The Sunday Mail
Davison & Gwendoline Kanokanga
A conflict may be defined as a clash due to different principles, personalities or perspectives which leads to stress or tension in a relationship or a situation. In any relationship, conflict is inevitable. The marital relationship is not an exception. Though conflict is inevitable, it is not God’s ideal. God’s ideal is peace. Jesus is the Prince of peace. As the Prince of peace, his desire is to see people living in peace. This is why, in a number of cases in the Bible, people are exhorted to live at peace with each other. For instance, we are told,
“Make every effort to live in peace with all men and be holy” – Hebrews 12:14
The Bible also instructs us to seek and pursue peace. It says, “Keep your tongue from evil and your lips from speaking lies. Turn from evil and do good; seek peace and pursue it” – Psalm 34:13-34
God expects all of us to do what we can to live at peace with everyone. You should live at peace with your spouse. Your home should not be a war zone.
What causes marital
conflicts?
There are many factors that give rise to conflict. Let us consider some of these factors.
Human Make-Up
Man is a tripartite being. The Apostle Paul brought this point clearly when he wrote; “ . . . May your whole spirit, soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ” – 1 Thessalonians 5:23
Man is a spirit with a soul and lives in a body. This being the case, you can as an individual all by yourself, experience conflict between your spirit and your flesh or between your soul and your spirit. The disciples of Jesus had this experience in the garden of Gethsemane. The experience which the disciples had in the garden of Gethsemane is recorded in the Bible thus;
“Then Jesus went with his disciples to a place called Gethsmane, and he said to them, “Sit here while I go over there to pray . . . ” Then he returned to his disciples and found them sleeping. “Could you men not keep watch with me for one hour? he asked Peter. Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing but the body is weak” – Matthew 26:36, 40 – 41.
From the above scriptures it is clear that the disciples experienced conflict between the spirit and the body. Apostle Paul also wrote about this kind of conflict. This is what he had to say;
“So I say, live by the spirit and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature. For the sinful nature desires what is contrary to the spirit, and the spirit what is contrary to the sinful nature. They are in conflict with each other, so that you do not do what you want,” Galatians 5:16-17
You do not necessarily have to be in a relationship in order for you to experience conflict. You can find yourself in a state of conflict all by yourself. There can be conflict between your soul and your spirit in as much as there can be conflicts between your body and your spirit.
Now, if you can have conflict all by yourself, can you imagine how much conflict there can be if you are married to someone who like you can also experience conflict all by himself or herself!
Male / Female Differences
The creation of mankind is recorded in the Bible in the following terms; “So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him, male and female he created them,” Genesis 1:27.
Men are not the same as women. The way men think, approach issues and communicate is different from the way women think, approach issues and communicate.
For instance: “When men are under pressure, they brood or go to a hockey game and scream for blood. Women eat chocolates and go shopping. A man can go into a room full of people and leave after two hours, not knowing a soul. A woman can go into a public bathroom and make friends with a perfect stranger as they compare the make-up they use. We are different” – Diana Hagee, “What Every Woman Wants In A Man” page 95.
In the sexual arena, it is significant to note that: “As a general guideline, a woman needs to be emotionally fulfilled before she can long for sexual contact. A man, however, gets much of his emotional fulfillment during sex” – John Grey – Mars & Venus In The Bedroom – page 16
Men and women are by God’s design different. When it comes to sex, men are like grass which quickly catches fire and quickly dies down while women are like coal which takes time to heat up but once it heats up it takes time to die down.
These differences cannot be changed. In fact, it is a stubborn fact that: “A woman cannot be like a man, and a man cannot be like a woman, because each is divinely different from the other – and that fact will never change. God created man and woman that way, and the sooner you adjust to and accept it, the happier you will be,” John Hagee, What Every Man Wants In A Woman – page 21.
Stop trying to change your spouse to be like you. Instead of fighting over your differences, you should learn to celebrate your differences. Remember that:
“Marriage is an attempt to blend together two distinctly different individuals with differing backgrounds, values, personalities and male/female distinctives. Conflicts under those conditions are inevitable” – Bob & Jan Horner – Resolving Conflict in Marriage – page 27
The devil
While God promotes unity, the devil promotes and sponsors division. While God is after relational harmony, the devil is after relational disharmony. The devil’s threefold ministry is explicitly stated in the scriptures. Jesus told us that, “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy” – John 10:10
While God wants you to rejoice, the devil wants to steal your joy. While God does not want anything to put you as a couple asunder, the devil wants to divide and put you asunder. The devil knows that a house divided cannot stand.
He can sow seeds of disharmony between you and your spouse. He can blind you to the good in your spouse and magnify your spouse’s weaknesses. The devil can deceive you into thinking that your spouse is the problem that needs to be solved when in fact the devil will be the problem in your marriage.
Therefore stop fighting him or her. Remember that your struggle “ . . . is not against flesh and blood, but against the rules, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms,” Ephesians 6:12.
The devil can create unnecessary misunderstandings between you and your spouse. He can cause you to accuse each other and create confusion in your marriage. This is why it is important for you to be sober and vigilant. You should put on the full armour of God and resist the devil. When you resist the devil, he will flee.
Defective Communication
Communication is the means by which we seek to know and understand each other. In the absence of good communication you will neither know nor understand each other.
Ambiguous communication can give rise to conflict because it is subject to different interpretations. Poor listening skills can also give rise to conflict. There are different types of listening. There is pseudo listening where one pretends to be listening when he or she is in fact, not listening.
There is also selective listening where the listener chooses what to listen to and what not to listen to. He or she is a selective listener. Surface listening is that kind of listening which is just enough to keep the conversation going. The other type of listening is called protective listening. Here the listener listens in such a way that he or she is protected from possible hurt by the speaker.
All these types of listening are defective. What is needed to achieve good communication is effective listening. One listens to both the facts and the feelings behind the words being spoken. The listener does not just listen but must be seen to be listening, his or her body language must show that one is listening. An effective listener hears the speaker’s message without any distortion. Different perspectives, foolishness and arrogance also cause conflict in marriages. However, marriage is not for the foolish.
Davison & Gwendoline Kanokanga; Founders & Trustees of The Marriage Centre: www.themarriagecentre.com; Founders & Senior Pastors of Impact Christian Centre: www.impactchristiancentre.net
