I have wasted a decade of my life

Dr Rebecca Chisamba

I have wasted a decade of my life

I am a 27-year-old lady and I have written to you because something is troubling me. I have been with my partner for nine years, including the three that we were separated before reuniting at the end of 2017. That is not the sad thing though.

This guy lied to me about his profession, name and age. I found out for myself when I came across his national documents. I was perplexed. Why would someone lie about their own name? He even took offence when I busted him. Since the beginning of the year, he has been promising that he wants to pay lobola for me. I am now confused because I really do not trust this man or know who he is but I still love him. I really feel like I am just wasting time with him, please assist.

Response

Your letter left me in shock. Zano unopangwa uine rako. It seems you have run out of options. This man is very dangerous and you should not be anywhere near him. He is a stranger whom you do not know at all. How can you still be in love with him? It seems you do not know what love is all about. Trust is a major component in all relationships. This man does not respect nor care for you. Nine years is a long time. I am not a big fan of someone who goes through other people’s things. It is criminal, but in this instance fate helped you discover what was being hidden from you. He is a bully, I do not get how he got upset when you busted him and yet he was the one who was lying to you. This behavior clearly shows that he has no plan to marry you. That is why he clearly has not set a date. The writing is on the wall, wake up and smell the coffee. It does not take six months for someone to come up with a date. I urge you to move on and look for a genuine man out there. This is a nasty chapter in your life and should be remembered as such. Always pray for your life, God will grant you your heart’s desires. I wish you all the best.

Can’t get over my ex-wife

I am a 39-year-old man and I recently divorced my wife. I am very much in pain about the nature of how it all ended. We got married when we were both fresh out of college and we were both unemployed. We then welcomed our daughter in 2010 and everything was going well.

I later spoke to a friend of mine to help my wife get a job within the police force here in Harare. She became rude, disrespectful and started coming home late.

Over time I found out that she was dating another policeman. I think her parents were and still are on her side. Things fell apart pretty quickly from there and I divorced her. I am still reeling over the effects of this divorce and how it has turned my life upside down. I am looking for ways to help manage this pain. It has left me broken.

Response

Hello writer, thank you for your letter. It is very unfortunate when spouses divorce after bringing an innocent child in to the world. Separation is not good for the upbringing of any child but at times circumstances force people to do so. It seems like the relationship was stable when you both had no jobs.

Your relationship took a twist when you both started earning an income. It is unfortunate you did not go for counseling when these problems began to manifest. I think it could have saved your marriage and taught both of you the true meaning of marriage. Cheating is the worst thing a spouse can do. Why would your former in-laws accept that? You really did not explain that part. Even if people have freedom of movement, it is always good to let their partner know where they are at all times. You ultimately decided to let her go so let it be. It may hurt now but just continue to focus on yourself and what the future holds for you. Please remain in your child’s life. If you go to court, arrangements can be made about how you can see your child and continue to support her financially. Pray sincerely for peace and courage, there is immense power in prayer. I wish you well

I smell something fishy

I am a young woman, only 23 years of age, and I am dating a 35-year-old man. The age difference is there but according to him, he has never been married before nor does he have any children. He is doing well financially.

He is employed, has two cars and a kombi yaakatoisa pa road. I am not drawn to him because of his money because if truth be told, he is very stingy.

Even if he buys a burger, we share it by cutting it in half. The same applies to even beverages. I have tried asking for things like money to get my hair done and the likes but he insists money is tight. I resorted to doing things for myself since ndichisevenzawo. I buy him gifts and perfumes from time to time hoping it will help bring out his generous side but it has been to no avail. He resides with his mom who is well off as well as his two unemployed brothers.

They are both older than him and are also not married. I am confused, hakuna zviriko here uku? I often ask him why and when he will get married but he says he will do all that when the time is right. I have been to their home but he sneaks me in when his mother is away.

I am not comfortable with this and while his mother may not know me, I know her zvekuti nyangwe kutoona chiso chavo handivashaye. I do laundry for him and he gives me a ride back home everyday. My question now is must I continue dating this guy? There are so many loose ends and quite frankly I feel like I am being played for a fool. Ndibatsireiwo amai.

Response

First things first, I think you will benefit more by focusing on your boyfriend than on the rest of his family. Leave them out of this. You may make all the observations you like but remember that even in a family, people make lifestyle decisions as individuals.

There is room for them to differ or bear similarities. You are both gainfully employed so why do you sink so low? Sharing a burger or a drink is unheard of. In my view, asking for money to go to the hair saloon is a lack of pride. It is actually a bad habit to assume that a man should be the one pumping out money all the time in your relationship. You are not married so he may not feel obliged. Do not beg for things, you will always get weird answers in return. In as much as it is noble to do chores such as laundry for him, this has nothing to do with love. This will not make you wife material, he has to see qualities such as trust and true companionship in you. My sixth sense also tells me that there is something that he is not telling you.

How on earth can a 35-year-old man hide his girlfriend from his mum? You do not rush to introduce someone to your family unless you are ready but at 35 it is unheard of. For now, try and focus on true love until it blossoms into marriage. Last but not least, I hope these guys look for their own places of accommodation.

Perhaps they are trying to avoid paying rent. I think you are two different people. You are ready to settle down but your boyfriend seems very detached from this idea. I hope he does not make you pay for the rides home. Please keep me posted.

 

 

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