The Sunday Mail
Wife playing Santa Claus
I married my wife out of pure love, she is not very educated or the working class type.
We have been married for a decade and we have two kids who go to primary school. I love my family and I work tooth and nail to provide for them. We are comfortable in our own small way, hatirare nenzara.
I am not a mean person as such but my wife is very unreasonable. She gives away groceries willy-nilly to people in the neighbourhood. She has so many friends mumaraini and most of them ndivana tinokumbirawo. At times I think she does that because haazive kunetsa kwemari nebasa.
I prefer buying the basic things for the month so that there is no running around mid-month and so on. Hazvisvike kupera kwemwedzi, before you know it there is no this, there is no that, I helped so and so. I am getting tired of this. Last weekend I returned a child who had been sent to ask for cooking oil empty handed. I just said nesuwo hatina before my wife even responded. She was not amused zvanzi mandinyadzisa.
Every month I make sure my family has enough provisions. I wanted to send her home for two months as punishment but I do not want my kids to suffer vachibika vega, they are still young. I do not want us to have a misunderstanding over this, how do I handle it? She is the Santa Claus of our neighbourhood. If she continues on this path I will send her to my rural home kwaanoswera achifudza mombe ne weave yake. She is so wasteful. I do not own a bank amai, things are tough for everyone.
Response
The fact that she is your wife means you love her. Love should be the deciding factor of any marriage. Education and jobs are mere cushions although they are equally important. For a marriage to function well, people should plan together as a couple. What you are doing for the family is very commendable, keep it up. Despite all that I think you are missing something great according to your letter, you are talking about yourself only. I make sure I do this and that. Why is your wife not involved? It is very important for her to be part and parcel of the budget.
Does she know how much you earn? Does she take part in deciding what should be bought or not? Even if you buy the things let your wife do the calculations and provide the grocery list. You need to discuss what quantities you need for a period of time so that she knows kuti tikapfachura zvinhu hazvisvike kwatakaronga.
If you work together as a couple you will have less problems, be open to each other. Surely you cannot spend all the money on groceries, there are so many other things that need your attention, for instance, health issues, school fees, rentals, utility bills, the list goes on. I agree things are tough for everyone but to liken your wife to Father Christmas is a bit too much. Yes it is good to help especially when it comes from the heart but she should also think of her family because they are just as important as those people she assists.
To friends out there I say we should not reduce ourselves to beggars, always knocking on other neighbours doors asking for one thing or another, this is a bad habit. Asking for cooking oil from a neighbour, aiwa ndiyo miyedzo this is not a necessity, one can easily do without it. People should try as much as possible to be self-sufficient. Your wife is your better half, the love of your life, please do not treat her as such.
Punishment yekunofudza mombe kumusha, ko mombe ne weave zvabatana papiko apa? Help your wife to be responsible, it is good for your marriage. There is nothing wrong about going kumusha and kufudza mombe but do not use it as punishment. Always work together as man and wife, it is also good to improve each other education wise, it opens many doors. Learning does not end. Through hard work and perseverance you might end up owning a bank, life is full of surprises. I wish you all the best.
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In love with sister’s hubby
MY guilty conscience is killing me but I just cannot stop. My family set-up goes like this, I have one sister and one brother.
I am the last born so my beloved sister took me in when our parents retired from work and went to stay at our rural home. We are very tight, we are more of friends than siblings. I have been in love with babamukuru, my sister’s hubby for the past five years. I mean real love I do not want to lie and say he raped me. He proposed and I gladly accepted.
My sister has two kids, a boy and a girl. She is a wonderful mother and wife but babamukuru insists that he loves me more and it is just unfortunate. We are all Christians, we all go to church and pray daily as a family before we go to bed, my sister derives great joy from it.
I have betrayed my sister’s love and trust by having an affair with her husband. I do not want to destroy my sister’s marriage but now I am scared of what will happen if she finds out.
My parents and brother will be more than disappointed, baba vangu vanondiponda havadi nonsense. My sister travels a lot, her job is very demanding. Each time she goes out she brings wonderful gifts for us and she showers me with praises for being a wonderful and responsible sister.
When my sister is away I remain babamukuru’s wife. They have an elderly woman for a maid and it seems she has discovered that we are love birds. A few weeks ago she just said to me from nowhere chenjerai kuita zvinouraisa mukoma. I tried to make her explain what she meant vakati unozviziva. I told babamukuru he said he would rather fire the maid.
Please help me I am 24 years old, I cannot date any other man, I love my sister’s husband and he will not let me do that.
He now has given me very difficult options, the first is for him to divorce my sister and marry me or ini ndoita second wife.
He says we cannot carry on like this, we have to make it official because of the overwhelming love we have for each other. I am a university graduate today because of my sister, even kubasa kwandiri ndivo vakanditsvagira. Babamukuru is a great lover and love is sweet, zviri better ndezvipi? As I write this letter, my sister is out of the country. I am just confused.
Response
The worst thing a normal person with a conscience can do is to bite the hand that feeds them. You are making a mockery of your religion by the way you live. I just have a five-letter word in Shona that describes your behaviour, ‘benzi’.
You are a disgrace and you should be ashamed of yourself. In this letter you raised some points that show you have the capacity to reason, for instance, realising kuti baba havadi nonsense, saka uri kurasika papi?
If this is nonsense then why are you continuing with this affair? You admit that you have betrayed your sister’s love and trust, why? You go on to say that you do not want to destroy your sister’s marriage but this is what you are doing. If babamukuru now genuinely prefers you to be his wife then your sister is done and you will have caused the breakdown.
What kind of a woman are you who accepts a married man’s proposal? This type of arrangement reduces you to a prostitute and the worst bit about it is your client is your brother-in-law. What goes on in your mind when your sister calls you wonderful and responsible? You do not love your sister, you pretend to, you are backstabbing her.
You have to put your house in order, already the maid has picked up on this and before you know it this could be all over. My advice is for you to reject babamukuru’s options because they are all no good. Go to tete or ambuya mogara navo pasi nababamukuru, confess and ask for forgiveness from your sister. This is going to be a very bitter pill for your sister to swallow but that is the only way to go. It is better for her to get it from the horse’s mouth than from the neighbourhood. If you really care for your sister leave babamukuru. You are young and full of potential.
There are so many guys who are available, do not be taken advantage of. I suggest you look for alternative accommodation, that will help you forget about babamukuru.
Tete should also take this issue to your parents, it is important to hear what they have to say. Pray sincerely for God’s intervention and deliverance and never soil yourself with such affairs. Please keep me posted.
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We steal from each other
Thank you for this platform, mine is a problem I am even shy to share with a friend or relative.
In our home, we lack trust. My wife down plays what she earns and I do likewise.
In our bedroom tinobirana mari but you cannot ask because we hide in very unusual places. The only sign is the mood of the other spouse that tells the other kuti wandivhara. We have never spoken about this Mai Chisamba, matsotsi haagerane.
When I am not at home she goes through my stuff and I confess I do likewise. The reason why I am writing is I no longer want this kind of life to continue, it is destroying us. Yes, she usually takes amounts ranging from $20-$50 but this time she went a gear up and stole my $200, this I can’t take anymore ndiyo pfimbi yangu yese.
I am not speaking to her, she is ignoring me too. I have never taken as much from her so she must be ashamed of herself. I no longer have anything of value to go and sell so that I recover my money. We have been married for 15 years and we are people of good standing in the society. We are parents to two lovely boys, both teenagers. She now is really pushing me against the wall. I do not want us to fight over this but this is not fair. Please help.
Response
Thank you for writing in, what a home, what a family. Fifteen years of marriage shows that you are no longer kids. How did this start? You are stealing from yourselves because each one of you is greedy and very selfish. You are one person, what is hers is rightfully yours. What is the reason for downplaying your earnings?
How can you make progress in your life if you do not declare what you earn? What do you do with the money you steal from each other? You are your children’s role models, they look up to you so do not let them down. I hope none of the kids will pick up such character traits from you guys.
Marriage is about total trust, if you cannot do this then you are not for it. True matsotsi haagerane as the adage says but for goodness sake, please do not brag about it, it is disastrous. Stealing is stealing, one who steals $200 and the other who steals $1 hapana akanaka makororo ese. Please do not continue this by taking something valuable from her to go and sell. I believe you have written to this column so that we can work together and try to permanently stop this vice. There is no need to blame each other here because you are both guilty.
All you need to do now is go back to the drawing board and start by telling each other your real salaries. You owe each other an apology, do not hide anything from your spouse you never know when it might matter most. Munofa makaviga mari mhuri ikatambura. I am glad you do not want this kind of life to continue. Engage a professional counsellor who will go back step by step with both of you. Pour out and tell her what your fears were when you started this dirty game.
The counsellor will also help you regain trust in your marriage because without it your marriage will not work. This is a lifelong companionship you need each other all the way. Your home should be conducive for the upbringing of your kids. Life and love are valuable assets so do not get carried away. Always pray for your family. I would be happy to hear from you again.
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