The Sunday Mail
Dr Rebecca Chisamba
I am a lady aged 27. I have been dating a guy who is 33 for a year now. He has been the best guy I have ever had. He takes care of me, from making sure I have food on the table to seeing that my hair is done. All this is done without me having to ask for it and despite the fact that I have a job as well. We have spent time together and I think I can say I have come to know him.
The problem now is that I am 14 weeks pregnant. I told him about it as soon as I found out and he said he does not deny responsibility, he knows it is his baby. He has not changed in behaviour but since we talked about it, he said he does not know how to handle the issue or what to do about it. I do not know what that means and now it is beginning to worry me. I have not talked to my family about it yet because I am scared.
He has not taken me to meet his family either, nor has he proposed to come meet my family. I have a good job that can sustain me, but I do not think I will be able to give my baby the life he or she deserves alone. He talked to his best friend about the pregnancy and the best friend has been advising me that I talk to my sister or friend and he will take us to my boyfriend’s place since he stays with his parents and they will take it from there.
He says a guy will not come to get me if I am pregnant but I will have to go there and they will then go and pay lobola. I do not know how true this is. I do not know what to do. I have nothing else to complain about but this baby issue is killing me. Should I do as the best friend says or stay put? Of late when I try to bring up the issue, he brushes it aside and acts as if everything is normal and I do not get it.
Response
Your courtship was going so well until you crossed the line. You are now pregnant and there are no plans for baby in place. Bringing a child into the world when you do not know what to do with it is just unfortunate. Your boyfriend has said he does not know how to handle this issue. To me his answer has several meanings – the obvious one being that he is not ready for marriage or a baby. This is what you guys should have thought of before engaging in certain activities. The other snag is he still stays with his parents and they should be consulted first. Your boyfriend should be man enough to discuss a way forward. I do not understand how his friend has jumped in and is now giving you instructions to go to your in-laws’ place. He is even talking about lobola. In my view, he is totally off side. It is your boyfriend who should speak like that. Marriage is a lifetime commitment, which is derivative of love and respect. One does not just get married because they have fallen pregnant. Do you have what it takes to sustain such a union? Why is your boyfriend all of a sudden confused? In your case, the words that matter now must come from your boyfriend because he is the one directly involved. If he goes by what the friend is saying, why not sit down together and make a plan? As a mother to be, you should start thinking about preparing your mind for the baby’s arrival because you cannot go back on that one. You are both gainfully employed, I do not see you failing to provide for the child, whether you are married or not. Your boyfriend should not brush you aside when you talk about the pregnancy because it is both your business. If you love each other, I urge you to go for counselling. This will help you communicate better. Talk to a trusted family member like tete or your sister so that you are not alone in this. You cannot hide this for long, very soon the world will know, especially when it begins to show. Pray for calmness and ask God to help you make decisions that will help both of you and the baby. I hope you will come to a compromise, I wish you all the best.
I feel alone in my marriage
I am 33-years-old and I have two school going children and I am currently living with my husband at my parents’ place. My father is late and my mom has a mental disability, my youngest brother has the same problem. My husband is currently unemployed and I am really struggling with the upkeep of the children since I am the only one employed.
Whenever I seek help from them, my relatives encourage me to dump my husband. They claim that he is not responsible as a father and all he does is drink and smoke but I have refused to do that because I really want to keep my marriage intact. Recently he was so violent during our period of separation.
He came back, smashed my phone and sold the gas tank. He later apologised for his actions and I forgave him. To be honest I am stressed because my relatives do not want to assist me, I am in way over my head. I am thinking of leaving this man but he has threatened to end my life if I do that. I do not know where to go and what to do because no one is willing to assist me. I want to do this privately without involving any of my relatives. I had to borrow loans to make ends meet. Please help me. I have tried sharing my problem with the pastor but it has not helped.
Response
I understand you are going through a very tough time alone. Thanks for being in the life of your family members who are struggling with health issues. Medication has become so expensive and even just to care for the sick is a very tall order in this harsh economy. As if this is not enough, you have two kids to look after and put through school.
You are married but the union is not working at all. Your hubby is not employed but he leads a very expensive lifestyle, drinking and smoking. Where does he get the money for all this? Is he using the already strained family coffers?
You even provide free accommodation for him at your parents’ home. lnstead of appreciating all this, he beats you up. It is dangerous to stay with such a violent person, especially when you have vulnerable children and the sick family members in the same space.
I urge you to report him to the law enforcement agencies so that he is brought to book. You need a peace order, you cannot risk so many other people’s lives. Be warned, a person who loves and respects you will never beat you up. However, as far as your union is concerned, the final choice is yours.
From your communication, your hubby is not responsible. No wonder why your relatives refuse to assist you. He threatens you every now and then, please wake up and smell the coffee. You say your mother and your brother have the same problem. It may be something that runs in your family, do not forget to get checked out.
I know it is hard for you but it is not wise to keep borrowing money, this will get you in trouble. I urge you to sweet talk your relatives so that they help ease your burden.
Someone else in your family can help manage whatever the family raises to assist you keep it out of your husband’s hands. Your husband’s character is the reason why your people are not willing to assist. You have to think hard and make a choice of what is best for you. I would be happy to hear from you again. Do not forget prayer unlocks closed doors. Keep well.
Brother-in-law driving a wedge in marriage
My husband and I are a Christian couple that has been happily married for the past 15 years. In 2018 we relocated from Gweru to Harare and started living in the family home whilst my in-laws resided at their rural home. We were blessed to buy a stand in Waterfalls and my husband as the first born son of their family bought a welding machine and generator for his young brother and tasked him to help manage the builders at our stand whilst also doing welding jobs kuti abatsirikanewo nemhuri yake.
My husband and I both work in the formal sector. Building has been slow because of financial problems, so in May 2019 we decided to halt the building project whilst we look for funds to complete the house. We had to let the builders go but babamudiki remained on the stand. Last week when my husband visited Waterfalls, we realised that babamudiki had stolen over 15 bags of cement and 1000 face bricks. He confessed that he had sold them but was going to replace them. I am so hurt Mai Chisamba. He is also renting out the generator and welding machine we bought for him. We eventually recovered the generator and welding machine and took them back home. My husband and I are not seeing eye-to-eye.
I had told my husband that we should report this case to the police since this is theft but my husband has plainly refused to get his young brother arrested. I feel so overwhelmed. In 2015, the very same babamudiki sold my cows that were being kept at my in-laws’ rural home. I was initially against the idea that he was the one who would stay ku Waterfalls but my husband reassured me then that bamunini now had a family to fend for and he could not just watch his young brother’s family suffering in poverty.
I do not understand how he can be that soft considering we have two kids, we need to build something for them. I just feel as if he is prioritising his brother more than his own family. Imagine with the economic situation, how are we going to recover these items? I know babamudiki will not bring back anything. I am tired of my husband being taken advantage of. I know he is his brother’s keeper (Biblically), but his own flesh and blood continues to take advantage of him. I can recount many times one of his brothers and the very same babamudiki have taken advantage of his generosity. It is now affecting our happy home.
My in-laws are now starting to say dai makaisa cabin mukagara muchivaka imba yenyu muri pastand penyu, you want to cause havoc by getting babamudiki arrested. I am now the bad person in all this. I am hurt. Please help.
Response
From your letter I can see that your husband allows people to take advantage of him. In my view, your hubby is not putting his foot down as a big brother. He wants to be Mr Nice Guy even when it does not make sense. Babamudiki is getting away with murder.
Once a thief always a thief. If nothing is done to correct this type of behaviour, he will end up in big trouble. To him, it is now a hobby, from stealing cows to stealing building material. He is biting the hand that feeds him. If you identify a challenge, address the issue at hand instead of considering relationships. I know that blood is thicker than water but in this case, your husband has lost it. He should be fair before he decides what to do. Babamudiki should be made to pay back the monetary equivalent of these materials or risk being arrested. He is not a sacred cow. Some family members are coming up with very reckless plots because your husband is not flexing his muscle. You brother-in-law did not even apologise for what he did. He has no remorse at all. The problem with getting the services of a relative is that they take so much for granted. Given a choice, it is better to work with people who will respect you and your property. Babamudiki is wrong but your husband is between the rock and the devil, he does not know which route to follow. The family is behind babamudiki indirectly. Convince your husband that your brother-in-law pays back what he sold immediately or face the music. Protecting a person when he has done wrong is actually destroying him and also encouraging him to remain on the wrong path. Do not lose heart, count your blessings and always look on the bright side of life. Enjoy your marriage and kids. Work hard and realise what your heart so desires. Time is money. Work together as a couple so that most of the goals concerning your home are the same. I wish you all the best.
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