I’m harbouring a dark secret

10 Nov, 2019 - 00:11 0 Views
I’m harbouring a dark secret

The Sunday Mail

I am a 20-year-old woman harbouring a dark secret. My sister is 18 and in Lower Six. We look alike, some people mistake us for twins. One day while I was walking, a woman approached me and started going on about how I owed her US$5 because my boyfriend had blocked her after refusing to finish some payments. She claimed she assisted me in getting rid of my two-month-old pregnancy. It then all clicked that my sister was the one who had an abortion.

I corrected her that ndandisirini muridzi wenyaya then I confronted my sister. She tried to deny it at first but came clean after I threatened to reveal this dark secret. I have never stayed with someone who is pregnant and I think she took advantage of this. I never noticed anything out of the usual. We both stay with my father, while my mother resides in the rural areas.

My sister wants me to keep quiet because she fears she may be banished from home and be forced to drop out of school. What must I do? I am struggling with this secret.

Response

Thank you so much for your letter, it made my reading very sad. I always encourage that families open communication lines. We have to move with the times. Our children should have people to speak to at their disposal. There are organisations that can assist as well. Your sister, who is barely a major, still has a lot to learn. Backyard abortions are criminal cases in our country, she can be arrested for that. I do not understand why women facilitating these abortions do not feel guilty.

We have an adage that says “kuzvara kwemumwe kuzvara kwakowo”. She should be parenting these kids that come to her for this unethical service. Your sister is lucky to be alive because other people have died in the process. Needless to say, her reproductive organs can be permanently damaged. This woman should be brought to book without failure because she is no good to the community. You should try to have a relationship with your sister so that she can trust you and have a shoulder to cry on.

 I know it is heavy on you because you appreciate your parents’ efforts of sending your sister to school even if they are struggling. The issue is very sensitive, so please handle it with care. She needs help. If your mother is approachable, please let her know because you do not know how far this will go. I also suggest that your sister goes to a proper hospital to get a check-up. If she wants to be successful in school and in life, she has to stop having sex before marriage and concentrate on her school work. Thank you for being a concerned sibling. Work on helping her. I will be happy to hear from you again.

Should I leave?

I am a 23-year-old woman who is very confused. I am married and it is not a happy marriage. My husband quit his job and now we are struggling to make ends meet. The children and I often go hungry. What pains me is that I saw him eating out when there was nothing at home. I got a job and I am trying to take better care of my children. People are telling me to leave him because he is irresponsible but I really love him. Please assist, what must I do?

Response

I always encourage people to take their marriages seriously because this is a lifetime commitment. There will always be fortunate and unfortunate times but a sound union will never be moved by these phases. You say he is out of work, obviously things are bound to change. You are a parent, you have to play your part. What have you done to make sure the family has some food on the table? Marriage is not about playing the blame game all the time.

Eating out is far more expensive than eating at home. Why would he choose to go this route?

Did you check whether he was the one paying the bill or someone else? If he did that intentionally whilst the family was starving at home then he is very irresponsible. He needs help. In Shona we have an adage which says “zano unopangwa uine rako”.

I doubt if you are aware of this. In a marriage where you are blessed with children, you are duty bound to prioritise what is best for the children. I am glad that you have found work to do and that will help you find financial freedom.  At 23 I expect you to do better. You cannot begrudge your husband because he once ate in a restaurant when you were starving at home. You are contradicting yourself when you say you love him.

The best way forward is to be a spirited tag team and work hard to sustain your family. You need to communicate, tell him about your feelings and how he needs to step up. Encourage him to look for work and be transparent with your finances. As long as you love each other all other things can be worked out. I wish you all the best.

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