February.
I went online and visited a number of websites that calculate conception dates and they put the conception dates of the said pregnancy between February 14 and February 21, 2013.
During that period I vividly recall that we engaged in sex numerous times as it was Valentine’s week and also my birthday was a few days later. I also consulted some nurses who are midwives and they confirmed the same thing — they also stated that even if she did sleep with the other guy during the same period, there is no way she could possibly know who the biological father of the baby is.
I do not deny that she was cheating on me all along but upon further investigation — I found out that the husband whom she is married to never came to Bulawayo during the month of February — and I can account for her whereabouts for the entire February up to the 13th of March which is when she went to Harare.
I went back to the aunts but I knew from the start that they could not be of any help as they would want to protect their niece’s marriage — so they could not assist me. Instead I was accused of being jealous and wanting to be a sore loser.
I got in touch with the husband and he was quite understanding. He said he would get back to me after questioning his wife. He called me the next day saying she had said she broke things up with me way back. Further more he insisted that what his wife did in the past was forgiven and they were looking towards the future. I asked him if we could do paternity tests and that I would be willing to pay for the costs and he said he would think about it. Two days later he phoned me again and told me that his doctor had confirmed that the baby was his and told me to stay out of their lives before sending a tirade of insulting smss.
Now my problem is what to do next.
If the baby is mine, I would definitely want to be a part of his life. I constantly have sleepless nights thinking that my son is being raised by another man. Do I walk away from what could possibly be my son for the sake of a selfish cheating ex? I don’t want to watch my son (if he is mine) from the shadows as he grows up. If he is mine, I deserve to be a part of his life and I feel that I have already lost out on much.
I am told I have no legal basis to approach the courts and ask for a paternity test as the man she is married to is deemed the legal father by the court — is this true? I realise that as time goes on I might not have any chance of ever getting to the truth as I will be asked why I didn’t raise this issue earlier. The mother of the baby will definitely never admit to the possibility of the baby being mine so what options do I have?
I don’t want this issue to come up in future and make me look like I was irresponsible. So please advise me on what steps I can take to get to the truth. If he is not mine then fine, I will have peace of mind. I know this is a very sensitive issue but in all honesty I truly deserve to know if that child is mine or not.
There are so many cases of paternity fraud where women claim maintenance from innocent men who are not the biological fathers of some children out there but in all these cases no one bothers to think of the plight of the real biological father who has been denied so much by a woman who either tossed a coin between two men to give the baby to or merely made a choice based on the financial positions of the two men she was involved with.
It is a pity our laws are so quick to demand paternity tests when it is the woman seeking to prove the paternity of a child but do not also consider the right of men who may be in my position. It is ironic that maybe years from now this same lady may decide to seek for maintenance and the courts will grant her request yet it does not recognise my right to know the identity of the biological father of this same child at this present moment.
By the look of your letter you haven’t moved on, not even an inch although you think you have done so. The truth is you are still stuck in your old world. Your letter is all about your ex, saka indirectly you still care. This is a very, very sensitive issue which may leave you more devastated if some of these issues are not handled properly. Chimwe cheupenyu chandinoda kuti uzive ndechekuti munhu nembwa hazvirevererwi nekuti unogona kuzonyara. Zvekuva nedi rakaperera zvinongoitwa kana uchitaura pamusoro pako sedungamunhu kwete uchitaura the next person. Madates auri kutaura kuti haana kumboenda kwakati nekwakati you can’t be hundred percent sure. Vakuru vanoti kure kwegava ndiko kusina mutsubvu, unombozvifungawo here kuti munhu anoda kuita chinhu chake anoshinga, anogona kukwira ndege yemangwanani odzoka neyemanheru. Ko bonde rinoswererwa here? Apa ndiri kungoda kuti don’t be too sure unozonyara kana kuzvipinza muna ndaisireva. Yeuka uyu mudzimai ave wemunhu ukamudenha nyaya yacho inorwiwa ruviri, kubva kwaari nekune murume wake. This woman was double crossing you bhora rinogona kuenda either way saka ngoma yako usairidzise dzamara mayambuka. Hongu mwana ikodzero yake kuti azive mubereki wake wechokwadi. Kurudziro yangu ndeyekuti enda kumagweta ako vakuudze nzira inobvumwa nemutemo kuti izvi zviitwe zvakare zvisingazo dongonyedza mwana kana ava vari muwanano. Good luck.
I was in love with a certain girl for almost a year in Chipinge district. Our love was characterised by quarrels because she barred all the girls from interacting with me. That was a tough situation to me since we hadn’t yet been in marriage. Due to her misunderstanding I decided to coax another girl of the same area and married her (another girl). Now she is also married to someone but she is still threatening me saying I eroded her virginity. Also she is claiming to be my wife despite her marriage. I tried to apologise but she promised me revenge using witchcraft. What can I do, mother?
Shanje idambudziko, dzimwe nguva rinonetsa kunzwisisa kana kurapa. Muongororo yanguwo ndinoona seinokonzerwa neyavanoti pachirungu inferiority complex. Kakuperevera kari mukati kati, izvi hazvinei neupfumi kana urombo nekuti zviri muhunhu hwemunhu. Ex wako is now married to another man and, for goodness sake, she should respect her marriage because this is her life. She cannot enjoy both worlds. Iwe uri murume wemudzimai wawakaroora saka hapana zvaunofanira kutaura namai ava, remekedza mhuri yako. Kunyange zvisingakurudzirwe iwe na ex wako makaita bonde musiri muwanano akarasikirwa nehumhandara hwake, ndinovimba hamuna kuita zvekubhinyana nekuti mese hamuna kutaura zvinoreva kuti makabvumirana.
Tsumo yedu inoti ‘‘yadeuka yadeuka mvura haidyorerwe’’, ndizvo zvakaita humhandara. I don’t understand this woman, how can she claim to be your wife yet she is married to another man? Kurudziro yekutanga ndeye kuti taurai nemadzitete nemadzimbuya ake kuti anoda here kuti nyaya iyi isvitswe kune murume wake nekuti kuramba uchitaura naye iye akaroorwa murwa kaviri. Akaramba achitaura zvekukuroya endai munomhan’ara kumapurisa pasha ndiswe mutemo.
As a born again, I can no longer participate muChivanhu
Kumhuri kwedu takakurira muchivanhu, tichirova makuva, nekunobvunzira mushure mekunge munhu afa zvese nekubika madoro. Iye zvino ndakatendeuka, ndakuenda kuchechi. Panonzi panodiwa mari ndinoisawo yangu, though I don’t want to be involved practically. Hama dzangu dzinondinyomba pese pandinoramba to be involved muzviitiko izvozvo and they say ndave kudada. I have tried to explain to them, but it looks like my explanations are falling on deaf ears. Mazuva ano vakutorega nekundiudza zvinenge zvichiitika ndakuita kunge mutorwa chaiye. May you help, Mai Chisamba? — Confused
Chinonzi kutendeuka haisi right about turn. Kana wasarudza nzira yaMwari zvinoreva kuti zvose zvawaiita zvisingatendedzwe nechitendero chako wotosiya. Nzira yekunamata muchokwadi haina tozombonopira, tozombonovhunzira kwaambuya vamuDutch kana kuti tombonoshandirwa. You say you still contribute kumari dzekuita chivanhu although you no longer want to be involved practically apa hapana wauri kunyengedza. Mwari wawave kushumira vanoona these back door contributions. Zvekunamata hazvina mahalf measures, it’s either uriko kana kuti hauko. Ukaona uchiri kukendenga kuti zvino vanozofunga kuti ndakudada kana kuti ndaakunge mutorwa hausati waibva muchitendero. Dada hongu nekuzivikanwa kuti hauchaenda kunorohwa makuva kana kunoendwa kugata nezvimwe zvakadaro.
Don’t waste your time trying to justify it and explaining, just pray for these people, munamato unogadzirisa zvose izvi murunyararo pasina anoti ndakanzi zvakati zvakati.
Vanhu ngavaremekedze sarudzo yako, usatambudzike nekunyombwa nekuti hazvina zvazvinokanganisa muhupenyu hwako. Vachadzoka havo pada ndiwe wakutozoponisa mhuri yekwenyu. Shinga mutendi shinga, muimbi anoti, anoda kuendako ngaazviteurire, kutendeuka idungamunhu.