The Sunday Mail
Dr Rebecca Chisamba
Iam writing to you because I have a big problem. I am unable to get over my ex three years after we broke up. I met him at university. He was a stream ahead of me and we got along great. He was young and stayed with his parents.
But one day he told me that he had a child with another woman before he met me. Apparently, the woman stayed with her parents. I was heartbroken but I got past it. During vacation, he went quiet on me and when schools reopened, he told me that the woman and his child were now staying with him and that was that. I cannot get over him because he was everything I looked for in a partner. I have tried dating other guys but the connection is not there. How best can I forget him and move on? At times I find myself depressed. I have thought about therapy but I cannot afford it.
I am sorry about your predicament. I think it hurts you most because it was your first serious relationship. Unfortunately, there is no wand you can use to wave the pain away. Three years crying over someone who is taken seems excessive. Therapy is a good option but you do not always need to pay to have your issues resolved.
As a young woman, you can confide in a mature person in your circle, like mother, tete (auntie) or even someone trustworthy from church. A problem shared is half solved. They may tell you about their own experiences and how they overcame them.
I am disappointed by the fact that this guy was not honest with you from the beginning. As for now, you have to try your best to be more accommodating to new people and let the past be the past. Time heals all wounds.
about his status
I am a married woman and I have a step-daughter aged seven. I love my husband and we try to make it work as a family. Of late, I have lost all faith in him. I found ARV tablets in his bag and at first, he tried to deny it by claiming they were for headaches.
My friend is on the same medication, so he could not fool me. I ended up getting tested and finding out that I am negative. I have accepted him as he is, but I am bugged by the fact that he did not tell me the truth to begin with. What else could he be lying about?
Your guess is as good as mine when it comes to what else he may be hiding. He was supposed to tell you from the beginning and he risked exposing you to HIV, which is not what a loving partner would do. Because of stigma, a lot of people suffering from similar conditions are afraid to come out.
I am glad you resolved the issue and continue to try and grow together as a family. Using the necessary precautions, you can remain negative and if he takes his medication and alters his lifestyle for the better, he too may live a long and fulfilling life. The real task now is for you to tell him what you have told me. Tell him you want him to communicate effectively and be open about everything in his life. He may divulge more once you assure him that you wish to know and help him through it. An honest relationship is a happy one. I wish you the best.
I was humiliated
in front of a crowd
Hello Mai Chisamba. Thank you for your wise words on this platform. I am a woman aged 21 and my husband is 41. We started staying together on June 1 this year. He then sent a representative to my parents’ place last week (Saturday) kunobvisa tsvakirai kuno. After that, we went to a small party – his friend had just tied the knot. His brother and wife were also there. We had some drinks.
Later, my sister-in-law and I decided to sit in the car while he was with his brother and friends. He was talking to a certain lady and took longer than expected. He then leaned towards the girl to kiss her, but his brother restrained him and brought him to the car where we were sitting. He told me that she was his ex and they broke up in 2011.
He said he was telling her that he was now married. I did not want to create a scene and just told him that we would talk when we got home. He called the lady to the car and the lady greeted me achiti “hi wifey”. I begrudgingly responded to her. I wanted to leave him but that is when I realised that I am pregnant. As for the incident, he keeps on saying it was the work of the devil. Before this incident, he used to chat with his ex-girlfriends but denied any relationships with them. I do not know what to do. I am stressed and I am trying to forget about it but it just seems so impossible.
Hello writer. Let me dive right into your issue. I think this guy is no good. You are not yet married and he really has not put anything towards your bride price, but you were staying together as man and wife. You should not be calling him your husband. He is your boyfriend at best. You are now pregnant out of wedlock. I wish you would have chosen better. This additional stress is not good for the baby. I do not like to cry over spilt milk, but if you knew this is how he behaved, why did you let it get this far? Someone who still keeps tabs on their past relationships is not living in the present.
The devil had nothing to do with him making a fool of himself at a party on the same weekend he started plans of engaging your family so he can pay lobola for you. I do not condone these whirlwind romances that young people get themselves into. The choice is yours, to stay and try and reform this man or to tell your family what is on the ground and how you want out. Bear in mind he is twice your age; if a leopard has not changed its spots by the age of 41, I doubt it ever will. Either way, you are off to a bad start. Please look after the baby that is on the way and seek a solid support structure to lean on. I am hoping you have friends and a good family that supports you. Marrying someone because you are pregnant is not a good reason. People marry for true love and companionship.
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