The Sunday Mail
Dr Rebecca Chisamba
Afraid to enter marriage
I am a young lady, 26 years of age. I am a single mother to a five-year-old boy. I had my son in 2014 and had been cohabiting with the baby daddy since 2014, up to this year in June. This guy anga asina kuroora or kuendesa tsvakirai kuno kumba kwedu but when I had a baby he chose to buy a car. My family did not say anything. His family reprimanded me when I complained about it.
This guy is a serious cheat, I caught him red-handed a number of times. I lost count and I got fed up with him, to the extent of not caring. I met another man in December and fell for him and we started dating. At first it was not serious because I needed the affection he was giving me. Fast forward to June, my child’s father moved out because I could not take it anymore. It had become so draining, at some point I even attempted suicide.
When I did not die, I scolded myself because I was being selfish. The father supports his son but there is no going back for us. We are good parents, especially when we are apart. This other man I have been dating is talking about marriage. The problem now is that I do not feel like getting into marriage. Not now anyway. I want to heal first and pray about it too. I have been avoiding him, giving him excuses saying I am busy with work. How do I open up to him about not wanting marriage now? I am 26 and he is 30.
Response
From your communication, I can tell that you are full of bitterness. In as much as I do not want to rub salt on old wounds, cohabiting is not a good option when you are not married. The disadvantages outweigh the advantages as you witnessed first-hand in your previous relationship. Suicidal tendencies are very unhealthy. But dying does not solve any problems and it is a very selfish way to go. You are a parent, you are duty bound to make decisions that are good for your child too.
My sixth sense tells me that you are turning the steam on the wrong guy. Love is a game of emotions, if you are not ready for a serious relationship, please let him go or just tell him the truth, do not avoid him. Do not play with his emotions.
Yes, the father of your child has a responsibility to look after his child. After your suicide attempt, you should have gone for counselling. I urge you to do that now because it is never too late. It will help you look at life with a different perspective. I respect you for not rushing into marriage before you are mentally ready. This type of a union is life long and it needs true commitment. If the current guy loves you, I think you will be able to come to a compromise. Last but not least, I encourage you to pray for your son and yourself. There is immense power in prayer. I wish you all the best and would be happy to hear from you again.
I hate being apart from hubby
I am a 21-year-old mother of a two-year-old boy. I have been married for the past three years and my husband is 24. He is at a polytechnic in Harare and I reside outside of Harare. We are still young and we are plagued by a lot of things.
A lot has to do with finances as he is yet to complete his tertiary education. He does not visit often. It is just usually on weekends or maybe twice a month. My real concern is that we are still a young couple and being apart is not good for us. He stays na sekuru ku Harare but he does not even want me to visit, why? Ana sekuru often state that they do not mind. Surely he must see that it makes sense for us to be together. I do not know what to expect. Please help.
Response
Your letter made me teary, you sound so lonely and low. When people are married, it is best for them to stay together and strengthen the bond.
There may be a few brief disturbances caused by certain programmes and commitments every now and again but you are both in your early twenties and your marriage should be in its romantic stage. What I find unusual in your communication is that it is actually your husband who is giving excuses to avoid being with you. Why? I always say when you write to my column, please make sure you explain well so that I will be able to help. I can never work on assumptions.
My question is under which circumstances did you marry? It is not making sense that he marries you and tries to keep you away at all costs. You have a child, your husband should be part of this baby’s life too. You complain that people say you are still young. Who is saying that and why? As far as I am concerned, you are both majors and parents of a lovely son. Is your communication with your husband good?
There is a contradiction here – vana sekuru are saying you can come to their house and visit your hubby who stays with them and he scrubs that away. What is the reason for him to say no? I really want to help you but in your letter there are more questions than answers. It is my hope that you reach a compromise and start living as man a wife. I would be happy to hear from you again. I wish you all the best.
Mother-in-law is out of control
How are you amai? I am a big fan of your TV show. I need your help. I am a lady aged 27 and I have two sons. The eldest is four and the other is two years old. I am single mother staying with my parents and my kids. The problem is that my mother-in-law, from my previous marriage, takes my eldest son away without telling me and at times, this can last up to a number of days. The last time she came and took him on Friday morning and he did not go to school. I was at work and the child was with my cousin.
I sent a message a day after, that he should come back so that he can attend the kids’ programme at church on Sunday. She came on Sunday morning and made a scene. She shouted at me saying, “Upfekedze moyo wako bhachi, mwana wedu toita zvatinoda naye!” Amai I was so hurt. I have never denied her access to her muzukuru but the way she does it is not good. Last holiday I gave her my child and they went kumusha together.
She stays kumusha, at present she is visiting her children and relatives in Harare. I have no idea where exactly she will be with my child. What can I do to stop this?
Response
Thank you for writing in big fan. As a caring mother, you need to know the whereabouts of your children. You are no longer staying together with the father so you are more of a single parent. In your letter, you did not mention the whereabouts of your ex or even father-in-law.
I do not know if he is part of the child’s life or not. The truth is your ex mother-in-law has crossed the line and she is off track. She has no legal right to boss you around and take your child willy-nilly. Moving with the child from place to place is not good for him. Taking him away and making him miss school is grossly irresponsible. Why can she not ask for permission first? Why is she imposing herself?
I urge you to talk to her and tell her that she should never do this behind your back. If she continues, report her to the law enforcement agencies. The child has rights too. If the father is not paying for the child’s welfare, take your issue to a civil court. Your mother-in-law should respect your parents’ home (as mukwasha) and also respect where her grandchildren are being looked after.
Going to visit relatives with the kid does not mean much. I urge you to use the law to protect yourself and your children. The court is better placed to decide when the kids can visit their father’s family. Do not let this woman stress you, move on and work for your family. You have what it takes, be strong. Always pray for your family, there is power in prayer. I wish you all the best.
[email protected], WhatsApp 0771415747.
