The Sunday Mail
Parents are sucking us dry
Mai Chisamba, I hope I find you well. We relate to a lot of problems that people bring to this platform. I am a young man aged 33 and I am married to a beautiful woman who is 30.We have a baby daughter and my mother imposed her name on the girl but we use her middle name instead.
It is usually believed that most daughters-in-law do not get on well with vana vamwene vavo. I did my own research and its true but I want to use my family as an example maybe it will help others.
You are on record always encouraging people to call a spade a spade. This is what I am going to do. Most mothers are greedy and this is the reason why they do not get on well with our wives.
My parents live at our rural home, they have a lot of projects they do at home. They sell vegetables, chickens, dovi and the list goes on. They have milk and meat from their mombes, mbudzi and hwai.
I am the last born so they do not pay any school fees. My problem with them is they do not want to use their own funds. Yes, we are all working but we are struggling even to pay rent and utility bills but they demand and demand. We take turns to buy their provisions and send them there but they still ask for more. If they fall sick they send a message yekuda mari, if there is a church convention they ask for money, if there is any function they just demand kupuhwa mari. Yavo ichazoshanda rinhi? I know its mean but guys with deceased parents are more popular now vanhu vaneta.
When are we going to find our feet in the wake of all this nagging? All I am saying is when are they going to fend for themselves ngavaitewo please. Now some parents are like matsotsi chaiwo they go from one child to another demanding money.
They are stressing our wives day in and day out and this affects our marriages. Ndiri right handina kudyiswa chakaipa chakaipa chete. You cannot avoid them if you do not pick up your phone messages come through WhatsApp. They get in touch with you and your wife simultaneously to make sure they really rub it in. Please help I know I have written for many who could not say this.
Response
Thank you for sharing your research findings with this column, how accurate they may be is subject to debate. I hear you and I feel for you. Yes, I always encourage people to tell the truth no matter what because it helps. It is not good for people to impose their names on grandchildren or whoever because naming remains the parent’s prerogative.
They will not use the name if they do not like it and you serve as a good example. You raised a very sensitive issue but it is happening in our midst. Our culture demands that each individual fend for himself.
We encourage our children to see that their parents are comfortable only when they can. Demanding is not a good practice kuzvarwa haisi mhosva.
In life we help each other it should not be one sided even parents should give their children if they can. The begging should not be over done it truly affects other people’s marriages and budgets.
Some are even forced to borrow when their turn comes yekutumira vabereki. We as parents should tell our children not to worry if we can generate a bit of money from our produce or pensions.
Some of our people do not quite understand that working does not mean one is financially sound it is a terrible misconception.
When one is a parent you should know that your children look up to you. You will always be their role model so do not be muenzaniso wekukumbira.
Parents should keep their pride. If you do not have then it becomes another scenario you can be assisted semunhu asina. This is for those who think their money is for keeps. Its only one life, enjoy what God has given you.
Those who rejoice when they marry guys with deceased parents its taboo its un-African. You have your priorities upside down you really should be ashamed of yourselves.
Lastly let us use our phones responsibly and be in good relationships with our families. I respect you for pouring your heart out and I do not believe in kudyiswa.
Pray for your parents, friends and relatives it works. We serve a mighty and fair God. I wish you all the best.
Forced to look after our grandkids
THANK you for The Sunday Mail column. Mine is a problem I cannot share with the family because they may get the wrong idea. I am married and blessed with two sons the eldest is married and has two children. We are a working elderly couple nearing our retirement.
Our son has two children whom we are currently staying with. Two years ago our son lost his job for six months and asked us to stay with his kids during that period. His wife is employed but they are always at each other’s throat because of mismanaging their money.
When we took the children in it was like a stop gap because we stay in the same neighbourhood. The kids are still young, they are in grades four and six. Mai Chisamba, believe it or not it is like we have officially adopted the kids. We as grandparents are doing our very best with all our heart to provide for the kids.
The problem is they do not do anything meaningful for their kids. We now pay fees, buy uniforms, go to school on consultation days and feed the children. My son and his wife are so comfortable with this arrangement.
At times we ask them to take the kids when we are tied up during weekends but vanototinetsa kuti munodzoka nguvai tiunze vana. Homework is keeping us on our toes even if we indicate that they are the ones who should be doing this it does not ring a bell.
They do not even take them during the school holidays. What hurts me is muroora brags to some of our relatives kuti vana vari expensive that is why ours are being looked after by their grandparents.
We love our family but this is just not working. Please help how can we put this across without seeming insensitive?
Response
Thank you so much for writing in and well done for being loving grandparents. I understand you when you say that you do not want to be misunderstood. These days most people have a problem of just picking what they want to hear during a conversation and running off with it, no wonder why we have a lot of distortions.
You say you have tried to hint that your son and his wife should do this and that. Why do you waste your time by going in circles? It is high time you call a spade a spade.
Some people are too blind to see, some pretend not to hear, some simply ignore if it suits them. The arrangement was temporary and it is very straight forward these guys are just taking advantage of you at the expense of their children.
At your age homework can be very strenuous. You are nearing your retiring age this is the time to take it easy and slow down. It is awesome to have your grandchildren during the holidays, weekends and so forth but anything exceeding that is not a visit but a permanent arrangement.
Parents are duty bound to bring up their children in a way they deem fit. When are they going to bond with their children? What type of a mother is this muroora? I am shocked when she says it is expensive to look after children.
Kids are precious gifts from God and they should be adored. The best is to take this head on. This is your son and muroora they are part of your inner circle. Call them and have a candid talk with them.
Tell them point blank that bringing up their children is their direct responsibility. You as grandparents can only support their efforts when you can. In as much as you would like to stay with the kids your energy levels because of age have dropped.
Now is the time for you to save money so that you can age with dignity and enjoy your retirement. They should learn to pay fees for their kids, this is mandatory for every parent. Musauraye mhuri nekunyara hapana nyaya apa. You will continue to have your grandchildren as per your request. If you do it this way it will be more than a joy. Families should learn to communicate and speak openly about issues they are not happy with. Kunyepera kufara kwauraya mhuri dzakawanda. Help them with their budgets, they too are your children.
They should not take advantage of your understanding. Always pray sincerely for your families. I wish you all the best.
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I’m a victim of matchmaking
Mai Chisamba, I hope I find you well. I am 23 years old and still single. I am in a relationship with a 24-year-old guy who is unemployed. We are very much in love and I do not mind doing whatever he wants.
I am a personal assistant to my boss at a private company. I am comfortable and kumba I contribute here and there. My boyfriend has never worked, although, he is educated. It breaks my heart when my mother describes him as rovha rako. Iwo mabasa acho kusina.
We talk about the future and marriage, it is unfortunate we cannot put a date to this because of his situation. The problem is there is a certain divorcee and father of one who is proposing love to me but I just do not have feelings for him.
He drives a nice car and he is employed and quite presentable. My mother is pushing me to go for this guy but I am just cold towards him. She has gone a step further to report this to tete my father’s sister and now it is like a tag team.
Tete has said ndine shavi rehurombe rekuda kudyiwa mari nerovha. This guy has recently started staying in our neighbourhood and tete is already calling him babamudiki.
When I buy gifts or give money to my boyfriend it is not as if ndiri kunyengerera I do it with all my heart and out of love. Tete was saying uchachemberera pamusha by the time my boyfriend gets a job I will be too old. Please help me because everyone now thinks that I am chasing the wind.
When you are in a situation like mine that is when one hates tutsika twemangamanga twekuti my man has to pay lobola. I love him so much if I had my own way I would go and spend the rest of my life with him for free. I am not for sale. Should I fall for the other guy because he is rich in their eyes?
I am just fed up. Should I marry this guy before I get too old?
Response
I am very well thank you for asking. I think your family is working on a technicality; what age is too old? And too old for what? It seems now most people are getting lost they do not know what marriage is about.
It is a lifelong companionship based on genuine love. If marriage is based on looks, riches, age or any other reason that is not love then chances of it surviving are very slim. You are in a relationship you are happy with that is a big plus. Your mother is very unfair to this guy.
She is calling him names, the fact that he is not working should not be used to humiliate you. He is educated as you say that is the best foundation in life, the tables can change at any moment.
Rovha is not his name it is only the situation he finds himself in because of our economy. That is not his own making. The guy they are pushing you to fall for is new in your neighbourhood. The fact that he is divorced has to be established whether it is true or not.
He is a father of one and already has broken his vows why? Where is the mother of the child and what is the arrangement between them for the child? Is their divorce legally through?
There are so many questions that need to be answered before this guy can be considered. You are a major according to the law you can decide what you want to do with your life but we are people with a culture that moulds us.
Our culture demands that your husband pays lobola in order for him to be accepted by the clan. Do not look down upon this. It is just unfortunate that the man of your dreams is not financially sound otherwise hatusi tutsika twenhando.
Amai and tete are really pushing it and some of the things that they are saying are very untoward. Hapana shavi rehurombe apa kana kuchemberera pamusha.
People should learn to respect God’s time. I always say no one can fast forward or rewind it. My advice is that people should marry for love only. Continue with the man of your dreams and pray about the situation now and it shall be well.
Parents and elders out there please do not mislead the youth by considering tangible assets that can be lost instead of real and true love.
When you give whole heartedly nyaya yekudyiwa haimbofungika. Instead of just giving your boyfriend balance your act and also think of family and friends. I wish you all the best.
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