The Sunday Mail
I beat up my sister
Thank you so much for this column. Things are not going on well between me and my sister. I am the older one. I am 27 and she turns 25 in September and we share my apartment. She is engaged and soon will be getting married. My sister and I are opposites. She is an extreme extrovert and the last born in a family of four; two sisters and two brothers. We are both professionals. My apartment is two-bedroomed and is located in town.
My sister, prior to moving in with me was a lodger in the ghetto for two years. She would always complain about how the landlord treated them and kungokumbirwa zvinhu every now and then. I went to see her and felt so bad afterwards. The landlord was harassing them for wasting water, bringing too many visitors and a host of other accusations.
This is the day I told my sister that if she wanted she could come and share the apartment with me provided we share the expenses equally. Yes, my sister has a lot of friends and some of them are a bit unruly, this includes her fiancé. A fortnight ago I went out for a workshop, which ended on a Thursday. I decided to drive back that night instead of coming back on Friday as I had told my sister.
I almost fainted when I unlocked the door and got into the house. My sister was asleep with her fiancé in their bedroom and babamudiki’s friend and girlfriend in my bed. Strangers in my bedroom, I lost my temper and had a physical fight with my sister. The lounge was upside down, empty beer bottles and tobacco ash everywhere. The kitchen was filthy and filled with unwashed dishes in the sink.
I phoned our parents, they were so hurt vakati murove ibenzi but I had already done that. I sent the friends out that night, my muramu was so ashamed and apologised. I was so angry I started cleaning up and finished my bed linen laundry by midnight. Since then there has been bad blood between us, I cannot forgive my sister. During the night she said kushaya murume kunokupengesa, zviri kundirwadza amai.
My parents have recommended that I kick her out. I am confused, I do not know what to do. We are not talking, she has not apologised, it’s only babamudiki who shows remorse. I regret ever taking her in.
Response
Thank for writing in and for being a good sister. At times elder sisters are like mothers to their younger siblings. I want you to rewind to the day when you saw your sister being harassed by the landlord. It was painful you sacrificed your peace and comfort just to make sure your sibling was not treated like a second class citizen.
You can only do that when you truly love someone. Even during that moment of madness when you had the physical fight you did not send her out into the cold because of love, blood is always thicker than water. Your sister needs to grow up she is engaged for marriage and with this type of behavior it will not work. What kind of a wife/mother is she going to be. She has no respect for other people’s space.
Why did she allow these two strangers to get into your bed? I know two wrongs do not make a right but it would have been better if they had given their bedroom to their friends ivo vopinda mako. People keep their valuables in their bedrooms. It is your private space, how could she allow this for goodness sake? Why was she not taking good care of the house?
She has proved to be very untrue. In your absence would have been the best time for them to show that they are a responsible couple. I would advise you to control your temper, only animals fight when they are in conflict. People have died or been maimed during such scuffles. You are angry and your parents are equally upset that is why they are advising you to kick her out.
You know it is easier said than done. Sit down with your sister and her fiancé and tell them how you feel. She has not said sorry pamwe kutonyara kushaya pekutangira and this will be the chance. I am happy babamudiki has done it already. Do not push them out immediately, give them notice to vacate. They are not kids anymore they should learn to fend for themselves. Bad habits die hard, maybe this is one of the reasons why they did not get along with her former landlord.
Sort your differences out amicably, remember she is your only sister and you need each other. Tell her to retract what she said to you during the fight. Whether you have a husband or not, you remain her sister. People only marry when their God given time is up. I wish you all the best.
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Vitz yoputsa hukama
I am a civil servant and I am writing this letter on behalf of my fellow colleagues from our department.
There is a guy who is so mean and who also likes to play poor, he never buys anything. He is married and has two kids. During tea time he goes into different offices taking advantage of people who bring their own packed lunches or buy food. Mai Chisamba, muchinda anokwata iyeye. We have a club where we collect money for lunch every month end so that we are covered right through. Believe it or not he is not a member but he gets away with murder, he eats every day.
He goes round achikwereta mari from offices most of the time he succeeds because he borrows amounts ranging from $1 dollar to $5. Many people have fallen prey and in most cases he does not pay back and because the amounts are small zvinonyadza kunetsera munhu dollar or so. He is always talking about his sad background, the way he and his brothers suffered during their youth.
They would go and herd cattle for their neighbours just to make a living. I can write a book about this guy but let me cut a long story short. We have a lift club, one of my friends owns a car, the rest of us pay our dues. This guy in some cases would start looking for coins from one pocket to another until the owner says tsano do not worry. The reason why we have written is just recently he pulled a shocker and bought a Vitz. Where did he get the money from?
We feel short-changed, he owes people money here, he is a cheat. Since he bought his car he now brings food from home. Why now munhu aitidyira zvinhu zvedu? He is so changed he now keeps to himself naiko ka Vitz chaiko. He has forgotten that he was looked after like a baby. Is there a way to force him to pay our money or refund in some way? The car was the eye opener because after that people discovered they had been played and they openly started talking about him.
Response
Thank you for your letter, wow what a complaint. Yes it is a good thing for people to be self sufficient, how can a husband and a father march to work without any provisions? I would have expected such a letter from primary school kids who misuse their money then end up begging, not from adult offices. In our culture we do not encourage our kids or adults to just eat around. Way back it was a crime that warranted a hiding. Baba is the head of the family and should lead by example.
Playing poor is a very bad habit but it is very common in families, work places or even in churches the list goes on. When you thank God for what he does for you, more will be given to you. If people want to give they will just give. This guy itsotsi chairo and he does not ask for much but the little he asks for adds up. I am not supporting him but from the look of things it seems you are now jealous of the progress he has made.
How can you say where did he get the money from. I think he saved it and never disturbed his investments because teas and lunches were readily available at work. In Shona we have an adage which says “shiri yakangwara inovaka dendere neminhenga yedzimwe shiri” maybe that’s the case, who knows. A car is a car as long as it serves the purpose, yes ka Vitz chaiko is a wonderful acquisition. Why do you sound so bitter about this? If I were in your shoes I would keep my pride and leave this guy alone unless he has a legal obligation to pay back.
You used to help him because you all thought he was poor now you want to reverse that. It is a lesson for the future, do not easily part with small money because it adds up. I am not saying do not help each other, I am just saying be more conscious of your finances. To this guy I say mangwana ndinhasi never bite the hand that feeds you. Enjoy your lunch and lift clubs, you work together you are family. Please let this guy enjoy his Vitz.
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HELLO Mai Chisamba, I hope I find you well. I am a big fan of yours.
I am a handsome, smart, educated and gainfully employed guy. When I grew up I was very different in character from most of my friends, I was not into dating. When I was 28 most of my family members became concerned about my lack of interest in women. My grandmother even suggested that we go to a traditionalist because they thought there was something seriously wrong with me. I refused to sink that low when I knew I was OK.
As I write this letter, my mother and sisters ganged up and got me a girl. This girl was not appealing to me but they pushed so hard until I gave in and started dating her just to prove that I was no different from the other guys. My eldest sister in the States is always showering this girl with gifts and money. I have been going out with this girl for the past eighteen months, the truth is I just do not love her. I do not see myself spending the rest of my life with her. I am 30 and she is 26. I tried as much as possible to ignore her but rinenge zongororo anongouya chete. I have tried to talk to amai but she will not listen, she just says une dhimoni risingaite.
I do not know what my father thinks about this since he does not say anything about it. I have just befriended another girl in our hood and I feel I can be with her for life. My mother and sisters are throwing spanners at me. They really make an effort to put this girl off vanotoita kunge ndiri married to the other one.
I am very particular about how I do my things. I like to have order in my room, I care about what I eat and even the company that I keep but my girlfriend is the opposite. I was shocked when this girl told me that they are planning for lobola without my knowledge.
I love and respect my mother but handidi kuitirwa speed yakadai. She has told this girl that I cannot say no to whatever she wants. This I cannot take, how do I wriggle out of this rubbish? This girl now comes home to do laundry, cook and clean around when she is free. Our mothers have become best friends, I am under so much pressure. Please assist.
Response
I am very well, thank you so much for your letter and your support. You say you do your things in style and in a certain manner but I wonder just how true this is. If your mother and sisters can match make for you and you sheepishly accept and date a girl you do not love then you are the opposite of what you are claiming to be.
The first mistake was to say, yes, instead of no. You do not waste someone’s time by trying to prove to your family that you are a real man and that hauna dhimoni. Eighteen months is a long time, you have been taking this girl as a guinea pig. That is cruelty at its worst. From your letter I can tell that your family lacks communication. Why is you father silent about this? Why can you not speak to him about this, is he not approachable? Now they are planning for you to pay loblola, how do they do this without your input? Where is the money coming from?
Please usakumirwe semombe yakaumbwa. If truth be told you have no feelings for this girl for goodness sake, do not prolong this charade, let her know the truth today. Time is money, it is her right to know. I know she will be heartbroken and feel used but it is better than to be pushed into an unhappy marriage because of other people’s reasons.
Marriage is a lifelong and genuine companionship and it can only survive where there is true love. I know this is very unfair to the girl but she is better alone than with a false lover. I hope and pray that she will get someone who will really appreciate her. What you did is wrong but it is better to let go now.
It seems this girl is in the fast track too, anouya kuzoita mabasa ipapo saniko? If you have feelings for the other girl in your hood, do the noble thing and let her know otherwise you will lose her to other guys. Sit down with your parents and sisters and pour out your heart.
Ivo vana mai vanga vatohakira inga zvichanyadza nhai. You do not ignore a person, you tell her how you feel. Next time do not let your mum and sisters control you. I hope this will not create bad blood among you.
You may say this girl was like a zongororo, the same goes for you because waitiswa zvausingade saka manga masangana. Finally you should always be true to yourself and treat others fairly and with respect. The truth will set you free. I would be happy to hear from you.
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