The Sunday Mail
Father wants back in after 22 years
I am torn apart, I do not know what to do.My mother was impregnated at the age of 18 but my father refused to marry her saying she was not in the same class as him. My mother worked as a nurse and put me through school with the help of her brothers.I am gainfully employed and in a serious relationship. I grew up as a normal boy although I was keen to know about my father. I carry my mother’s surname because he did not want to be involved in my life.
After his encounter with my mother 22 years ago, he married another woman and they were blessed with a daughter. That woman with whom my father had this child passed on two years ago and my father is trying hard to rekindle his relationship with my mother after so many years.
He has confronted me, cried and apologised. It is a long story but I am trying to cut it short. I sat down with my mother because we have a strong bond and she is also my best friend and we discussed this issue.
To my surprise my mother is willing to accept my father’s request. She said she loved him so much that is why she remained single after he left her, he is the love of her life.
Mai Chisamba, zvichaitawo here izvi? To tell the truth I have not forgiven him because of what my mother went through, neniwo vakandiramba. Sekuru, my mother’s father, is very bitter and vows that he does not want to see him because he humiliated the family and my mother.
He told my mother that if she so wished she could go for free vobva vadambura ukama. Before this my mother’s side of the family was so tight but this has brought a lot of confusion and quarrel.
Gogo and some of her brothers have said they do not want to be involved in that issue.
Please assist me, my mother is my life and I do not want her to go through a rough patch again. I know what she went through although I was young. I do not want her to be taken advantage of again ini am quite happy with my sekuru’s name. My father is no better than a stranger to me as it stands.
Response
This is a catch 22 situation — kutsva kudumbu nekumusana. I understand your concern and you have made me understand the bond between you and your mother, you are a great son. I also understand the reason for your confusion, the person in the thick of things seems to be going the wrong direction whilst you are trying to protect her.
Love is very difficult to understand as you can see your mother still wants to give it a go despite whatever happened 22 years ago. Forgiving your father does not necessarily mean that you change your surname and start communicating with him every day, all you need is to bury the bitterness. If indeed he is your father kuvada kana kusavada he remains your dad.
Twenty two years is a very long time, you need space to come to terms with this. As for sekuru, I cannot really put a finger on why but I think in his heart the issue has not been dealt with accordingly kubvira pakutanga. Your father in my view should engage a munyai and family representatives to come and clear the old case first. Vana sekuru vataure zvavanoda pasati patanga chikamu chepiri.
Your parents also should realise that so much has happened over the two decades that they were apart and should treat this as a new courtship if they are in agreement. Family is very important and people should not get carried away to the extent of stopping to try and keep the family intact. Your mother should find out issue ye ‘class’ yavakambosiirwa kareko kuti yazogadzirika sei?
True love has no class and she should not enter into a marriage of convenience. As I said the whole thing is tricky, you need to pray and get God’s guidance. I would have really wanted to speak to your father, unfortunately I only respond to the writer.
If he really wants to move on he will have no problem nekuzvirereka vachigadzirisa pavakatadzira mhuri yamai vako. Do keep in touch so that we take this step by step I wish you all the best.
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Is my neighbour after my wife?
Thank you so much for your column in The Sunday Mail. I am a married 40-year-old man and my wife is 36.
We are blessed with two kids, all boys. I am a teacher by profession. I teach at a local school and my wife is a secretary. We do not have a car of our own but a neighbour who lives a few houses down our road gives my wife a lift everyday to and from.
To begin with, he used to carry two other women from our road but the other two have since stopped, they now use kombis.
I asked my wife why and she said he has since raised the fare from 50c to $1. This guy is married and half the time his wife stays at their rural home. Mai Chisamba, I am not saying there is anything between these two but my sixth sense is tingling. Everyday vachifamba vari two kana ndimiwo?
At times my wife finishes late but this good guy waits just to make sure my wife is safely delivered at her door step. My wife calls me baba vaTendai, I do not mind because that is my eldest son’s name and many people do that but she addresses this guy by his totem kuti Matemai. I wonder how she got to know that. I have not spoken to my wife about my suspicions but it is killing me because my imagination is running wild.
At one time I thought of stopping her from going to work completely but she brings more money than I do and we work well together budget wise. Hapana chandati ndabata so far, how long will I keep quiet? I now hate this guy with a passion and I have lost trust in my wife. Please help I am desperate.
Response
Thank you for writing in, combined budgets play a pivotal role in most marriages. Congratulations for being a couple that works well when it comes to that, that is a big plus. The adage that says cut your shirt according to the material you have should be taken into account all the time. If you do not have a car use public transport and you will not have any problems.
In cases of emergency then you can ask your neighbours to help out, prevention is always better than cure. The problem here now is based on suspicion and you cannot be a hundred percent right.
You did not catch these people in the act and they are not playing hide and seek either because your wife is picked up at your door step in broad day light and later dropped off in the same manner at the end of the day. The neighbour could just be a good Samaritan. I think the best way is to talk to your wife and tell her you are not happy about this arrangement.
How did this arrangement come into being zvakatangwa nani and why? It seems you were ok with this until the other two ladies stopped, for your information munhu anozvichengeta ega.
Do not be abrupt your wife should tell this good Samaritan that she will not be needing the lift may be because of schedule changes at her work place or something polite.
Remember this guy may be innocent so you do not want to start anything that you may regret later and also he remains a neighbour, you do not know when you may be forced to call upon him for help. I know a lot of people worry about what others may say after this vanhu vagara vanotaura be it positive or negative but it will come to pass.
In life you have to concentrate on running your own race and doing the best for yourself and others. Never entertain selfish and backward thoughts like stopping your spouse from going to work whether she brings more or less, it is good for the family.
I do not understand why you do not tell your wife to call you by your totem if you like it. She is all yours tell her. Last but not least, please do not begrudge your neighbour because of suspicion. Marriage is based on trust, without that you will not enjoy it so please revise your stance. Praying for your family is an added advantage because God answers prayer. I wish you all the best!
I HAVE a nagging problem, I am a 26-year-old woman and I have four O-Level passes.
I am quite enlightened, handisi bharanzi. I have been very unfortunate in love, several of my relationships have failed I do not know if it is my fault or the problem is with the type of guys I date. I lost both of my parents at a very tender age so I grew up as mwana wehama.
I moved from one home to another until my eldest brother started working. He is like our father because we all look up to him. When he got married I was thrilled to have someone who would fit into my beloved mother’s shoes ndichigarawo panzvimbo imwe chete.
Just two years into their marriage I could see that my sister-in-law did not want me to permanently stay at their place although she had found me there. I am an only girl in a family of four. The treatment I am getting at my age is killing me and has reduced my self-esteem.
I am now like a mobile maid pakangowana weukama or my muroora’s friend without a domestic worker I am sent there to go and help out. I do not like this at all, most of these people are complete strangers, I do not feel comfortable in their homes.
These people are told not to pay me because kungobatsira. My parents’ home now rave dongo, I would have gone back. I am very unhappy about what is going on, as I write this letter I am at one of my sister-in-law’s friend’s house where I am both the house maid and babysitter because their maid walked out on them.
Handirare nebasa Mai Chisamba, and mukadzi wacho treats me as if akandinhonga mubin. I do not know what they discussed with my muroora because she brought more clothes for me.
Does this mean I am going to stay here longer? For how long am I going to live like an outcast? How can I stop being constantly humiliated? I am broken and on the very edge. Once I overheard muroora and her friends vachiti ndiri mukadzi wechikwambo.
Response
The treatment you are getting makes me very sad. There is no need to look down upon yourself, you need to raise your self-esteem.
You are only 26 years old and there is still a lot you can achieve in life. Having four O-Level passes shows you are not dull so why do you not improve your education?
Learning does not end, you have what it takes and you can do it girl. You say you have been unfortunate in love, do not worry about that it could be just a bad patch, it will come to pass. True love will locate you, just wait for God’s time and when it comes zvinoita zvega because true and happy marriages are made in heaven, you do not have to impose yourself.
I know how it feels to lose your parents at a tender age because I lost my mother when I was a teenager.
You have to be strong and believe in yourself in order to move on. For your information, you are a major, you are entitled to make your own decisions. How can your muroora decide that you go to help out for free as if she is the one working?
That should come from you not her, you are not a slave you do not work for free unless you decide to do so. Your brother took you in to make sure you are happy and protected, ndivo baba vako mutsika dzedu saka uri kundundurutswa kudaro achiti ndicho chii? I suggest that you go and talk to your brother and muroora, tell them the truth and pour your heart out.
Ask them why they are always sending you out without even consulting you first. You have three brothers, you can choose where to go at any given time. You need to speak to the other siblings. You will be surprised that your brother may not be in the picture of some of these things.
I do not think what you overheard about you being mukadzi wechikwambo is true but let muroora tell you where she got her information from.
You need to break these chains, education and prayer will see you through. Stand up and be counted, you can start with some small projects just as a stepping stone.
You have your rights so do not let the woman you are helping now enslave you, say no to that. I will give you contacts where you can get professional counselling to regain your confidence. All I can say to your muroora is kana muchikwira gomo kwazisai varikudzika zvinhu zvinoshanduka. Pray for her we do not pay for sin in the same coin.
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