The Sunday Mail
Apostle Langton Kanyati Matrimonial Hub
THERE is nothing more devastating in marriage than for either of the spouse in marriage to be tied to the apron strings of his or her parents.
For every small decision to be taken in the home, he or she says, “I am going home,” because he never left home in the first place. A boy can’t leave home, only men can. Neither can a girl leave home, only a woman can.
That’s why many couples are in a house and not at home. Instead, they are at home with their parents.
You must free yourself from the apron strings of your parents before marriage.
Matthew 19:5 says: “ . . .For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh.”
The law of departure is about gaining parental independence before marriage. This does not mean that you have nothing to do with them anymore. Rather, it means your ability to take decisions, independent of your parents and accepting responsibility for such decisions. There must be a total departure from parents and friends before there can be a total cleaving of husband and wife.
Some parents, although Christians, still carry over from their unbelieving days the mentality of perpetual interference in their married children’s affairs. They see their sons and daughters as babies, and so cannot trust them to make their own decisions. They, therefore, hang around, to tele-guide them as they used to do when the children were in primary school.
Parents, let your sons depart so they can cleave to their wives and enjoy the best of life!
In Matthew 19: 4-6, we find the Lord Jesus clarifying God’s original intention regarding marriage, that is, oneness. The Pharisees had killed John for his public opinion on marriage and divorce. Here they were trying to trick Jesus by having him choose sides in this theological controversy.
In his answer however, Jesus focused on marriage rather than divorce. He explained that God’s intent was for married people to consider their marriage permanent.
Couples should not enter marriage with the option of getting out. As such, your marriage is more likely to be blissful if from the outset you are committed to permanence.
While the Lord said, “…therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate”, many marriages are dead and others are in the intensive care unit due to the interference of relatives.
If you allow your marriage to be remote-controlled, it won’t work.
So if a man is commanded to “leave his father and mother”, who are the most influential people in our lives, what about siblings, aunts, uncles and friends etc?
When you get married you leave your family of origin and form a new family. Parents, siblings, and other family members become one’s relatives. By this it’s not to say that these are no longer important but that you need to move to your own home and begin your new family.
There have to be clear boundaries to maintain a healthy relationship with all concerned. Failure to clarify these boundaries will open a door to unwelcome interference. Drawing the line with some friends and relatives when they had the habit of intruding before you get married may not be easy because to them it had been a normal process.
Also understand that sharing your problems with some friends and relatives is like giving them permission to judge your spouse. They will end up making biased judgements and treat your life as if it’s theirs. So don’t expose your life as though it were a soap opera and then complain afterwards.
Remember, when you join with your spouse and become one flesh, a new family is born; complete and sealed with no room for interference from third parties whether there are children or not.
Besides God, nothing and noone should take precedence over your husband or wife. By prioritising your spouse you are prioritising yourself.
The strength, therefore, of a relationship is in the couples bond and the only way to have a strong bond is establishing proper priorities.
If marriage is to work, husband and wife have to care for each other more than for any other person. If this doesn’t happen, you encounter challenges in your marriage.
When she occupies the correct spot, a wife feels honoured to have been chosen above all other women. If she’s pushed off to the side she will be bitter and unhappy. An unhappy woman makes for an unhappy home, and that’s not something you want.
When your husband occupies the correct spot, he feels respected for who he is. Let there be no other person between you, not even your children.
Women, after you have carried a baby in your womb for nine months, don’t feel more connected to the child than the child’s father. If you are bound to anyone else other than your spouse, this will be a recipe for frustration.
Children need to experience the solid base of their parents’ marriage to form their own base in the future.
When your in-laws are the invaders, understand that relatives will always be relatives. It will be unwise to attack them as you will create an even bigger problem.
Rather, treat them the best you can and work at winning them over. Otherwise they will see you as the invader who is trying to break them apart.
Many mothers-in- law bicker with their daughter-in-laws as a result of insecurity. So treat them well and clearly communicate that you are not her rival and that your goal is to make her son the happiest man in the world. This will make her feel more secure and less prone to give you problems. Make her view you as her ally, someone to love and respect, never an enemy.
Apostle Kanyati is the founder and president of ZOE Life Changing Ministries and Grace Unlimited Ministries. Feedback: [email protected] and WhatsApp +263772987844