The Sunday Mail
Dr Rebecca Chisamba
I am a very distressed woman and this is all because my husband anoda zvebarika. When we met, he was in the process of separating from his wife. He sent her away with all her belongings. I took this as a sign of someone who was ready to move on after a failed relationship. Now all of a sudden he boldly states that he wants to be a polygamist. I am six months pregnant and we are staying together. Ini zvebarika handidi and handizvikwanise. He is also telling me that he wants to get back with the wife he let go before me. This scenario is confusing and giving me unnecessary headaches. Please help.
Response
Your issue is indeed very distressful. You got into a union with someone and it is not living up to be all that you thought it would be. I hope you seek medical attention so that you manage this stress and it does not affect the baby. As for your husband, he seems to be sitting on the fence. Was it not alarming to you that while he was in the middle of separating from one wife, he was already in pursuit of you to be her potential replacement? That was a red flag that you should have paid attention to. I am also curious to know if this man paid lobola for you. If he did not then you are not his wife but a live-in girlfriend. Everything about this situation seems rushed and I do not really feel at ease when people rush into things that are as serious as marriage. You are right not to be forced into a polygamous relationship if you do not wish to. If you are legally married, what kind of marriage is it and does it allow for anything other than a monogamous union? Talk to this man and make him see the light of day. If he refuses, then you must start the painful process of separating from him. I am not really happy about this option because you are heavily pregnant and a legal battle is the last thing you need on your plate right now. Where are ana tete in this matter? Seek family structures to help resolve this before it gets out of hand. As for your husband, I am disappointed in him because he seems to enjoy playing games with other people’s emotions. I hope his ex-wife has enough sense to turn him down. Pray for your family and unborn child. Please keep me posted on the outcome of the discussions nana tete.
Mother in-law preventing me from seeing my child
I am a 33-year-old man and I am seeking help to deal with a very uncomfortable situation. I was customarily married to my ex-wife but we ended things because we just could not get along. We have a five-year-old child together. Up until recently we were co-parenting well. The child resides with her younger sister at her mother’s place kumusha and I provide adequately for his care. My ex-wife left to go and work in Cape Town soon after we divorced.
I would take the child on certain days and even go and visit my parents with him. There was no problem with this arrangement. The drama started recently when I told my in-laws that I wanted to enrol the child for school and that I now wanted to stay with him full time. My mother in-law, who had offered to do the same, took great offence and is now forbidding me from seeing my child. She even stated kuti ndikapinda pamusha pavo vanondisungisa. She has issued other threats and profanities that I cannot dare repeat. My question now is what legal steps can I take to resolve this?
Response
Before I delve deep into your issue I need to know where the mother of the child stands in all of this. You spoke of not getting along during your marriage; could that be what is now causing this? I would have also wanted to know if the nature of your break up left her bitter because that could come back to haunt you. As far as legal options are concerned, I will put you in touch with an organisation that will help you resolve these custody issues. As the sole parent residing in the country, once the State deems you as a fit parent, it should not be much of a problem. Your mother-in-law is not behaving like a responsible grandmother.
I do not get what the big deal is about letting the child stay with you. You are the child’s father, she knew the time would come at some point. I do not recommend legal intervention before families attempt to resolve such issues themselves. Talk to your ex-wife.
Let her speak to her mother and help her see the light. Hopefully that will be all that is needed to resolve this issue. Let her know that you are not taking her grandchild away from her. He will still visit and be made available to her. She may just be having serious attachment issues. I wish you the best of luck.
Between a rock and a hard place
Hello amai Chisamba, I desperately need your help. I am a 26-year-old man and I got married in 2017 after my girlfriend fell pregnant. She is two years younger than me. The thing is I never fully loved her and I am regretting why I even married her. She had been intimate with other men before me, whereas I had never been with anyone besides her. I was never really pleased about the close age gap between us as well. I ended up falling for a much younger and innocent girl whom I impregnated. I know you will not approve of this. She is respectful and we get along well. I am currently facing disciplinary measures ku church for my behaviour. I feel like I should choose the younger woman over my wife. Please help me decide.
Response
Greetings dear writer. For a young man you sure are dealing with a lot of drama that is self-inflicted if I may add. You speak of wanting me to help you reach a decision. My decision would be to get you away from both these poor women immediately. You impregnated your wife and now you choose to judge her past, which is not what marriage is about.
When you choose to marry someone you choose to let go of their past and try to build a new future together. I do not think you ever loved this woman. Rushing to marry her because she got pregnant was wrong because now you are unhappy and I trust your recent actions with this woman are causing her unhappiness as well. I do not condone multi-partner relationships, especially in the age of STIs. This age gap you speak of is nonsense. Age is just a number, uri kumutsvagira nyaya. If she was not beautiful then why were you intimate with her? You now have two children to look after. It is about time you start being a responsible father. I cannot tell you what to decide because you have already wreaked havoc in many people’s lives and there will be consequences. This is not an easy fix. You have to do better and start acting responsibly. Either way when there are three people involved, someone always ends up getting hurt. I am glad the church is standing firm. I hope they provide counselling services as well. Get in touch with your sekurus and let them know of what you have done and let them assist you make things right.
You may be put in a position to pay damages soon. I feel sorry for your wife because she does not deserve any of this, no matter how hard you try to justify it. In future try and be considerate of other people’s feelings, especially the mothers of your children. All the best.
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