Mudzimba
Dr Rebecca Chisamba
Navigating life’s big decisions, whether they are about love or other personal matters, can be challenging. It is essential to maintain a positive outlook, seek advice from others or professionals and ultimately choose a path that brings you joy. Remember, you should never tolerate bullying or abuse from anyone for any reason. This week, we have gathered letters that delve into the complexities of confusing personal decisions.
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Hello Amai, I hope I find you well. I am a 23-year-old woman and I am in my final year of university.
I am dating a guy who is seven years older than me. I have known him for a long time because he lives close by.
He tried many times to ask me out and I always used to decline until recently, when I finally gave him a chance. We never do anything exciting except hang out at home. He even forgot about my birthday and did not even send a text.
He does not communicate well and I seem to be making all the effort. He said he wants us to settle down. I do not know if this is a good idea when there is already a disconnect between us. Please help.
Response
Hello writer, I am very well and thanks for asking. The first observation is that you said no to his advances many times. That tells me a lot.
At some level, I think you already knew he was not the right person for you but you gave him a chance anyway. Is he employed?
You said he never takes you anywhere or makes grand gestures to show his affection. At times, the things you expect may genuinely be out of his reach.
I think you cannot speak of settling down if the courtship itself is this casual. Tell him what you expect from him and how it would make your relationship a lot better. Only then can you even consider the thought of settling down. Do it now so you know where you stand with him.
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I am confused
I am a 22-year-old woman and I have a two-month-old child with my husband.
He is a gardener and we struggle to make ends meet. He says he does not love me and if I had not eloped, he would have left me alone and pursued someone else. This pains me greatly.
His parents reside in the rural areas and they ask me often to go and stay with them, and help herd cattle. I do not want that kind of life.
My mother says I should come back home but my father is of the view that I should listen to my husband. He says no marriage is easy. I am confused. Please help.
Response
Your letter is very sad because you are caught in the middle of many bad options. Your father supports the verbal abuse you are subjected to by your husband and would rather have you go and herd cattle. What a bad father!
I think if everything fails, you must go back home and stay with your mother. She sounds like a sensible woman.
I am sorry your life turned out like this, but, often, when women elope and are not in a stable relationship, that is what happens. It is usually a hurried affair. If you do leave, have him help you raise your child. What skills or ideas do you have that can help you raise money for the upkeep of your child? You need to use them now more than ever. If you do not want to stay with your in-laws, then do something productive on your own. I wish you well.
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Is being a loner a crime?
I am a 30-year-old woman and I am a bit of a loner.
I am cold and I do not entertain people a lot, either at work or in my personal life.
My family thinks chivanhu and ndine something chakandigara.
My co-workers gossip about me and avoid me at all costs.
Honestly, I do not know if there is something wrong with me or not. Being a loner gives me inner peace. I find it hard to relate to people or even their jokes.
My parents are even proposing remedies but I do not believe in this hogwash. What do you think I must do?
Response
I read your letter with a bit of concern. Being a loner is not out of the ordinary but the fact that others around you are noticing it is concerning.
It could be something you need to consult a therapist about so you get to the root of it.
Social skills are essential in life. No one person is an island.
It is mean that your workmates gossip about you.
Some work environments are very unhealthy and unstable. If this persists, inform the human resources department to look into it.
I applaud you for not agreeing to whatever your parents were going to suggest. It is important to honour your beliefs.
Go for therapy and try to establish what causes such behaviour and how best to tweak it so you fit into society better.
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