Married to a momma’s boy

Married to a momma’s boy

I have been married for the past nine years. I am blessed with two beautiful kids. In all honesty, I am married to a momma’s boy, who is attached to his mother. When we got married, he said we would stay with the in-laws for two months tops. It has been almost a decade now.

I cannot even get him to consider moving out. I had midziyo yandandakachengetesa vanhu mumaraini, they ended up giving me back my things stating that I had turned their homes into storage facilities. When he comes back from work he speaks to his mom. I feel neglected. They talk about work and do evening prayers in her room. He even takes his private calls in her room. He only speaks to me when he wants to be intimate.

He makes all financial plans with his mom, but insists to know what I spend my money on. My mother-in-law is unapproachable. I told sekuru, her brother, about this and he got very upset. I think, he fears her even more than l do. I have tried the church route and it did not bear any dividends. I even went back to my parents’ place for a while, but I was told to go back. How can I get him to value me and assume responsibility?

Response

I am sorry about what is going on in your life. I am particularly affected by the fact that you are sad and feeling neglected all the time. It is good to honour one’s parents, but once you get married there are other priorities and responsibilities that must be addressed. He sounds like he is married to his mom. Where is your father-in-law? He could help put amwene in line. He should encourage his son to be a man and stand on his own. It is good that you yearn for your independence. Staying apart is healthy and it lessens unnecessary tension. I think it is time for a complete 360 if you are going to save your marriage. I think all three of you must go for therapy. Clearly, there are camps in your family and the house is divided. Everyone’s perspective must be heard if there is any hope of saving this union. I am especially disappointed in this amwene who is taking her son away from his wife and her grandchildren. Stay upbeat and try and reclaim the years you have felt alone in this marriage. If he does not want to stop being babied by his mother, then maybe ultimately you may have to leave him and his mother to be. Family is supposed to be inclusive. To all the readers, please aim to respect relationship boundaries and accommodating everyone. I wish you well.

Suffering in silence

I am suffering in silence. I got married in 2016. My wife already had a child outside of the relationship and so did I. It did not seem like a problem at the time. We now have one child together. She is more financially stable than me and tends to want to call the shots because of that.

My child stays kumusha and her child stays with us in town. I want my child to come and stay with us and live a better life. She told me that since she finances everything and all I do is fend for my child, I should make the necessary arrangements if I so wish. I was taken aback by her words. I am now suffering in silence. What must I do to turn this difficult corner in my life?

Response

Let me start off by expressing my discomfort with what is going on in your marriage. This talk of “her child” and “my child” is unthinkable. You are a family and you must put up a united front. Having more money than your partner does not give you leverage in a relationship. You are equals and both bring something to the table. I think she is frustrated with you, but she chose to air out her frustrations in the worst possible manner.

Explain to her why you are struggling financially as compared to her. From the look of things, it really seems like you are. This is a passing phase, the tables may turn and you could out-earn her one day. What needs to be adjusted is not just your finances, but the mindset. You need to have a candid talk with each other and agree to do things as a family. Get that child to live with you and his siblings, and start acting like a family. Work hard and try to provide for your family as well. If it is going to work, everyone needs to put their best foot forward. Do not struggle in silence.

Bitten off more than I can chew

I am a 24-year-old dating a 45-year-old married man. He has three children – two sons and a daughter. The daughter is almost my age. I am not happy because he speaks to me like a child. He is very rude. Recently, I told him I had fallen ill. I did not even want his money, but he asked what I was suffering from and said he was not going to give me any money because I was not the only ill person in Zimbabwe.

I have a heart problem and it escalates every time I am stressed. I feel sorry for my parents because they fork out money to get me treated, yet all the stress is being caused by this guy. We had started accumulating property together, but he can take it all back, I am done with him. His wife recently sent me messages reprimanding me for being with him.

He is angry because I deleted the chats. What decision do you think I must take? I have been with him for three years.

Response

Right off the bat let me say indeed you are way in over your head. The age gap is a cause of problems in some relationships and yours is not the exception. In all honesty, you are not dating this man. You are actually committing adultery. Why has this gone on for three years? His wife may harm you physically.

Please stay away from this abusive married man. At 24, why are you not looking for a compatible guy who will not put you through all this stress? Please move on and stay away from married people. His daughter is your age mate, do not let him waste your time. I also feel like these set-ups are on the rise because of the harsh economic situation.

I urge all the young readers to always use their moral compass. Short-term benefits may derail your future plans.

 

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