I want my house back

Romance has been

dead for nine years

I am a 36-year-old guy, handsome, self-sufficient and gainfully employed. I am extremely smart to the extent that some describe it as an obsession. I have a two-bedroom garden flat. I take care of everything alone.

I personally tend to my garden, wash my car and cook my meals. I dated a girl for five years but she was unhygienic. Whenever she visited me, she would leave my place in a horrible state. I tried to groom her but I gave up in the end. She was also a messy eater and that did not go down well with me. I am currently dating another one and we have been together for the past four years.

She does not look stable and is always questioning when I am going to marry her. She is 33. She has control issues and is not as smart as I want. When she visits my place, she eats semombe yabva kusina mashanga. I do not mind her eating, please do not get me wrong, but she should remember that the food is budgeted for. My problem is I blindly fall in love then realise that I am not happy when I am in the thick of things. I cannot keep on like this. I want a proper romantic match-up. How do I find my dream girl? Please assist.

Response

Time is money: once gone, you cannot recover it. If my maths serves me right, you have wasted nine good years in the name of love. That is almost a decade. I applaud you for being a smart guy.

The good book says cleanliness is next to Godliness. In my view, you are too busy trying to change people, which cannot be done overnight. The easiest thing would be to see what changes you can make in your life to accommodate others. Wasting other people’s time is grossly unfair. If you love the girl you are dating now, I encourage you to go for professional premarital counselling. You need help, you need to speak to someone who will help you appreciate love and life.

Marriage is a serious commitment; it comes from the heart. The idea of dating is to help you know about your would-be spouse. You have been together for four years but it seems there is no spark in the relationship.

You seem like the type of guy who is self-centred and wants to call the shots all the time. Being untidy is not good at all, but what efforts have you made to help them become smarter people? I would be happy to hear from you after counselling. It is not easy to get perfect match-ups, loving couples build each other up.

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I want my house back

I am a pensioner living with my wife in our rural home. We have a house in town where we both worked. That house has divided my family. We have three sons and two daughters who are all married. All my sons and their families stay at the house. My daughters have done very well and they stay with their families. My sons do not even maintain the house; it is an eyesore.

When we visit, we cannot go to our house because it is occupied. I do not know what would happen if we did not have our daughters. I wrote them a letter informing them to all move out and they ignored me. They are blaming each other for that letter and think I want to give the house to one of them exclusively.

We depend on projects at our rural home and our small pensions. They do not send anything for our upkeep. Instead, they come to milk us dry in the rural area. Please help us, we are desperate. We want them out as soon as yesterday. They stay at the same house but they do not see eye-to-eye .The sad thing is they all have children and such an environment is not conducive for their upbringing.

Response

Your letter made my reading very sad. Having blood brothers tear each other apart because of a family home is not good. They are too crowded; it is not good for health reasons. As a parent, you should put your foot down and tell them what you want.

They have to respect your wishes because you are the owner of the house and their father. I suggest you call for a meeting and address them. Give them a written notice to vacate if you are serious about it. If they do not comply after this, then you can go the legal route and they can be lawfully evicted.

I know this is a drastic measure to take, but I think that is the only way you can get what you want. The idea is to make your sons responsible. After leaving the family home, they will learn to be self-sufficient and also find each other and relate like siblings.

For you it is a plus because if you put a paying tenant in the house, it will boost your income that you so desperately need. Please, write a will; you have already witnessed the type of chaos your sons are capable of. I would be happy to hear from you after your meeting. I wish you all the best.

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Spouse told me off

Thank you so much for your column. I hope you are well. I am a young, married man and a father of two. Sometime back I had a few problems with my wife after I was caught in a compromising position with a girlfriend.

I love my wife, but during that time she neglected and ignored me as if I did not exist. I tried to talk to her about it but she would not have any of it and I thought having an extra-marital affair was the way to go. After the confrontation, I sincerely apologised and we reconciled. I recently suggested to my wife that we have a third child. She told me to go and look for a woman outside our marriage who can bear the third baby.

I did not expect such a rude answer from her. I am very upset and do not know what she is up to now. Is it wrong for me to suggest having a child to my spouse? Does she have an indirect message she is trying to tell me? She is a full-time house wife, yet she always complains about how house chores get her tired. Please assist because I really do not know how to handle this one.

Response

Greetings dear writer. Let me once again say marriage is a lifetime commitment with main ingredients that include love and respect. From the look of things, love and respect are non-existent in your relationship.

Creating more problems will not help solve existing ones in your marriage. There was no need for you to go and look for a girlfriend because your wife was not giving you the attention you wanted. I do not want to dwell too much on the past since you made up.

The idea of having a child come into the world when both of you are not on the same page is not a wise idea. There are so many issues to consider. Are you financially prepared and is your wife physically capable at the moment? Is the place you are living in big enough for another child? Your wife is showing utter disrespect for your marriage by suggesting that you go and father a child out of wedlock. She is not thinking straight.

You can endanger both your lives if you contract STIs (sexually transmitted infections). I do not think your previous issue was solved amicably. It is still spilling into your current life. I urge you to engage a professional counsellor so that you both pour out and get the assistance you need. Do not waste your time fighting. Remember, you have only one life to live and you need each other. You have two beautiful, innocent kids. Please give them a conducive home to grow up in. I would be happy to hear from you again.

 

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