The Sunday Mail
Mai Chisamba
I really do not know how to get out of the situation I find myself in.
When I finished my Advanced Level my poor parents could not afford to send to university. I looked for a job just to save money for my education and ended up working in one of these popular supermarkets. I am 26 years old. In the process I got so familiar with a customer, an elderly male. We started as friends but ended up dating.
The truth is I never really loved this guy I suppose I just needed a shoulder to cry on. He told me how his wife went to the United Kingdom to study and after her degree she came back to take their son. He felt let down because now the wife is married to a Jamaican guy.
He said he was so heartbroken because he had invested so much in her education and welfare. I shared my dream of going to university with him and he was quick to say he would pay fees for me and then get married later. I agreed in my desperate state without giving this a second thought. I was not at ease with the age difference and the way his wife had left him. Vane muchato (5.11) so ndaitya kuti ko akadzoka what would become of me?
I don’t want to take anything away from him. He is very kind, generous, patient and very romantic unfortunately we just don’t click and I can’t see myself spending the rest of my life with him. I finished my degree last year.
I am seeing someone I was with at college. He is my age and he is not yet employed but it is pure love. The first guy is now talking about marriage but my heart has nothing to offer him. Please understand me I don’t want it to appear as if I just wanted to use him handichamude hangu. Please amai I don’t want to give him a second heart break how do I come out of this? I am prepared to make a payment plan whenever I get employed to give back his money.
What will happen if my current boyfriend gets wind of this? How do I tell my parents who had accepted him and the arrangement? My tete is so upset about my change of heart, we are not even talking. I follow your column and you always advise people not to marry for any reason except love. Please help I am torn apart.
Response
Thank you for writing in and for following my column. Congratulations on your success. Research shows that people who are educated have a capacity to reason if they so wish. Your idea of going to work in a supermarket in order to raise money for your fees was very noble but in the process you lost focus.
There are no two ways about love it’s either you are in or out. Why did you say yes to his proposal if you were not in for the long run? You knew about his wife, if you respected his marriage you should have never dated him in the first place. In the event that his wife comes back, what would become of you is null and void.
Legally he is still married to his wife and letting him pay for your fees is equally bad and your excuse does not hold water at all. What you did shows no integrity at all. Yes I still stand by what I always say that marrying for any other reason that is not love is cheating oneself.
Marriage can only survive where there is true love. Indeed you used this guy, you are now degreed and no one can take that away from you. Chitsotsi chakadai hachikupe zororo muhupenyu mark my words. You are talking about a payment plan that’s very sensible but it’s like crying over spilt milk.
You say you started as friends that was the time to tell him that if he paid your fees you would want to repay him later. That was going to be a clean deal. In my view you were not a sincere friend. He told you what he went through with his wife but you did not feel sorry for him.
Instead wakatomutorawo savamontseni (mudyiwa). He felt sorry for you and paid for your fees in this harsh economy. You have let everyone down, your parents and tete, what a shame! It’s not just about time and money on a serious note it’s about emotions, why did you lead him on?
I am not saying marry him of course that can’t be because you don’t love him saka waitamba chikudo naye here? I don’t know how your current boyfriend would react to this but believe me he would not be amused. Finally tell this guy the truth let him know that there is no hope for him. Don’t continue to rub salt on old wounds. Inga degree rakanaka chose now you see the age difference after he has put you through school. My parting words are from the good book “do unto others what you would have them do unto you”. Goodbye.
