The Sunday Mail
Life Issues with FGK
When two people marry, they choose each other. In doing so, they automatically choose their spouse’s family as well.
It is a choice that all married people make either knowingly or unknowingly. In life, we do not realise the effect of some of our choices.
Yet there are issues tied to our choices. It is like choosing a colourful box, its contents might not be what you are expecting. Life often does not show us what is inside the boxes we choose — we only find out afterwards. That is what also happens in marriage.
In-laws
Many people’s relationships with their in-laws is tense. However, that depends on the parties in question. This relationship traces back to the day of marriage. What takes place during the lobola ceremony either sets good ground for the development of the relationship or it leaves people braced for war.
Mainly the son-in-law is the most affected during the marriage ceremony. The way the whole ceremony is facilitated can either break or make the relationship with his in-laws. It is either the in-laws will earn his respect or he will declare them enemies. Parents who make the lobola ceremony difficult forget that they are doing so to their own son-in-law to be.
Shortly after the event, they expect him to see them the same way he sees his own biological parents, yet that is determined by the standard they set during the lobola ceremony. To the daughter-in-law, things get real after she is welcomed into the family, unlike the son-in-law who sees reality of what they are going to be dealing with on the day of the lobola ceremony.
The demands of the aunties, soon after the marriage ceremony, might be outrageous and frustrating. The principle of honouring parents should be upheld as well when it comes to in-laws. Treating them with respect and patience are values that govern the way you should always relate. Even when annoyed, one should not be quick to show them displeasure. You are often caught between pleasing them and balancing your new life with your spouse.
When it comes to dealing with in-laws, there is need for proper boundaries. Boundaries can only be set when the relationship is clearly defined. Every relationship that is not properly defined is bound to cause problems. When each in-law know their position, they will respect that.
Dealing with in-laws might be a lot for others while it might be a stroll in the park for the well-groomed. It is also dependent on the family they are dealing with. Others choose to fully absorb the son-in-law or daughter-in-law into the family as a child instead of viewing them as an in-law.
When they choose to treat each other this way, the things that seem to be burdensome become lighter. It becomes a relationship with proper and open communication rather than the heavy, tense conversations which are like courtroom sessions.
Some in-laws intrude into the relationship of the newly-weds and interfere with no bounds. They are controlling and manipulative to the extent that married couples might even fear to make decisions on their own. This is a challenge for the mature one in the marriage, who is trying to navigate safely through the relationship. They are caught in-between trying hard not to offend the spouses’ parents and also making sure they let the in-laws know that they are an independent couple that needs space to make decisions, mistakes and corrections.
When dealing with in-laws, make sure you always keep your humour, do not get offended quickly and try to keep your cool. They are going to be passing comments about your financial status, hygiene, relationship, etcetera. Most of the things might be offensive and annoying but it is always important to remember that your spouse loves his or her parents and that they grew up with them.
Never act or put your spouse in a position where they have to make a choice between you and their parents. If they choose, you will be very hurt, never put them in such a position.
Also, your spouse is the one who should confront his or her parents when there is a misunderstanding, instead of you doing it. Your spouse is in a better position to teach his parents something about you.
They should know how to talk to your wife or husband, they should be told by you to respect the boundary.
But be mature and accept the things that you cannot change in life. If your in-laws are clear that they do not love you, why should it bother you? They are not claiming any part of your anatomy. You are not married to them, respect their choice.
Move out
Many young men make the grave mistake of continuing to stay with their parents after marriage. If you cannot afford your own place as a man, it is better not to marry. Better wait for a couple of months, move out and then marry. It is dangerous to expose your young marriage to the experienced eyes of aged married couples who will often become judgemental and biased towards their own.
As a man, know that your wife is still inexperienced when it comes to marriage. Therefore create enough room for her to learn and make errors in private under your protection. But when you are staying with her at your parents’ place, she is very much exposed to ridicule and attacks for her mistakes and it often kills her spirit. Emotionally, she can be wounded beyond what your love can heal. Some families are emotionally dysfunctional, but you grew up there so you might not see the problem. Bringing your spouse into such an environment only does harm to your marriage.
Even if you are to move out later, when your spouse’ spirit is broken by those close to you, salvaging the marriage takes special grace.
Are you having difficult situations with your in-laws? What is the craziest thing that they have done to you? What was your reaction? Despite all that, just love them and thank God for them.
Quote of the week
Be mature and accept the things that you cannot change in life.
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